we're all yours: an adoption story

family day, continued

2012-02-02T14:20:00.000-08:00

A few weeks before Christmas, N (age 6) and I were talking about the upcoming holiday. He had recently watched a few movies with plot lines where the main character "saves" Christmas, so we were talking about whether that could ever happen. Movies and other holiday propaganda often send the message that the "true meaning" of Christmas is family, so we were talking through our belief that, although we love to be with family at Christmas, it is not actually about family: it is about Jesus. At this point in the conversation N turned to me and asked, "Mommy, is there a holiday that's just about family?" I thought about it for a minute and had to shake my head, I couldn't think of one. "Can we make our own?" he asked. "We could call it Family Day! Can it be tomorrow?" Man, I love that kid.

J and I had already decided to call the anniversary of Z's arrival "Family Day," but N's questions made me think about it in a new light. What if we broadened the celebration beyond Z's adoption and just took a day every year to simply celebrate our family? After all, if we're going to call it Family Day, then that's what it should be about. We'll still mark February 28 as a special day for Z - the day he met his brothers, the day he arrived at his new home, the day our family was all together for the first time.* But Family Day will be for all of us, a chance to celebrate the work of God in our lives, bringing us together, giving us each other, making us a family.

This celebration will almost certainly morph and change with our family over the years, but we're kicking it off with two traditions: an overnight getaway and a video 'yearbook.' Each year we'll videotape the kids answering a few simple questions about themselves, asking them the same questions each year to show how they change over time. For now we'll celebrate in February, since that's when our family became complete, but if/when God gives us more children maybe the time of year will change.

So... tomorrow is Family Day and we're going to Great Wolf Lodge! The big boys are over the moon already and Z is feeding off of their excitement even though he doesn't know what's coming. He absolutely loves the water, so I'm pretty confident that once he gets over the noise (it's pretty loud in there with all the waterfalls and splashing and whatnot), he's gonna have a ball. We'll swim, slide, play, rest, and give glory to God for blessing us with one another. Happy Family Day!

*FYI in case you're interested, tentative plans for February 28 include: doro wat, injera, popcorn, and some quality time with the boys watching videos, looking at pictures, and telling stories about our trips to Ethiopia. Oh, and thanking Jesus for a precious boy and a miraculous year together.

3 in a cart at Costco today

family day

2012-01-30T23:33:00.001-08:00

On February 28, 2011 we walked off a plane and began life as a family of five. We have a few plans and ideas for how to celebrate the upcoming first anniversary of this amazing day, which I'll share below, but first I want to tell you about how I was recently and unexpectedly whisked back to that moment - the moment our family was together for the first time.

The boys were playing on my parents' computer a few days ago, watching home videos of themselves and their cousins. I was half-watching, half-checked-out, relaxed and thankful to have a moment of peace at the end of a busy day. N clicked to the next video and my head snapped up to see a fuzzy-headed brown-skinned boy being led onto an escalator by a tall, handsome white guy: shock. Tears. I have never seen this footage. Only now do I vaguely remember my brother having a video camera, but in the aftermath of Z's arrival I had forgotten all about it.

As N clicked through the videos one by one I couldn't hold back the emotion. A year ago I experienced that momentous day through the lens of exhaustion, jet lag, unrealistic expectations, and healthy dose of fear. My memories of it are colored by the sleepless nights and tantrum-packed days that followed. Watching those scenes the other night felt like recovering something precious, like the long-awaited fulfillment of a promise, like scales falling off my eyes. It was pure gift.

Viewing the event through the camera's perspective made me see it all with new eyes. So much beauty jumped off the screen: the genuine excitement and joy of my family members, meeting Z for the first time. N's gentle sweetness, taking Z's hand and leading him around the baggage area. The easy smile D gave his new brother, already trying to make Z laugh. And his mother, eyes bright with exhaustion and something else: a love she didn't know she was giving, receiving. She kissed his forehead, he clung to her shirt and rested his cheek on her chest. At the time those exterior acts of affection felt false, while the swirls of frustration, fear, and ambivalence under the surface seemed all too real... but watching it now I see that I had it backwards. I see a mother who loves her son. Her fear and self-condemnation breaks my heart: I want to give her a hug, bring her some strong coffee, look her square in the eyes and say, "You're doing just fine, mama. Just fine."

We finished watching and D asked me why I was crying. I told him it was because I just realized I am the luckiest mommy in the whole world. And I am.

*Oops I forgot to write about our plans for Family Day 2012... more coming soon.

marriage letters

2012-01-25T22:30:00.000-08:00

I'm participating in a link-up this week, hosted by Amber @ The Run a Muck. Here's what she has to say about it:

Join me and Seth (and also Joy and Scott) as we work hard to preserve marriage by writing marriage letters. There may be only a handful of us doing it, but if you’ve written a letter or a post for your spouse, please do add your link and be sure to link back to us so others can be encouraged. Especially in this stage of small children, it’s been good for me to see that we aren’t alone, and if you’re past this stage, it’s good to know that you’ve made it.

------------------

Dear J,

I am snuggled into my parents' guest bed, listening to the howling wind and spattering rain, waiting for you.

The boys were wild tonight, or so I'm told. The sweet babysitter earned every penny... They missed us. (Or maybe they're just wild.) It's a hard habit to break: telling you about the kids first. They're the loudest news, but not all there is to say.

I'm proud of you. Scrubbing floors and washing windows in our empty home, working while your family rests. I don't think there is any task you wouldn't do for us. Tomorrow a stranger will come with his camera, capturing the rooms where we laugh and bathe and scold and hold each other. On the flier they'll be bright and generic, as if anyone could do this, live here. We'll sell the walls and floors, but keep the sound of Matchbox car races on hardwood floors, the smell of sleepy boys between us on a Saturday morning, the window reflection of our long hugs in the kitchen when all the dishes are done.

Do I tell you that I need you? I do. Our house is just a house; God made you to be my home.

Love,
H

wild weather, perfect feet, and a quick getaway

2012-01-24T23:22:00.001-08:00

It's been crazy around here lately: snow, ice, unexpected house guests, power outages, a weekend away, and an exciting trip to the doctor, all in the last 7 days!

Last week we had our first (and hopefully only) major snow event of the season, which meant no school, no work, and no driving anywhere for a few days. Then an ice storm hit, followed by more snow, which meant many downed trees and branches, causing power outages that affected us and over 300,000 other residents for two full days (and longer for some). In the meantime, we took in some friends of friends who were stranded in Seattle for three days trying to get back to Southern California. We love house guests and the boys were thrilled to make friends with Kristen and Karen, a mother/daughter pair from Orange County - great folks.

Anyway, the reason I'm bothering to blog about this is because in the midst of this big storm we still managed to make it across the city to Z's follow up appointment with his pediatric orthopedic doctor. I didn't want to drive that far in the ice and snow, but when I called to reschedule their next available was in May! Considering there was a possibility that Z might need surgery in April I was not about to wait that long, so we borrowed my parents' 4WD SUV and braved the roads. It turned out to be worth the trip because the doc took one good look at Z's foot and pronounced his club foot to be totally corrected! He recommended we continue to use his orthotic brace at night until he turns three, and he wants to see us again in a year, but other than that we are DONE. Praise God!

In other exciting news, last weekend J and I had our first overnight trip away from the boys since Z came home. We went to Vegas for... wait for it... a baptism. Isn't that why everyone goes to Vegas? Our dear friends Mike and Nicole (who live there) asked us to be the godparents for their beautiful baby boy, who happens to share a name with Z. We were honored, and happy to come out for the baptism (OK, and a little fun at the tables too -- we actually won $70!).

This was our first time leaving Z for that long, and he did great. My parents were out of town too, but thankfully Z's preschool teacher is also a close family friend and one of the few people we would completely trust with all 3 of our boys, so she and her husband stayed with the kids and the weekend went well (aside from a few potty accidents... sorry Colleen! You're the best!). We've been back two days and so far I haven't seen any signs that our time away had any negative impact on Z or our attachment process... which means we should do it again soon, right?!

When I think back to where we were about 9 months ago, these two milestones seem utterly unbelievable. At that time Z's foot was in a cast, he hadn't been put to bed or fed by (much less left alone with) anyone but us since coming home, and I could just barely make out a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel. I am so humbled and thankful for all that God has done to bring us from there to here!

MLK

2012-01-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

Today we watched this together:

Then we read this post about child slavery in Ghana (or rather, I summarized it for the kids in an age-appropriate manner), and made a small donation to the Mercy Project. (H/T Kristen)

His dream is alive, but it is not finished...

For the sake of cuteness, here's a circa 2009 video of 3 year-old N talking about MLK

talking about race

2012-01-13T13:25:00.000-08:00

Race is one of those things that I have hesitated to write about for a few reasons. It is scary to me to write on such a far-reaching and loaded topic because two of my biggest fears are being misunderstood and offending people, and race might be the topic most prone to misunderstanding and offense in the whole universe. I'm also hesitant to write anything about race because I know I can say something but I can't begin to say everything, which means I'll leave something out and not say what I really mean and not give this topic the thorough and nuanced treatment it merits.

Buuuuuuut, those are all basically excuses. As a transracial adoptive parent, this is something I can't afford to be afraid to talk about, so today I'm diving in and sharing my thoughts, questions, and ideas about race.

Three years ago I would have told you that the issue of race did not play a major role in my life (spoken like a true white person). I did not believe myself to hold any racial biases. I believed that America was a place where people of any race could succeed if they worked hard enough, and the election of our first black president seemed to put an exclamation point on that sentiment.

What do I believe about race in America now? I'm not sure. I do know that in terms of racial equality, this country started on a very bad foot, and that the echoes of those beginnings still ring loudly today. I grew up and remain today largely shielded from that noise, but that doesn't make it any less real.

I am a product of White Privilege. I'm not ashamed of that, I don't feel guilty for that, and I can't apologize for that because I didn't choose to be born white, nor did I create the system which afforded me such privilege. I believe that my whiteness has been a critical factor in my success in school, sports, and relationships throughout my life. If you misinterpret that statement it could actually come across as being racist, so let me clarify: I am not saying that being white in and of itself made me a better student, better athlete, or better friend/wife/mom. I am saying that the systems and institutions of our society provided me, my (white) parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and on down the line, with unearned privileges that significantly impacted our ability to succeed... because we were white.

Maybe that last paragraph makes you roll your eyes and say "duh." Maybe it makes you confused. Maybe it makes you yell at your computer screen, "What are you talking about?! What about poor, unsuccessful white people?! What about rich, successful black people?! What about all the hard work that you and your family members before you put in to earn the success you all achieved?!"

Fair questions. Questions I just wrote 450 words trying to answer and then erased them all because they didn't even scratch the surface.

Other people have written clearly and thoughtfully about this, and rather than trying to summarize their words, I'll just tell you why I decided to listen to them. During the process of preparing to parent a child of another race, I had to come face to face with the truth that I didn't (don't?) have the first clue what my son will experience as a child of color. I realized that the sum total of my knowledge about race in America today could fit on the head of a pin. I stopped talking and started listening. The things I heard sounded strange, impossible even, but I had to remind myself, I wouldn't know.

It might sound magnanimous to say that race doesn't matter in adoption. Love is colorblind, and all that. I can say that race doesn't matter, because it's never had to matter for me. But it might very well matter to my son. And if I am not equipped to understand or even acknowledge that reality then I am leaving him out in the cold on a critical identity issue. Please, let's not do this to our kids. Let's not be afraid of race. Let's not shove it in a back corner and pretend it doesn't exist. Let's put it on the table and talk about it, because our children learn from what we don't say as much as from what we do.

Our first-grader is learning about Martin Luther King Jr. this week at school. He was telling me what he had learned about the civil rights movement, and I shared with him that racial discrimination and prejudice still exists today, though they take different forms than in MLK's time. N considered this, then looked up at me and asked, "Then who is helping today, Mommy?" Gulp. "We need to," I told him. And we do. I'm still bumbling my way through figuring out exactly how we do that, but I won't put my head back in the sand and pretend it doesn't need to happen.

Books, Links, & Resources
[this is a VERY incomplete list -- less of a resource list and more like a road map of my specific journey]
-------------------------------------------
White Like Me, by Tim Wise -- start here.
Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe -- slavery sucks.
White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack, by Peggy McIntosh -- free pdf
The Sword of the Lord, by Andrew Himes -- this one is not focused on racism, but it gives a window into race & conservative Christianity in the 20th century.
The Same Kind of Different As Me, by Ron Hall and Denver Moore -- again, not a book about racism specifically, but Denver's story blew my mind.
Love is NOT Colorblind, from the Livesay [Haiti] blog
Parenting While Not Noticing Race, from the Adoption Talk blog
Love Isn't Enough, blog about race and parenting
Racialicious, blog about race and pop culture

**What's missing from this list: more stuff written by people of color. Thanks for your patience, I'm working on it.

**What's missing from this picture of our boys and their cousins on J's side? You guessed it - more people of color! Thanks for your patience, and no, we're not working on it yet... but hopefully someday. :)

mesob mischief and miscellany

2012-01-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

I really want to write a post about race, but ~~I'm a little bit scared~~ I don't have time tonight, so instead I will share this photo of Z at the YWAM Ethiopia Melkam Genna event last weekend:

This week has been ever-so-slightly better than last week. Progress! I am taking extra time each day to remind Z that he is loved and safe; I hope it is sinking in.

Last week I was at the Ethiopian market by our house and struck up a conversation with another patron. He asked if Z was adopted, and then asked what part of Ethiopia he was from. As it turned out, this man was from a town just 20 minutes from Z's birth place! He was so excited to tell me that there are many Ethiopians from that region in Seattle and he invited me to come to his church. I cracked up when he pointed to Z and told me, "I have two small children at home and they look just like him!" We exchanged contact information and I'm hoping we can connect again soon. I continue to be amazed by the friendliness and hospitality of the Ethiopian community here! What a blessing for families like ours.

Stay tuned for heavier stuff (maybe)...

*Mesob is the Amharic word for the woven basket that Z is sitting in. :)

(un)happy new year

2012-01-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

From what I can tell, Z is trying to show the year 2012 who's boss. And so far? I think he's winning.

OK, so it probably has nothing to do with the calendar changing from December to January, but the change in Z's behavior marked. Remember my post last month about how happy he was? Well, he rang in the New Year with the biggest tantrum we've seen since our first week together in Ethiopia. Only now he is 10 months older and has that much more strength and stamina, plus the vocabulary to throw in a few barbed words with the screams. The good news is that we have 10 months of parenting this boy under our belts, and we knew what he needed (though it took him a full hour to be convinced). What did he need? He needed to know that we're not leaving, we're not quitting, we're not giving up. He can scream, cry, thrash, and hurl ugly words all he wants: we're still here. During our time in Ethiopia with him and in the first week or two at home his fits would end when he wore himself out to utter exhaustion and fell asleep mid-scream. But our New Year's morning rager ended with him resting on my lap, letting me feed him bits of string cheese, pausing to nuzzle his head into my neck. For the moment, he was reassured and relaxed.

The past few days since then haven't held any major tantrums, but Z has been restless and touchy, struggling through mealtimes and waking up in the night. There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this -- we've been off-schedule with the holidays and school breaks, there's been so much going on, we just returned from a week visiting Mimi & Grandpa three time zones away, and maybe that's all there is to it. He's confused by the strange schedule, he's overtired from traveling, he's adjusting to the transition back to home.

Or...

We're on the cusp of becoming Z's longest placement. I only have approximate dates for when he was moved from place to place, but if the information I have is correct then the longest he has ever lived in one place is around 10 or 11 months. Adoption literature suggests that even very young children can be subconsciously aware of these time intervals, and may display regressive behaviors around those times. Is this happening with Z? I have no idea. If anything its probably the combination of lots of changes happening at an inopportune time. But just in case, I am going to do my best to meet these behaviors with extra compassion for my little guy. More than anything, I want him to feel safe and loved and secure -- I want him to know that we are not just a placement: we are a family.

sigh no more

2012-01-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

My 2012 New Year's Resolution:

To sigh less.

I don't know when my sighing habit started. I rarely realize I'm doing it, and I probably wouldn't have noticed it at all except for the good-natured teasing I get from my husband about it. It may seem like a small thing that isn't worth bothering over, but I've come to realize that there is a lot more to my sighs than breath.

I sigh when I feel hopeless.

I sigh when I think of all the things I didn't get done today.

I sigh when I'm worried about something.

I sigh when I'm thinking negative thoughts about myself.

I sigh when I'm disappointed.

I sigh when I'm letting the kids' behavior drive me nuts.

I sigh when I'm being impatient.

But mostly I sigh when I forget -- forget who I am, forget my calling, forget God's grace, forget my blessings, and forget my unshakeable place in the everlasting kingdom of the One who calls me his Beloved.

This year, instead of sighing I want to learn to breathe.

To inhale God's peace and exhale my gratitude. To inhale remembering myself in Christ, and to exhale his love to the people around me. I want to breathe in the forgiveness and unconditional loving-kindness of God and let go of the lies, distractions, and anxieties that bind me and blind me to his goodness.

[Notice that my resolution is to sigh less. The grace is built right in, to preempt the temptation to heave a big fat ugly sigh over my failure to completely eradicate sighing. I'm onto you, inner perfectionist!]

Tonight at dinner I caught myself beginning to sigh no less than 10 times. Ten times! During one meal! But that's OK. Ten times to reorient and re-purpose my breath. Ten times to remember. Ten times to let the Spirit of God fill me, even as my toddler screamed and my first-grader asked the same question over and over and my preschooler sassed me and my husband tried to tell me about his day but I couldn't hear a word on account of the screaming and pestering and sassing... Breathe.

---
P.S. The title of this blog is a Mumford & Sons song, which did not particularly inspire my resolution but is share-worthy nonetheless:

prayer warrior

2011-12-23T22:37:00.000-08:00

We say prayers with Z before bedtime and naps each day. Like good Presbyterians, we fold our hands and close our eyes and speak softly, thanking God for his blessings and praying for our friends, family, and others around the world. Lately, after I finish saying prayers, Z wants to say his own prayers: he scrunches up his face, hunches his shoulders, and mumbles unintelligibly. Sometimes he throws in some wild hand gestures or sways from side to side, and on rare occasion I can make out a word or two (usually a name of someone we have seen that day). It absolutely cracks me up because it is not like anything he has seen people here do when they pray... I guess they must have had some pretty rockin' prayer sessions at the Widow & Orphan homes! It is amazing to see the little treasures he has kept with him from that time.

In other news, he is thoroughly enjoying his first Christmas season in America! Ever since his 2nd birthday in April, he has been a huge fan of all things birthday related, so the fact that Christmas is Baby Jesus' birthday makes it extra special in his book. Merry Christmas everyone!

happy

2011-12-19T10:51:00.001-08:00

This smile says it all: my son is happy.

Last night we saw some friends who haven't seen Z since summertime and they kept telling us how different he seemed compared to a few months ago. "He just seems so much more open and relaxed now," was the comment we heard more than once.

Not that he was miserable before, but over the past few months we have noticed a subtle shift in Z's overall demeanor. He is comfortable. He feels safe. He not only trusts us as his parents, he also trusts his environment. These feelings of safety and trust have given him a freedom to play, and laugh, and open himself up in deeper ways than we have seen before. It is beautiful and miraculous and the best present this mama could ever ask for.

I'll wrap this up with two cute little stories from the past week:

I have sung the exact same 4 songs to Z every time I put him down for a nap or bedtime since the first month he came home. He seems to thrive on that predictability and has gotten mad any time I've tried to stray from the routine... until the other day when he asked me to sing the "star song", which I managed to figure out meant "Away in a Manger". (We have a kids nativity set that plays that song when you push a button and a star lights up while the song is playing.) Now he insists on us singing the 'star song' before naps and bed -- it's become his own little Advent tradition.

Last night when I tucked him in I asked him, "Who loves Z?" and he smiled up at me and said, "Jesus!" Melt my heart.

who is my neighbor

2011-12-12T13:34:00.000-08:00

Karin Kraus: The Good Samaritan

It could have been me. I could have been born in a country where women are property. I could have become pregnant at an age when I should have been jumping rope. I could have contracted HIV from my unfaithful husband, had no access to medication, gotten sicker and sicker, and died before my baby's first steps. I could have suffered from mental illness in a place where you can't even find band-aids. I could have been forced to choose between losing my child forever or watching us both slowly starve. It could have been me.*

People often ask us why we adopted. It's not because we have so much to offer. It's not because we're nice. It's not because we wanted to be heroes. It's because it could just as easily have been our family torn apart by circumstances far beyond our control, the children born to us left to fend for themselves.

It is so easy to forget that. It is easy to think we are safe, we are different, or (forgive us, Lord) we are better. It is easy to pretend that we earned this life. It is easy to see ourselves as those who have climbed high enough to be able to condescend a few rungs on the ladder to help a poor soul. But we're not, and we didn't, and we haven't.

There are no strangers. We are brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and sons and daughters. We are not made to be all things to all people, but we are still made for each other.

Who is my neighbor? The one I love, not out of pity, but out of recognition. He is my son.

*These examples are not specific to Z's birth family, but they are all commonplace circumstances in Ethiopia.

memories

2011-12-04T22:53:00.001-08:00

We are making lots of fun new memories together this season, but it was an old memory that blew me away yesterday.

Z was playing with a little fleece scarf as I prepped dinner. This kid loves to accessorize, so he was having a good old time finding different ways to wear the scarf and I was not paying too much attention -- just thankful to have him occupied while I cooked. "Baby back-pack-pack?" (That's his word for backpack - he throws the extra syllable in there just for fun.) I looked over at him and was confused for a minute. He had wrapped the scarf around his belly and was smiling up at me like he'd done something clever. "Z baby back-pack-pack!" he announced. Oh! Finally silly mommy got it: he was pretending to have a baby wrapped on his back with the scarf. Which he has not seen since he left Ethiopia nine months ago. How crazy is that? Makes me wonder what else he remembers... My psychology background tells me that by the time he is old enough to answer the question "What do you remember from Ethiopia?" he will not have much, if anything, to say. I know that in my head, but my heart longs to hear so much more.

We can't do much to help Z keep his old memories, but we are having lots of fun making new ones together. This season has been particularly sweet, as we watch Z take in all the new experiences of his first Christmas season in America. Surprises so far: he was not scared to meet Santa and he is totally unfazed by the huge fir tree in our house. Not-so-surprising: he made loud silly noises through our whole Advent candle lighting and family devotional time, he's loving the Fisher Price nativity set, and he thinks candy canes are the best thing ever. Can't argue with that!

9 months

2011-11-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today Z has been home for 9 months! I'm going to save my next 'epic' post-placement installment for the 1 year mark, but I didn't want to let this milestone slip by unnoticed.

Z continues to live up to his names: he is strengthened by God - a strong, resilient, and loving boy, and he is an immeasurable blessing to our whole family.

We're all yours, buddy!

first thanksgiving!

my nana spoils me.

ready for my close-up.

dancing with mama.

7 quick takes: thanksgiving photo essay version

2011-11-25T19:32:00.001-08:00

[I promise to post something other than '7 quick takes' sometime soon. In the meantime I've thrown together some photo collages featuring moments from the last week when I was not breaking up fights, wiping bums, or stepping on cheerios with bare feet. Enjoy!]

1. Early Thanksgiving dinner with my fam.

2. Prepping for dinner at our place.

N made placemats and I practiced making apple candles.

[2.5 -- The real deal.]

As I was taking the cute apple picture featured in the previous photo collage, I found it ironic that I was holding the apple up over a sink full of dirty dishes. We can make ourselves look pretty darn awesome as long as we point the camera the right direction, amen?

3. Big Wednesday

Out of the house by 8:15, to Staples to drop off the placemats for laminating, QFC for preschool party items (OK, and S.tarbucks), drop kids at school, teach Mommy & Me class, leave class early to go to Thanksgiving celebrations in 2 different classrooms, quick stop at a friend's house to drop off a Thanksgiving meal voucher on the way to the dentist for teeth cleanings for D & Z, back to Staples to pick up the placemats (they turned out cute!), home for lunch & naps, off to a pre-Thanksgiving take-out dinner party, and finally to church for a beautiful Thanksgiving Eve service... with 3 squirmy tired boys, no childcare, and J playing drums most of the service. Thankful, exhausted, and ready for a frosty beverage.

5. Sunrise on the stemware.

I woke up Thursday morning to a very grumpy toddler, and an absolutely amazing sunrise.

4. Tables.

We had 9 adults and 6 kids - the perfect size for my first time hosting a Thanksgiving dinner.

6. Thankful feasting.

It was a lovely evening. I was way less stressed than I thought I'd be. I love the people around my table. I am so, so thankful.

7. Cabin day trip.

This morning we found ourselves looking at an empty calendar and a promising weather forecast, so we headed to my parent's cabin on Vashon Island. It was gorgeous, chilly, quiet, and just what we all needed. Still so very thankful.

7 slow takes

2011-11-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

[I'm a day late for the link-up but I thought I'd post anyway]

1. If I could only listen to one band for the rest of my life, I think it might be The Civil Wars. Their style, their song writing, their insane talent, their chemistry - I love it all, and we got to see it live in concert at the Neptune Theatre on Monday. I am so glad we got to go, not only because it was amazing beyond words, but also -

2. because our tickets spent 4 days in the recycling bin and would have been gone forever if it hadn't happened to be an 'off' week for recycle pick-up! I ordered them a few months ago and they came in the mail in a plain white envelope. We opened them and set them aside, but they somehow drifted into a pile of junk mail and ~~my husband~~ someone threw them out. A few days later I went to put them in a safe place, but couldn't find them anywhere, so (after I did some deep breathing and relaxation techniques to prevent a panic attack) we started looking through the kitchen recycling. We didn't find them. (More panic attacks.) Then J realized the recycling hadn't gone out this week and there were a few bags in the bin outside.We must have looked like lunatics out in our driveway frantically tearing open our own recycling... but we found them! Crisis averted.

3. In "This Never Ever Happens" news, I actually went to two concerts this week. Audrey Assad played a surprise impromptu show at the Fremont Abbey on Thursday night for a handful of her Twitter followers (see? Twitter is good for something!). She played a bunch of songs that will be coming out on her new record in February and they were so good I'm not sure how I'll wait that long to hear them again.

bad cell phone picture of me & Audrey Assad

4. While we're on the topic of music, my kids are obsessed with the new album from Slugs & Bugs, Under Where? I want to to do a full review of the album on this blog soon, especially because one of the songs is about adoption, so I won't go into too much detail now. I will say it is one of only a very few kids' albums that I can not only tolerate but actually enjoy. More on that soon...

5. Last night and this morning we have been watching a video of Z from May 2010 - the first video we ever saw of him, taken the same week we signed his referral. It is fascinating to watch Z watch himself - he is mesmerized by it. I also can't believe how much of his personality was captured by these 90 seconds of video: it is so him.

this photo was taken the same day as the video we've been watching

6. Yesterday we went to the doctor because D had been sick for a few days (he seems much better today, thank goodness), and on the way home I treated the boys to a little S.tarbucks date. I think Z liked his "buna" (Amharic for 'coffee', one of the only Amharic words he still says)...

7. We're off to my parents house now for Thanksgiving Dinner, Part One -- two of my siblings can't do dinner on Thursday, so we're starting the holiday early and eating our big turkey dinner together today. On that note, I better go change out of my jammies and make some green bean casserole. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

feelings and grace

2011-11-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

Remember those cute leaf-raking pictures from my last post? Yeah, this one didn't make it in. ;)

I don't envy adoption agency staff members -- preparing people to become adoptive parents must be crazy hard. I happen to think our agency did a fantastic job preparing us, and I'm impressed with how they've continued to refine and improve the education component of their program. Despite the great pre-adoption preparation we received, there was an undetected disconnect lurking in me -- something I didn't know that I didn't know until circumstances brought it to the surface.

I knew plenty about how Z might behave when he came home, and why, and what to do about it. I knew about how challenging it would be for him to leave everything familiar and come to a strange place with strange people, all at a critical point in his development. I knew it would challenge me too as I implemented strategies for bonding, building trust, and correcting inappropriate behavior. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, I'm just saying that my preparation was robust and I felt ready ready ready. I like a challenge, I thought. Especially a challenge that I have been anticipating and waiting to start for ~~a million years~~ months and months.

The disconnect came in the form of feelings. Some of the feelings I have listed below were short-lived and faded within days of getting home. Others are still part of my daily emotional life. All of them came as a surprise.

After the wait was over:

I felt numbness and ambivalence about bringing Z home

I felt uncomfortable and unnatural caring for him

I felt anger and frustration toward him when he acted out or threw a fit

I felt hurt and rejected when he didn't return my affection

I felt grief over the loss of my 'easy' family

I felt unhappy at a time when everyone expected me to be thrilled

I felt fearful about my ability to give Z the consistent, unconditional love-in-action that I knew he needed

I felt like I was in an abusive relationship, in the sense that a person was hurting me over and over and I had to keep coming back for more

I felt isolated because I was afraid to share my feelings with others

I felt horribly, horribly guilty and ashamed about all of the above.

Let me reiterate, I fully understood Z's behavior and was not surprised by it. To some degree, I even understood my emotional reaction to it... but only in a book-knowledge, "this can happen to some people and it is normal, but it won't happen to me" kind of way. For the sake of balance, I have to say that I also felt a lot of other, much more positive things: wonder, gratitude, and hope, to name a few. And over the course of the past several months, the trend has been overwhelming toward more and more positive emotions and fewer negative ones. But the beginning? Well, you read the list.

[Side note: Can you even imagine was Z's list would look like? He's still too young to put his feelings into words but I am pretty sure mine would pale in comparison to his. And honestly, he handled it all better than I did. Downright amazing, that kid.]

I am not sharing this to scare anyone, and I'm certainly not sharing it to garner sympathy. I'm sharing it because it's a real part of my story. I don't know what would have helped me to be more emotionally prepared beforehand. In the months before Z came home I had some major 'preparation fatigue' so I'm not sure any additional training would have registered with me. But sometimes just knowing that someone else has felt what you are feeling goes a long way. We all like to know we're not alone.

There are many things that have helped me to regain emotional health in the past several months, but they can all be distilled down to one thing: grace. Grace from others, in particular my amazing husband who told me beautiful lies every day (You're doing great, honey! It's OK to feel how you feel. OK, so they might have been truths, but they felt like lies at the time). Grace from myself, releasing myself from the chains of perfectionism and the self-condemnation that always follows. And behind, between, above it all, the grace of God -- the eternal 'yes' to my personhood, the gift of being forever good enough even if I do it all wrong, the orientation of God toward me, for me, with me, in me. Grace, grace to you friends.

7 quick takes

2011-11-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

[My first time participating in any kind of 'link up'... yeah, big time stuff.]

1. I can't stop thinking about the last book I finished, Conceiving Parenthood by Amy Laura Hall. It took me almost 9 months to read, mostly because it was pretty heavy and academic, which makes it hard to read for a person who gets interrupted approximately every 10 seconds. But I made it through and I'm glad I did. The book is basically an overview of the changing conceptions of family life / reproduction / parenting throughout the 20th century in mainstream American culture. Fascinating. And also, yikes.

2. I was late to the Pinterest party but now that I've arrived I am finding it to be every bit as delightful and time-sucking as promised. However I'm excited to report that I have actually done one of the projects I pinned! And it was sort of crafty! And I didn't completely screw it up! I'm as shocked as you are.

jersey knit headband

headbands & belts I'm hoping to sell at our preschool holiday fair

3. Do you ever think about people's blogging selves as being separate from their actual selves? Lately I've been more and more aware of the separation between who we are online and who we really are. I try to be honest and real here, but this blog does not authentically capture the full extent of who I am or what my family is like. And I am very OK with that because for one thing, it's public, and for another, if human beings and their relationships could be fully captured by a website... well that would just be sad.

4. The other day I was having leftover spaghetti for lunch and Z asked for a bite. Spaghetti is one of the only things he has loved to eat since we first met him and I got all nostalgic as I spoon-fed him a few bites. He was looking up at me with the sweetest expression and marinara sauce on his nose and I don't think I've ever loved him more.

5. None of the kids have school today so we're going swimming at the Y with friends. I'm hoping to keep the kids in the water a lot this winter so we don't lose all the progress we made over the summer and in Hawaii. D in particular made huge strides in Hawaii and can now swim at least 15 yards independently. Maybe I'll have 2 on the swim team next summer??

6. This weekend we are stopping by our agency's international adoption training for a bit to share some of our experiences with prospective adoptive parents. I'm excited! And kinda nervous.

7. Last Saturday was the annual fall leaf rake in the backyard. This was the first year when the boys were old enough to actually be reasonably helpful (well, 2 out of 3 anyway). We raked, piled, ran, jumped, and took the obligatory photos, followed by hot chocolate and hot tubbing at Nana & Papa's.

worth celebrating

2011-11-02T13:29:00.001-07:00

This week Z had an appointment with his doctor, a pediatrician who specializes in international adoption medicine. We haven't seen her for 6 months so it was time to check in, get some shots, and run some routine follow-up lab tests. If you asked Z how it went, you'd probably get mixed reviews: Well, they did have chalk and a chalkboard in the room and I got cookies afterward, but I also got something sprayed up my nose and lots of needles stuck in me. Fair point. Z may not have loved it, but from a mama perspective it turned out to be a huge blessing.

In the somewhat-controlled chaos that is life with 3 little boys, most days it is hard to see beyond the dirty socks and sibling squabbles to notice the miracles God is doing in our family. Like standing too close to a Monet, it's basically just a big mess until you step back and look at the whole thing. That's what this doctor visit gave me -- a chance to back up and look again. I looked down at the Patient Information form we fill out at each visit and realized I could circle "no" under every single thing in the "Do You Have Concerns About Your Child's..." column. I could place a check mark under all the developmental milestones for his age. I could fill out the whole form without hesitating or thinking, "Well, maybe this is an issue but I don't know him well enough yet to be sure." I gotta say, that felt awesome.

Maybe it's because Z is two and a half, maybe it's because I tend toward perfectionism, maybe it's because three children are constantly asking me for three different things and thus monopolizing the bulk of my mental space, but I don't often sit back and simply celebrate how amazingly well Z is doing. It is worth celebrating! I think sometimes my hyper-analytical self thinks that if I dwell on how great he is doing it will undermine the real difficulties he has faced and may continue to face as he integrates his past and present stories and situations. Plus I'm kind of allergic to sugarcoating stuff, which is fine I suppose, but that doesn't mean I can't celebrate the very real victories God has given us. And so...

We celebrate health: Z is growing well and has not struggled with any persistent health problems since coming home.

We celebrate healing: Z's club foot is, in my not-so-professional opinion, completely healed. He is a speedy little runner and kicks a mean soccer ball. Nothing's gonna hold him back!

We celebrate development: Z's language, gross motor, fine motor, cognitive, and social skills are all within the normal range for his age.

We celebrate progress: Z still likes to throw a good fit and pick fights over control issues, but he is able to recover from these things much more quickly than he did at first. I know what works to calm him down, what tone of voice will comfort him, and what phrases will resonate with him in a given situation. And he knows family skills like saying sorry, asking nicely, and using words before hands (well, we're working on it anyway).

We celebrate love: It would be impossible to count the number of kisses Z gives me in the course of one day. He is so sweet and affectionate it can actually be overwhelming at times! He loves us. We love him. It took time and patience and tears, but God gave us love for one another and it grows every day.

Yes, there are messes and mess-ups and mishaps, but I hope those things never keep me from seeing the bigger things that God is doing. He is working, both in the daily challenges and the greater context, and that is always worth celebrating.

Celebrating cousins / best-buddies.

the day we met

2011-10-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

One year ago we were sitting at a picnic table in Adama, Ethiopia making silly faces and sharing lollipops with a scared little boy who was about to become our son. I can see so much when I look back on those two or three hours we had together with eyes that are one year older: so much change, so many blessings, so much left to learn together.

I see his wide-eyed look with the right side of his bottom lip tucked under -- a look he wore in almost every picture we had of him before he came home, a look I haven't seen him make in months.

I thank God today for his healing.

I see the smiling, loving, patient nannies who laughed at his toddler rages, scooped him up, offered him a bottle, and kissed his cheeks.

I thank God today for the love and compassion shown to him before we ever met.

I see us, aware of his fear and guardedness, thrilled with every scream-free moment, every half-smile, every tiny sign of interest and interaction he gave us.

I thank God today for his easy laugh, his willing hugs, his playful spirit.

The last twelve months have been difficult for each of us in different ways, but blessings have woven their way through even the hardest days and longest nights; God has been at work. Love, trust, security, hope, and joy are slowly growing to replace fear, pain, anxiety, and reluctance. Yes, we still have hard days (in fact yesterday was fairly brutal). But looking back I see that the things which helped us make that first meeting with Z go well might be the very same things to help get me through the daily struggles with him today: be positive, gentle, and observant, keep the expectations low, rejoice in the small victories... and have plenty of lollipops on hand.

One year ago:

I swear we are not oblivious to his crying, we were just laughing because even his fits were cute to us... then. :)

his signature look, check out the lower lip bite

Last week:

(on vacation in Maui with my family)

I know I just used this picture in my last post, but I just had to add it in again. He was happy as a little clam on the beach all week!

story-telling, story-keeping: vacation version

2011-10-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

We just returned from an amazing week in Maui (thanks Mom & Dad!) and we're all tan, tired, and thankful. I rarely feel this way toward the end of a vacation, but I honestly could have happily stayed another week or two. The kids were in heaven, the condo was great, the weather was perfect... couldn't have asked for more.

One interesting thing about this trip was the attention Z attracted wherever we went. I don't feel like we get much notice at home - maybe an occasional second glance, but rarely any comments or extra attention from strangers. In fact, that has been one of the biggest surprises about adding Z to the family - after our adoption training I was all prepared to deal with "conspicuousness" but it just hasn't been an issue thus far. However, on this trip it was almost constant. People stared. People walked by, then turned around and stared. People touched his hair without asking (doesn't bug me that much, but still a little strange). People made comments. People asked questions. Most, if not all, were very kind and polite. One older gentleman even told me he was impressed by how I handled a discipline situation at the pool, and that he was going to call his daughter and tell her about it (I feel a bit sorry for her). I don't know if it is the demographic of a tourist-filled island, or if people act differently when they're on vacation, or if vacation activities like lounging around the beach and pool just invite more conversation, but it was a marked difference from what we experience at home (thank goodness).

Even though I am a naturally nosy person (eavesdropping is one of my ~~favorite pastimes~~ vices), I still don't quite understand how people can be so comfortable and nonchalant when asking such personal questions about a child's history. As I have shared before, we have chosen to keep the details of Z's story for him. As he grows, we will do our best to help him understand his story and we'll try to teach him how to share it wisely at his own discretion. Therefore, when a total stranger on the beach asks me, "So, what's his story? What happened to him?", I give them my standard line: There are many unfortunate circumstances that can lead to a child needing to be adopted, but we have chosen to keep Z's specific story just for him.

This works for now, but I do wonder how things will change when he is old enough to be an active part of the conversation. Will people be more reticent to ask such personal questions in front of an older child? I'm not counting on it. Part of me would love to say at that point, "Well, he's standing right here, so why don't you ask him if he'd like to talk to you about it?" Then again, I'm not sure I want to sic people on him like that. Thankfully, we haven't dealt with this much in our day-to-day life, but the vacation experience reminded me that it is something that will continue to resurface as different circumstances arise.

To those who are further down the road, I'd love to hear how you have dealt with this. Did the questions change as your child got older? Did you handle questions differently at different stages of your child's development? How have you taught your child to answer (or not answer) questions about their past?

*If you are reading this and you have been on the receiving end of my 'standard line'... it's OK! You are absolved. Now go, and sin no more. ;)

things i am loving right now

2011-10-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

Sequence For Kids -- My awesome in-laws bought this for D's birthday and I am pretty sure we have averaged about 10 games per day since then. It is simple enough for D to play without help, but requires enough strategy that N also enjoys it. (OK, OK, I like it too and may or may not get super competitive while playing against my 4 year old and 6 year old.)

Sistema Lunch Cube -- I picked up this lunch box organizer over the summer in anticipation of N's first year of eating lunch at school, and it rocks. It has space for a sandwich and two snack-size compartments big enough to fit fruit, string cheese, crackers, etc. Packing a whole lunch without a single plastic baggie makes me happy!

Heated Mattress Pad -- There is nothing better on a chilly fall night than crawling into toasty warm flannel sheets! This was a Christmas present from Jon last year and it is probably my favorite gift ever.

This Picture --

This Video -- Z counts to ten! (With a little ~~help~~ encouragement)

Thrifting -- A few other blog friends have inspired me to hit up the thrift store scene and I'm hooked. Today I got N a pair of Keen sandals for $6 and a super cute dress for me for $5, plus a book D loves for $0.65. Can't beat that. Besides the cheapness (which I'm all about), I love not worrying about whether I might be supporting child labor / sweatshops with my purchase.

New-to-me dress

No Diapers -- Completely of his own volition, Z is officially 'tells-me-when-he-needs-to-go-and-doesn't-need-reminders' potty trained! Not having to change dirty diapers more than makes up for the slight inconvenience of having to dash to the potty with Z when we're out and about. (P.S. If I believed in karma this would totally fit, because let me tell you I have put enough blood, sweat, and tears into potty training one of my other kiddos to last a lifetime!)

Undies!

Leslie Patricelli Books -- I started checking out Patricelli's board books at the library a few months ago and they have quickly become some of my very favorite toddler books. They have simple pictures and few words per page but they almost always make me laugh out loud on first reading. The one we picked up today, called "Happy Baby Sad Baby", had a subtle reference to the snowsuit scene in the classic film "A Christmas Story" that cracked me up. If your life includes humans from the under 5 crowd, these books are a guaranteed hit.

Dukem Market -- I was regularly driving about 30 minutes each way to buy injera and Ethiopian spices until a few weeks ago when a preschool dad (who happens to be Ethiopian) chuckled at me and asked why I don't go to Dukem Market. Huh? Turns out there's an Ethiopian market just a few miles from my house right by just about every other store I ever go to! Perfect for a day like today, when I was out running errands and wondering what to make for dinner -- stopped in for injera, already had ingredients for misr wat at home, super easy and yummy dinner.

Fast Drugs -- Z started tugging on his ear Monday night and woke up Tuesday with a fever. By mid-morning we were seeing the doctor and he got his first dose of antibiotics to treat a mild ear infection a few hours later, all covered by our insurance. If this does not seem amazing to you, count yourself very blessed to be in the vast, vast minority world-wide.

Hawaii -- My parents are treating their kids, kids' spouses, and grandboys to a week in Maui starting in less than 24 hours! Have I mentioned how much I love them? I mean, like, really, really love them? Can't wait.

I'm loving way more things, but I need to go pack now -- Aloha!

faking it till i make it

2011-10-06T22:08:00.000-07:00

Equal parts cute and fierce.

The only downside to having a series of good days is that it really makes the bad days sting. We've had a long string of good days, weeks even, but yesterday was one of those stingers. From the moment he woke up to the time he went to bed (30 minutes earlier than usual, for the good of the household) Z was testing boundaries, pushing buttons, pulling out all his old behaviors, and just generally acting disagreeable.

So how did I handle it (besides sitting on the kitchen floor crying for half of nap time, obviously)? I faked it. I have learned the hard way that showing Z how much his behavior upsets me is playing right into his hand. Reacting to his attempts to manipulate and control situations only fuels the fire. The only effective technique I've found for neutralizing these situations is to plaster a smile on my face, pretend I don't notice he's playing a game, and go on with the task at hand. It makes him furious at first of course, but eventually he gives up because its no fun to play manipulation games by yourself.

When Z behaves this way my visceral gut reaction is anger. I get mad. I don't want to smile, I don't want to keep my voice light and sweet, I don't want to be patient and calm. A child older than Z would probably pick up the falsely saccharine tone to my voice and know I was faking, but its the best I can do and thank God it works for now.

Faking my way through the day yesterday may have been necessary, but it still felt awful. I hate feeling anger toward my child. I hate keeping my feelings bottled up. It is exhausting to keep it together when someone is testing your limits all day long. But a good cry, a hot bath and a margarita (OK fine, two margaritas) later, I felt much better and I was able to step back from the trials of the day and be thankful. Thankful for the many good days that came before this ugly one. Thankful for a growing confidence in God's provision as we parent our kids. Thankful for a God who is never faking it, but somehow always genuinely loving and gentle toward us no matter what we throw at him. I'm praying for that kind of love to work its way so deeply into my being that I can't help but give it to others, especially my children. Until then I'll keep faking it till I make it.

baptism

2011-10-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

Z's grandmother gave him his Ethiopian name, which is the Oromifa word for blessing.

We gave him his middle name, chosen for a biblical prophet whose name means God will strengthen.

At Z's baptism on Sunday we read Psalm 29:11, which beautifully captures the meanings of both names:

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

It was a beautiful day!

(re)adopted!

2011-10-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we completed the readoption process, which means that Z's adoption is now fully recognized by the US government, his name has been legally changed, and he can receive a US birth certificate. We chose to do the readoption mostly to make life easier later when we register Z for school, go to get him a driver's license, or do anything else that requires a birth certificate. From what I understand, it is possible to use a foreign birth certificate for these things, but having a US one makes the process smoother.

As you can probably tell from the tone of the above paragraph, I am not particularly sentimental about the whole thing! But just for posterity, here are a few pictures:

Z wanted to be sworn in too and solemnly raised his right hand

Being a goofball for the commissioner

We used a trusted lawyer and found the whole process to be short, sweet, and easy. We provided the lawyer with a few requested documents, waited a couple of weeks, and then showed up in court for a nice 5 minute conversation with the commissioner... and that was it! If only the whole adoption process was that easy, right?? Our social worker came with some gifts for the kids (she also took pictures for us - thanks Liane!), and the commissioner gave us a treat for each of our boys. As I said, I viewed this as sort of a non-event formality, but even so it was not a bad way to spend a Friday morning!

making it official

2011-09-26T15:00:00.001-07:00

This will be a big weekend for our little boy: on Friday we will appear before a judge to complete the readoptio n process, and on Sunday at church Z will be baptized! I didn't intentionally schedule these two events to coincide with each other, but I am so glad it worked out this way because seeing them side by side on the calendar allowed me recognize the connection between them and the significance they share.

The readoption represents an official recognition of something that has been a reality for us since November 15, 2010: Z is our son. Though we have called him Z since shortly after he came home, it will now be part of his legal name.* It is gratifying to know that what has been true in our hearts for almost a year will now be legitimized by the government of our country.

If the readoption represents a legal recognition of Z's place in our family, his baptism will be, in part, a spiritual parallel of this action. As Presbyterians we do not view baptism as a saving act, but rather an outward expression of an inward reality and a visible sign of God's covenant with his people. In his baptism we are affirming God's truth about Z and recognizing his place, not only in our family, but in the family of God.

And so in the span of one weekend two significant entities will make pronouncements over our child. Though they are separate and distinct from each other, their messages ring with the same truth: You have a name, you have a family, you have a home, you belong. Thanks be to God.

*We are keeping his given Ethiopian name as his first name and the name we chose (which is what he is called most of the time) will be his middle name. All children adopted from Ethiopia are automatically given a legal name that consists of their given Ethiopian first name followed by their adoptive father's first name and their adoptive family surname. This is the name on all their legal documentation and remains their legal name unless you go through a readoption or legal name change process.

yielding

2011-09-14T20:30:00.001-07:00

Yield (oil on canvas), by Bryan Haynes

Yesterday Z lay in his crib at naptime and sang songs, told stories, and had a grand old time not sleeping. I gave up after an hour and went in to him. Nothing seemed to be wrong - clean diaper, noise machine on, and comfort items within reach - so I just held him quietly in the rocker and cuddled. I pressed my lips to his sweet head, smelled his coconut conditioner, and thanked God for this precious child.

Just as his breathing started to slow and I thought he might actually fall asleep after all, I heard D get out of bed. Now let me tell you that my dear darling D may have just turned 4, but the kid walks like a 300 pound gorilla.

Boom. D jumped to the floor. Z's eyes fluttered open.

Thump, thump, thump, thump. D lumbered down the hallway. Z shifted in my arms.

Mommy! D shout-whispered from the doorway to Z's room. I want to get up now!

I tried nodding and gesturing but that induced more shout-whispers so I finally whispered back, OK hon, go read books in the living room.

Thump, thump, thud. D dropped a book on the hardwood.

Squeak, rustle, squeak. D made himself comfortable on the noisy leather couch, right in Z's line of sight.

Sigh.

A wave of frustration swelled and churned. Why didn't Z nap in his crib like he usually does? Why did D have to be so loud at just the wrong moment? Why don't my kids just do what I want them to do when I want them to do it? But right before my grumbling grew into a full-blown whine-fest, the Holy Spirit broke through and pulled me up short with a simple truth: love yields.

What does this mean? It means that if we are going to live together in love, D is going to wake Z up from his nap too early, and Z is going to color on N's field trip permission slip, and N is going to eat the last of D's favorite cereal, and Mommy is going to forget to bring a lollipop to Supercuts even though she promised, and Daddy is going to accidentally recycle D's preschool registration form... and you know what? It's OK. Good, even. Because in those moments we are given the opportunity to yield to each other, to give grace to each other, to express love for each other in the small community that is our family.

Having three young boys means life is messy, but I am learning to see the mess differently. I want to teach my children that living in community means learning to yield to one another in the messiness. I'm pretty sure this won't be as simple as saying, "Gee N, isn't it great that D wrecked your Lego castle? Now you can show him love by responding with grace!" To be honest, I don't really know what this looks like exactly. But I'm told that kids learn more from watching than listening, so I guess I'll start by trying to actually do it, God helping me.

By the way, yesterday? Z totally fell asleep anyway, despite his brothers thumps, booms, and thuds. Ohhhh, so thankful.

guest post

2011-09-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of writing a guest post for the YWAM Ethiopia blog today. Click over and check it out:

That We Might Be Adopted: Needing Each Other

Happy Tuesday!

cooking ethiopian

2011-09-08T20:59:00.001-07:00

Today is New Year's Day in Ethiopia: Melkem Addis Amet! In honor of the holiday, I'm sharing some of our experiences in cooking traditional Ethiopian food.

One of my favorite memories from Z's first week home is of watching him devour a whole plate of shiro wat and injera (thanks again for bringing it over, Melissa & Nathan!). He was not a great eater in those first days (or weeks or months), but Ethiopian food was almost always a big hit with him. Seeing him swipe a piece of injera across his plate always made me smile twice over: once for the joy of a conflict-free meal and again for the delightful and distinctly Ethiopian flick of the wrist Z used to scoop up his food.

For the first few months our culinary needs were met by a sweet and generous Ethiopian friend of mine and the occasional trip to Tagla Cafe. But recently I've gotten brave and tried my hand at making a few simple dishes. I've heard injera is pretty tricky to make (you have to get the fermentation just right or its a gloppy mess), so I just buy it at an Ethiopian market, along with spices, shiro, and lentils. Here are the recipes for the dishes I have tried so far, along with a few notes about each:

Crock-Pot Doro Wat

Recipe adapted from A Year of Slow Cooking

1 can diced tomatoes

1.5 lbs boneless, skinless chicken thighs

1/4 cup lemon juice
2 tablespoons butter
3 large onions, diced
2 tablespoons berbere (traditional Ethiopian spice)
2 cups water
8 hard boiled eggs, peeled

Add all ingredients except the boiled eggs to a 6 quart crock pot in the order listed above. Cook 7-8 hours on low, adding eggs for last 15 minutes.

I had chicken breasts on hand, so I used those instead of chicken thighs, but I wouldn't do that next time because they are not as tender. I used a little bit less water than the recipe calls for because I wanted to serve it over injera, not in a bowl, so I didn't want it to be too soupy. I also shredded the chicken, but you probably wouldn't need to do that if you used thighs. The berbere gives this dish an Ethiopian flavor, but other than that it was nothing like the doro wat you will get in Ethiopia or at a traditional restaurant. Despite the lack of authenticity, it was definitely tasty and I'll make it again.

Shiro Wat

I got this recipe from the woman who was working at the Ethiopian market - thankfully it is simple and I still remembered it when I got home.

Butter or olive oil

Onion

Garlic

Shiro

Dice the onion as finely as possible and cook it in butter or oil (for a single batch I use 1 onion and 2-3 tablespoons of butter). Cook until the onion is very soft and beginning to brown. Add a bit of finely chopped garlic during the last minute of cooking, but don't over-do it -- my first attempt was way too garlicky. Add about 1.5 cups of water to the onions and garlic and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to med-low and slowly stir in 4-6 tablespoons of shiro, adding 1 tablespoon at a time and then stirring to prevent clumps. It is a little tricky to tell when you have added enough shiro, as the sauce will thicken a bit while it cooks. You are looking for a nice, thick, oatmeal-like consistency so keep adding, stirring, and cooking until you get there. If you want your shiro wat to be very smooth the way its served in restaurants you can transfer it to a food processor, give it a whirl, and then return it to the pot to finish cooking. Scoop a generous spoonful onto a plate of injera and enjoy!

Misr Wat

Recipe from Saveur.com

1 cup small red lentils

4 tbsp butter

1 small onion, finely chopped
4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
2 tbsp berbere
1 small tomato, diced
Salt, to taste

Rinse the lentils in cold running water and set aside. Heat the butter in a medium saucepan, add the onion and cook until soft. Just like the shiro wat recipe, add the garlic when the onions are almost done and cook for a minute or two. Then add 1 tbsp of berbere, the lentils, the diced tomato and 4 cups of water. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 50-60 minutes, stirring occasionally. Season liberally with salt, and add as much of the remaining 1 tbsp of berbere as you dare... I don't add more than 1/4 tbsp and that is plenty of spice for me (and I like spicy food). Serve it over injera and get ready to dish up seconds -- it is delicious! I make a batch for my kids with only a total of 1/4 tbsp berbere and they do OK with it (though my big boys prefer to just eat the injera plain with ketchup... Americans!). This is by far my favorite dish that I've made so far, and the most authentic tasting, plus it is crazy easy. Love it.

Anyone else tried cooking Ethiopian? What worked (or didn't)? Share your recipes and tips -- I'd love to try a few more dishes. Oh and my husband is requesting meat next time... Tibs anyone?

epic post placement post: 6 months

2011-08-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's time for another installment in the 'epic post-placement post' series! (To see previous posts click here and here.)

As I said in my original post, beyond just recording these things for posterity, my motivation for doing this is mainly to provide a window into our experiences for the sake of those who are waiting to bring their children home and wondering what it might be like when they finally do. Of course our experience just represents one dot on a huge spectrum, so if you are a waiting parent your experiences may (and most likely will) be completely different from ours. Still, I think it can be helpful to know what life is like for those a few steps ahead of us down the road.

Eating
Z continues to eat well and try new foods often. Since Z's graduation from 'mealtime boot camp' (see 'eating' section of this post) we have been able to loosen the reins a very little bit on mealtime boundaries, including eating meals at other people's houses, restaurants, the park, or the backyard. And rather than cutting him off at the first infraction, we are typically able to give him a chance or two without instigating a battle of wills or inciting manipulative behavior. Another huge milestone has been teaching Z delayed gratification: "If you eat X, you can have Y." Believe it or not, this finally clicked for him when X was chili and Y was... green beans. Kid loves him some green beans. Despite these victories, there is still usually one meal per day that ends in Z being excused due to inappropriate mealtime behavior (when he is 'excused' he still sits at the table with us until the meal is finished, he is just done eating for that meal). Most of the time this behavior stems from Z's desire to control every element of the meal -- how the food is served, where things are on the table, who gets served first, etc. Sometimes he can recover from not being granted this control, and sometimes he can't. Still, overall Z is eating well and growing in the family skill of eating meals together at the table.

Sleeping
We had about two or three months of decent sleep at one point, I think it was in the Spring. More often than not during that time, all our children went to bed fairly easily, stayed asleep all night, and woke up at a decent hour in the morning. It was lovely. Then we went on vacation and were on East Coast Time. Then our 3 year old suddenly needed his sheets changed multiple times per night. Then it was summer and we stayed up too late. Then Z went through a gnarly separation anxiety phase. Now (knock on wood) we have had two uneventful nights in a row, which I hope is the new trend because school starts soon and we need our sleep! Since coming home Z has gone through phases of night-waking, waking 2 or 3 times per night every night for a few weeks, then sleeping through without waking for days or weeks at a time. Most of the time when he wakes up he is easily comforted back to sleep, but once in awhile he wakes up seeming angry, scared or upset and he won't let us touch him. Those are the hardest times. Even though this is within the spectrum of normal toddler behavior, I can't help wondering if he is reliving something from his past. But since he is too young to tell us what's going on, there is no point getting worked up about it -- we just do our best to comfort him, and we pray.

Behavior
Z is still two, and I do mean TWO. He is so much fun, and he is so much work. I am trying to keep a long view of things when it comes to working through Z's behaviors. He had 2 years to learn these behaviors and they are not going to disappear overnight. None of Z's specific behaviors are outside the scope of normal two year old stuff, but in my (albeit limited) experience they are just more frequent, more easily triggered, and more intense. We still have spitting, we still have screaming, we still have tantrums, and we still have the occasional biting and lots of hitting, as well as a hearty dose of controlling and manipulative behavior*. Is it better than when he came home? Absolutely. Is it better this month than last month? Maybe. Like I said, long view. We use time-ins (Z in his crib, me in the chair next to him), redirection, do-overs, and a wee bit of what psych professionals call 'aversion therapy.' In our house it is called Rude Juice. Crimes of the mouth (spitting, biting, and screaming) result in a very small amount of vinegar being squirted into the offending orifice with a medicine dropper. It is decidedly unpleasant, but not harmful, aggressive or mean... and it works like a charm. I can't wrap up this section without noting that Z also has lots and lots and lots of adorable behaviors to balance out the challenging ones! He is playful, fun-loving, affectionate, friendly, and has a great sense of humor. At the park or pool I often get asked, "Is he always this happy?" To which I usually reply, "Oh, he just loves the park/pool!", because that sounds better than "No, he's not." Anyway, my point is that although we do lots of daily hard work together on appropriate behavior, we also have lots of good fun.

*In case you've never seen this, here's an example: I ask Z if he wants to read a book. He says no. I say OK. He has a breakdown and starts screaming 'book! book!' Now if I were not wise to his ways, I might be tempted to give in, pick up the book, and try reading it to him. At which point I'd put 10 bucks on Z saying 'no book!' and double or nothin' he throws it across the room. So instead I explain 'Mommy listens when you say no, and you said no, so that means no book'. And he cries like I shot Ol' Yeller.

Socialization
We still don't leave Z with babysitters or other adults very often - not nearly as much as we did with N & D. However for our own mental and marital health, we need to get out once in awhile! My parents have watched the kids on occasion and J's parents watched them a bit while we were visiting them in June. We also slowly introduced Z to a couple of our favorite babysitters and have recently begun leaving him with them for an hour or two at a time. We left him with a (non-grandparent) babysitter at bedtime for the first time this week and it went well. We talked about it with him several times throughout that day so that he knew it was coming, plus he had skipped his nap so he was exhausted and very ready for bed regardless of who was putting him down. Z continues to do well in all different kinds of social settings - church nursery, playdates, family gatherings, etc. He will attend a two year old preschool class at our church two mornings a week this fall which should be lots of fun for him and a nice regularly scheduled break for me.

Health
We are so thankful that Z has been a healthy little guy all summer! He got his cast off in June and he hit the ground running, if you'll excuse the pun. :) He had a follow up appointment last month and the doctor was very happy with his progress, saying that when he grows out of his orthotic he will not need a new one, though he'll continue to wear his brace at night for another year or so. (Which reminds me, I need to call the doctor... Z got mad yesterday, grabbed what was handy, and chucked it across the room. And what was handy? You guessed it, his brace. And it broke. Sigh.)

Communication
Like his mom, dad, and brothers, Z is a talker. He can string together 5 and 6 word sentences now, and his pronunciation is improving quite a bit as well. I studied linguistics in college and Z's language development has been absolutely fascinating to me. The most amazing thing has been how quickly he learns to both say and understand new words. When I am trying to learn a word in Amharic, I need the speaker to repeat it for me several times and I usually have to come up with some little trick for remembering it, or I have to use it in context immediately and with some frequency - otherwise it is gone within minutes of hearing it. By contrast, Z can learn a new word the first time he hears it, understanding its meaning and then using it again correctly days later. Toddler brains are incredibly wired for language learning and it has been so fun to have a front row seat for this process! I am also fascinated by which words from Ethiopia Z has kept in his vocabulary. I intentionally say "words from Ethiopia" because the words which have persisted are not Amharic or Oromifa words, but rather baby-talk approximations which I am guessing were the first words he ever said. It stands to reason that the words he has been saying longest (and therefore spoke the earliest) are the ones which would take the longest to be replaced by English words. If that conjecture is true, then Z's first words were Oromifa baby-talk for "no" and "sit", and "give me". Sounds about right to me!

Brothers
N (age 6) and Z continue to get along swimmingly. N loves to help Z, play with Z, teach Z new things, etc. I would say that of all the members of the family, Z's adoption probably had the least impact on N. His place in the family did not change - he is still the big brother and he has enjoyed having another younger sibling to play with, teach, and help. D (almost 4) however, has had to make a significant adjustment: less attention from me, more sharing, more compromising his preferences, and a small person taking his toys, monopolizing his mom, and generally just getting up in his mix. At first he seemed rather indifferent about the change, as though he was just trying to ride it out until things went back to how they were before. But when Z had been home about 4 months something clicked. I think D realized that this was, in fact, the new normal... and he was not a fan. We have spent the summer working through these issues together: talking, praying, processing feelings, giving focused attention, and doing lots of hands-on coaching to help all our kids treat each other with kindness and respect. Though it hasn't been easy, this has been good, necessary, and inevitable work for our family.

Bonding & Connecting
In the 'sleep' section I mentioned Z's recent bout of separation anxiety: I consider this to be a major bonding milestone! It made for a tough few weeks, and I am thankful to be through it -- not only because we are all sleeping better, but more importantly because it was a priceless opportunity to build trust. We were able to teach Z that even when he can't see us, we are here. There are very few things I want to plant deep into his heart more than that.

We continue to engage in activities that intentionally foster connection between us and Z - tickling, wrestling, cuddling, etc. One of the bonding activities that has borne the most fruit for us has been bottle-feeding* Z before nap-time and bedtime every day. No matter what kind of day we are having or how we may be feeling about each other leading up to that point, our bottle time is almost a guaranteed blessing. Z will cuddle on my lap (or J's - we take turns), look into my eyes, give me kisses, and fully relax into my arms. It did take work to get to this point, but it was well worth it as we now have two sweet bonding times built into our daily routine.

*For those who want specific details, we started out bottle feeding with 6-8 oz of milk, then switched to water after a few months, then reduced the volume to about 4-5 oz.

Cultural Connections
We haven't been able to spend as much time with our Ethiopian friends this summer, but we have started eating a lot more Ethiopian food at home since finding a great little store that sells injera, spices, and other Ethiopian items. I'm going to devote a whole post to this soon, so check back later to read more.

The Crazy Easy Stuff
And the winner for most surprisingly easy part of the last six months is (drum roll please)... potty training! I wasn't even thinking about potty training Z, but apparently he was way ahead of me. He would often ask to sit on the potty when he saw his brothers going, so I had gotten into the habit of sitting him there a few times throughout the day. I didn't give it much thought until one day I realized he was actually doing most of his business in the potty! Well, how 'bout that. He is not super reliable about telling us when he has to go (though he will do it on occasion), so I can't officially stamp him as 'potty trained', but considering how little effort I've put in, I am happily surprised by how well he is doing.

The Good Hard Stuff
So, to summarize, life is good. I cannot say that life is easy, or organized, or quiet, or predictable, or even really manageable on some days... but I can say that life is very good. After 6 months together, our love for each other has grown and woven itself through the fabric of our daily lives. We are experiencing God's grace and watching him work in us in ways that are sometimes painful but always glorious. We are learning to be a family together and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

And now, your reward for ~~scrolling down past~~ reading this novel: a few pictures from our recent photo shoot with my amazing photographer friend, Liz Quitiquit.

he rocks

2011-08-19T12:10:00.001-07:00

So, I may have promised my husband that I wouldn't do this... but I just can't help myself! The world needs to know (and by world, I mean the ~~millions~~ dozens of you kind readers out there).

This blog is supposed to be about our family's journey through adoption from Ethiopia, but since I tend to be a bit ~~narcissistic~~ ~~self-absorbed~~ focused on my own perspective, I'm afraid it might not always tell the full story. And the full story? Is that my husband flat-out rocks.

If I am writing on here about some revelation I've had, chances are that J helped me to see it. If I share about a struggle I'm having, you can bet he is down in the trenches with me. If I gush about a recent successful parenting strategy, it was probably his idea. And for goodness sakes, if I even have the time to be writing on here it is most likely because he is upstairs giving 3 kids a bath or washing a sink-full of dishes!

I could go on and on, but instead I'll let his words speak for themselves. These are just a few of the things he's been known to say regularly:

What can I do to help?

Wow, honey the house looks great!

Looks like he needs a diaper change -- I got it.

Why don't I take the kids outside for awhile so you can rest?

You're pretty.

Let's go on a date.

How can I help you take a break?

Let me get you a Kleenex... It's OK, hon... That's not a dumb reason to cry... It's OK to feel that way.

You're a great mom.

I would not be who I am without him, and he is the best husband and dad the boys and I could ever ask for!

i guess we're doing ok after all

2011-08-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

When I was in 4th grade my teacher had a coupon system. Everyone got 10 coupons at the beginning of the year and each coupon was like a 'get out of jail free' card for turning in your homework late, but if you kept all 10 coupons the whole year there was some special prize. I don't think I'd ever turned in homework late, but for some reason this whole system pushed my crazy button. I remember sobbing in my bed because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep all 10 coupons all year. My mom rubbed my back and told me it didn't matter, that I should just do my best and not put so much pressure on myself.

Fast forward 20+ years and I am still not taking her advice.

True, there are no coupons or prizes in adoptive parenting but that hasn't stopped me from putting insane amounts of pressure on myself to do it all just right. And you can imagine the resulting neurosis, since there is no right way to do any of this. "I'm just so afraid I'm gonna mess him up," I told my sister the other day. "Oh, you will," was her immediate reply. "We all do. No sense being afraid of it." She is younger than me, but a far sight smarter.

The trouble started a few weeks ago when Z began having trouble at bedtime and reverting to some old behaviors. Normal, right? Not the end of the world. But in the blink of an eye guilt, fear, and pride crept in and turned a small setback for Z into a huge messy pit for his mama. I fell down the wormhole of worry and forgot a lot of important things on the way.* I forgot to take a long view of things and to accept setbacks as a normal part of the journey. I forgot that I am not in control. I forgot to give myself grace. Most significantly, I forgot that Z belongs first to God. His life, all of it - good, bad, painful, and beautiful - belongs to God. I am Z's parent, but I am not his creator, his healer, or his savior.

And in that truth there is great freedom to let go of all this pressure. The pressure to know exactly what is going on inside him... his Creator knows. The pressure to heal what is broken... only the Healer has power to do that. And the pressure to do it all right so that he will look back someday and be OK with himself and his life... Jesus Christ is the only thing that makes anything OK. I pray that Z knows this for himself one day, but that is the work of the Holy Spirit.

By the way, the real issue behind the sleep and behavior problems? Good ol' fashioned separation anxiety. I figured it out when I dropped Z off at the church nursery and, for the first time ever, he had a total melt-down. The exact same kind he's been having at every bedtime. I probably looked like a horrible mom as I walked away grinning, but I was so happy to have an answer I couldn't help it. Now at bedtime I give him extra reassurance (Mommy is right here, I'll be close by, I'm not leaving just stepping outside the room, etc), and pop my head back in the room a few times to prove that I haven't disappeared... and it works! He lays his head down and goes to sleep. All that drama and worry, and it turns out the kid likes us enough to be sad when we leave. I guess we're doing OK after all.

*I also cried big alligator tears of self-pity at the YWAM Ethiopia moms group last week... and arrived late... and left early... and I'm the one who organizes the group. Yeah, it was that kind of week. Thanks for the grace and Kleenex, friends!

airplanes and helicopters and bikes, oh my!

2011-08-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

We are in the midst of a bit of a rough patch at the moment. It probably feels rougher than it actually is, because it involves sleep and everything feels harder when you're sleep-deprived (can I get an 'AMEN').

Starting sometime last week Z began showing signs of anxiety and fear about bedtime and naptime. At first I thought his behavior was just more of his usual tricks -- Z is a master manipulator and we deal with power-play control battles on a daily basis. But after a few days I began to see signs that this was something different. He was clingy and cried when we left him, he had more frequent night wakings, and he sometimes woke up crying in the morning. Usually we stick tightly to his bedtime routine, but last Saturday night I stayed a bit longer in his room and offered him some extra comfort after putting him down. As I rubbed his back he whimpered, "Airplane... bike.... helicopter." Was he scared of hearing loud noises outside while in bed? I gave him all the reassurances I could think of: You are safe, Mommy's here, you have your blankie, no airplanes or bikes or helicopters can hurt you, you're OK... A white noise machine has helped a little bit, but for the most part he is still a wreck at every naptime and bedtime. We haven't dealt with this type of fear and anxiety in him since his first month home. It is hard.

My ~~crazy~~ analytical brain wants to figure out why this is happening. Does it have to do with how long he has been home? Did something recently trigger a traumatic experience from his past? Is it related to a recent two-night stay at my parents' cabin? Curious as I may be, it is not important (or possible) for me to solve this puzzle. It is important for me to remember that his feelings and fears are real to him, even if they don't make sense to me. It is important for me to keep listening to and respecting those feelings, and responding with empathy, compassion, and comfort. It is important for me to know that this type of thing is normal. It's not my fault, nor is it the result of some mistake on my part (though I've made many). I can't control when or how set-backs happen, I can only control my response to them. Although I hate to see my son scared and upset, I am thankful for the opportunity to be there for him and offer comfort in the midst of it. If nothing else, I hope it will strengthen his trust in me and help him to know that he is not alone.

this week in iphone photos

2011-08-05T15:17:00.001-07:00

Since my brain is on summer vacation these days, I am taking a page out of Kristen's book and doing an iPhone photo post. Enjoy!

brother hang-time at the cabin

Uncle Travis is a brave, brave man.

I made shiro wat. And yes, it is supposed to look like cat poo. It tastes good, I swear.

On our way home from a family photo shoot in our traditional Ethiopian gear. More photos to come...

]
Sportin' some new kicks.

A version of Angry Birds which is slightly less guilt-inducing for Mommy.

summer tidbits

2011-08-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

Z is loving the summertime. In the pool he barely comes up for air and screams like a banshee when it's time to get out. At the beach he throws rocks to his little heart's content and plays for hours with his cousins. Life is good.

Last night he was so proud of himself for getting a big bite of ice cream on his spoon all by himself. He grinned up at me and said, "Mommy, high five! I did it!"

Also overheard at meal time is the boys' current running joke, which involves pretending to burp and then shouting "Pizza!" Z thinks this is the funniest thing he has ever seen or done.

Z saw a bunny in our front yard the other day and hasn't stopped talking about it since. A few times a day he will reminisce about that special moment by telling anyone who will listen: "Bunny! Bunny eating! Bunny eating grass!"

Here, bunny bunny bunny!

Last weekend was the annual Dolphin Point Beach Bash at my parents' cabin -- Z had the time of his life running in the kiddie races, charming the crowd, and eating lots of good food.

what i didn't know: HIV

2011-07-20T14:23:00.001-07:00

I recently found out about an organization called Project Hopeful, and I wanted to share a few things I didn't know before I read their amazing Frequently Asked Questions page:

*There has never been a case of HIV/AIDS transmission as a result of normal, family life. This means that children who are HIV+ do not pose a risk to other family members in the home. Using basic precautions when dealing with blood (i.e. injuries), which everyone should be using at all times with all individuals anyway, will always prevent transmission of the disease, and HIV cannot be passed by sweat, snot, urine, feces, tears, or saliva.

*HIV is chronic but manageable disease. Children with HIV who receive treatment have a completely normal life expectancy.

*In all likelihood, the biggest challenge that children in the US with HIV/AIDS (whether they are adopted by US parents or born in the US) will face is not health-related. The biggest challenge they will face has nothing to do with their white blood cell count or cold and flu season. The single biggest challenge that HIV+ kids will face in America is stigma.

*This stigma exists because Americans stopped learning about HIV in the '80s. We were terrified by Magic Johnson's diagnosis and Ryan White's death, so we froze with fear and stopped learning. Hello, people - Magic Johnson is still alive and kicking 20 years later and he is not that young! If you had asked me a year ago whether I would want my child to be on a sports team with another child who was HIV+, I would have at least hesitated, if not immediately said no. Why? Ignorance, fear, and misinformation. If my son was exposed to HIV from a basketball teammate we have other HUGE problems because that means they were either sharing needles or having sex. If you are not worried about those two things happening in your family, classroom, sports team, neighborhood BBQ, or play group, then you should also not worry about having an HIV+ child be part of those groups or activities.

What I don't know about all this could still fill a book, but I'm glad to be learning -- better late than never!

family life and unmet needs

2011-07-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

When we first brought Z home our biggest priority was to connect with him and meet his needs. We did our best to learn what his needs were and to teach him how to express those needs to us so that we could meet them. Keep in mind, this doesn't mean we gave him everything he wanted all the time, but we did use every opportunity we could to build trust through meeting his needs for comfort, food, sleep, affection, space, recreation, etc.

As you can imagine, this required (and continues to require) a great deal of our attention, focus, and energy, which has not been without consequence for our other two boys. Though I tried hard not to marginalize them, I didn't always succeed, and there were times where I unintentionally sent the message that Z's needs were more important than theirs. My 6 year old didn't feel this as much because he is older and can be independent with a lot of things, but my 3 year old felt it. He put up with it for a few months, but a couple of weeks ago he decided he'd had enough. He was going to demand his mommy's full attention again no matter what it took. So suddenly I had not one, but two very high-needs children in my home and life got... um, interesting.

Thank God for the wise people he has put in my life. My friend Chris also has a 2 year old and a 3 year old (and, ahem, SEVEN other children - she's amazing), so I shared my struggle with her at a recent adoptive mom gathering. "They both need the same thing from me all the time and I can't meet both their needs at the same time!" I whined. And do you know what she said? She said, That's OK. That's OK? What? But Z is adopted! I have to meet his needs! I have to build his trust! True, and I am doing those things. But Z also lives in a family, and in families we share, not only toys and books and food, but also parents. And that's OK. When he has to wait for D to be done snuggling with me before he gets his turn I am not rejecting him or letting his needs go unmet. I am teaching him how to live and love in a family. I am teaching him that, in our family, we are all valuable, we all need love and affection, and we all matter. It will take a few tears and fits, but I know it will be a lesson worth learning for all of us.

today

2011-07-11T15:50:00.001-07:00

Today I sat next to my toddler as he cried and screamed and railed against all the injustices of his little life. I reached out for him, but he wasn't ready. I waited.

Today I sat with my toddler and rocked and cuddled and sang and wiped away the tears. When his dried, mine started as I thanked God for the privilege of holding this precious child, of watching him heal, of shepherding his heart.

Today I read this and wept. I cried and screamed and railed against all the injustices of this world. My preschooler crawled on my lap and wrapped his hands around my neck and we prayed together for Dani and his mama.

Today I picked a bowlful of raspberries and wondered why I am here, where fruit is ripening and falling into my arms, while others weep under trees with barren branches.

Today is a gift from the good Giver - confusing and precious, unjust and beautiful, full of grief and bursting with joy.

eye contact & the tickle game

2011-07-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

We have been working on eye contact as a way to foster connection and bonding. Z hasn't had any issues with eye contact per se, but the way I see it we have two years of eye contact to catch up on so it's always good to work on it!

Here is a little tickle game we played today that turned out to be a great way to lock eyes with each other. We sat face to face with Z on my lap, then I climbed my fingers up his belly or legs making a little sing-song noise of anticipation. He would watch my fingers, but then I would pause and wait for him to look up at me. When he looked up I would tickle him like crazy and he would giggle and hold the eye contact for several seconds. It was way too much fun for both of us! Enough explaining, see for yourself (ignore the 6 year old reading loudly in the background):

round trip

2011-06-28T15:31:00.001-07:00

Our family just returned from 9 lovely days in West Michigan with family. We swam in Lake Michigan, attended a family wedding, and made many memories with grandparents, auntie, uncle, and our boys' very first girl cousin. It was a wonderful week!

This trek was significant for Z, not only because he was meeting many family members for the first time, but also because it was his first ever round-trip. He has left home so many times, but this is the first time he has ever come back. This thought was never far from my mind as I watched him throughout the week, observing how he reacted to new people, new environments, and new experiences. For the most part, he did amazingly well. He took cues from his brothers and warmed up quickly to his grandparents and other family members, he explored the new surroundings with excitement, and enjoyed many fun 'firsts'.

But about halfway through the week there was a subtle shift. Behaviors re-emerged. He seemed moodier and more touchy. And, most significantly, he started asking about people back home. In the middle of playing he would look up at me with big questioning eyes: Papa? Nana? Yes sweetie, we will see them in a few days. This seemed acceptable for the moment and he would go back to his toys. A few hours later: Joooey? No-Nos? Yep, we will see your cousins soon.

On the one hand, I was thrilled to see evidence of the strong connections he has built with his Nana and Papa and cousins. They are special to him, and he missed them while we were gone. At the same time, I couldn't help thinking about all the other people he has left behind in his life... He missed them too, and probably misses them still, but doesn't have a framework for talking about those losses yet. I don't know how that will change as he grows and matures, but as his mom I pray I will be sensitive enough to provide space for him to feel and acknowledge and grieve for those people whenever he needs to do so.

On a positive note, I am hoping that this experience of returning after being away will deepen his understanding of home as a permanent place, a safe place, a place of comfort and familiarity. Thankfully the series of one-way tickets which characterized his first two years of life is finished, and no matter how often he leaves home from now on he can always come back.

the many faces of

2011-06-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days, but putting these pictures together made me smile and feel a little less crazy. Oh, can this boy make a face.

what i didn't know to ask

2011-06-08T15:09:00.001-07:00

I have to admit something that may surprise those of you who know us: When we started the adoption process, we did not really do our homework. We did not research a million agencies and ask tons of questions. We did not spend hours online figuring out which path to take. Now typically I'm not big on the whole "just follow God and he'll figure everything out" mentality, because I think God gave us brains for a reason and he wants us to use them. But sometimes God says "go" and you don't figure anything out -- you just go. That's how our adoption journey got started.

Two years and one sweet two-year-old later, we have learned some things. These are not necessarily things I wish I would have known, because as it turns out we didn't need to know them. But they are things that I now think it is important for prospective adoptive parents to know as they go about choosing an agency. So here you have it -- 14 questions I think prospective international adoptive parents should be asking agencies:

1. What is the mission statement / expressed purpose of your organization?

2. Are you Hague-accredited? If so, have you ever been denied or lost your Hague-accreditation?

3. What is the salary of your director? (This sounds awkward to ask, but hey - lots of companies have to publish those numbers anyway and personally I think it says a lot about the organizations priorities. Keep in mind that the director's job is HARD and they deserve to get paid a fair market wage for what they do, like anyone else.)

4. What kind of support do you offer post-placement?

5. What is the relationship between the stateside agency staff and the in-country staff? Specifically, how exactly does the agency oversee how each child's paperwork is processed in-country? How does the agency ensure 100% integrity in this process?

6. How do you communicate with families at each stage of the process?

7. What is your policy on out-of-birth-order adoptions?

8. Does your agency facilitate continued contact with birth families post-placement?

9. Does your agency support family preservation (i.e. trying to prevent a child from needing to be placed for adoption by providing support to the birth family) and reunification (reuniting a child with his/her birth family after they were placed in an orphanage if the parents wish to reclaim the child) whenever possible? How do they do this?

10. Does your agency do any humanitarian work (besides operating orphanages) in the countries where they operate?

11. Has your agency ever been disciplined for unethical practices by the governments of any of the countries in which they operate?

12. When was your last disrupted adoption and what were the circumstances?

13. What would happen if a child's adoption was finalized in their country of origin, but they were denied a visa to come the US?

14. Are your in-country agency representatives ever asked for bribes in order for government paperwork to be completed? If so, how is this handled?

I want to reiterate that, by and large, we did not have to learn the importance of the answers to these questions the hard way -- our agency was amazing, I am constantly blown away by the way they serve the people of Ethiopia, and I believe that our process was handled ethically from top to bottom. I kept thinking throughout the whole thing, "Man, were we naive... but thank God we are with YWAM!"

To read more about YWAM programs to support pregnant women in need, family preservation, and local Ethiopian adoptions, click here and here.

To read more about their continued contact with birth families, click here.

To read about their humanitarian work, click here or here.

To read more about how they oversee their in-country staff, click here.

I could post a thousand more links, but if you want to know more just poke around their blog and website for yourself. :)

cast off

2011-06-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

Z finally got his cast off yesterday! After 8 weeks of sponge baths and plastic bag solutions during muddy park and beach outings, he is finally free. We celebrated by introducing him to what will be his second home this summer: the pool!

Z is a water fanatic and loved every second!

I haven't written much about Z's club foot treatment, mostly because it hasn't really been a big deal. But since many people don't really know what club foot is (I didn't either before we got our referral), I'll give a brief explanation of the condition and its treatment. This is based on my observations and experience, not on medical science -- I wouldn't go writing your physiology term paper from it or anything, but hopefully it will be helpful to those who are unfamiliar.

Club foot is a fairly common birth defect that can affect one or both feet. It doesn't run in families and it is more common in developing countries, but does occur in babies born all over the world. The foot is not deformed or missing any critical parts (as I once assumed), but is simply oriented incorrectly due to shortened tendons and ligaments. A club foot typically points inward and downward and has an extremely high arch. If untreated, this condition makes walking very difficult, and basically impossible when it affects both feet.

In most cases (including Z's), club foot is 100% correctable. In fact, there are many professional and Olympic athletes who were born with club foot! The most common treatment method is called the Ponsetti Method, which involves using serial casting to gradually stretch and reposition the foot. For Z, they put a cast on his foot and lower leg, took it off each week to see the progress, then applied a new cast in a slightly adjusted position. It took 8 weeks and 6 casts to stretch his foot to a normal position. Now he will wear an orthotic brace under his shoe for a few more months to keep the foot in place, as well as "Ponsetti Shoes" at night for a year or two. The Ponsetti shoes are shoes that are connected by a metal brace, which keep his feet oriented correctly while he sleeps (think: skinny snowboard that you wear to bed). He may need a small surgery on one of his tendons at some point, but I'm hoping we can avoid that.

Though I'm glad Z is done with casts and I won't miss the drive up to Children's, dealing with this has honestly been easier than I thought it would be. 'Minor correctable special needs' might sound a bit daunting on an adoption form, but in real life (at least for us) I am happy to report that it has been no big deal.

So, you might be wondering how Z is doing with his new orthotic brace and sleeping snowboard... Unnervingly well. The orthotic is really minor and he's totally fine with it, but I was worried about how he'd do with the shoes at night. If at age two N or D had suddenly had to sleep with their feet in weird connected shoes, I can tell you right now they would have freaked out. Not Z. All the way through the doctor visit when we tried them on, as well as in the evening while I did his whole bedtime routine and up until he fell asleep, Z basically ignored the fact that he was strapped into a strange contraption. Didn't so much as touch it or look at it, just completely took it in stride. Which is nice... and tragic. There was a line in the book Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child that absolutely jumped off the page at me, spoken by a 9 year old girl who was adopted at age 3 about her adoption day: "That's when I learned that anything can happen." What does it say about my son's life that he doesn't even seem to care or notice something like this? Weird new things are the status quo for him. Sigh. Of course resilience is a great thing, I just wish he hadn't had to go through so much to get it.

sleeping with his snowboard

epic post-placement post: 3 months

2011-05-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

This is a follow-up to a post I wrote a couple of months ago, when Z had been home just 2 weeks. Last Saturday marked three months since we stepped off the plane and became a family of 5, so I thought it would be a good time to look back and see how things have changed since then.

I'll try to cover many of the same categories as in my first post, with a few changes and additions. Grab a cup of coffee and get comfortable -- it's not called 'epic' for nothing!

Eating
For the most part we have stuck to the original boundaries we set and this has served us well. We hit a rough patch when Z figured out how emotionally invested I was in his eating habits. He is a smart little cookie and he realized that it really upset me when he didn't eat very much, so he decided to use this to his advantage. He started exhibiting lots of controlling behavior at mealtimes, and I would often acquiesce in the name of getting him to eat more. It took me awhile to realize this was happening, and to figure out why. I had this idea in my head that, since he was adopted from Ethiopia he must have a lot of catching up to do in terms of growth and therefore I should do whatever necessary to shovel heaps of food into him 3-5 times a day. Not so. He has not suffered malnutrition, he is not underweight, and he does not have catching up to do in this arena. On the contrary, he is so sure of his next meal that he is willing to totally refuse food in order to be in control and get an emotional reaction from mom. Yikes! When I realized this, I implemented a bit of 'mealtime boot camp' which basically meant FIRMLY holding to the established boundaries even if it meant he didn't eat a single bite. It also meant keeping my cool and remembering that missing one meal was a small price to pay in order to lovingly teach Z how to eat meals in our family. It is so important to me to be able to sit down to a pleasant meal together as a family, and it has been well worth it to take the time to teach Z how to be part of that with us. Now that we have worked through a lot of the control issues at mealtime, I have learned that Z loves to eat, is not picky at all, and is perfectly capable of eating a nice meal with his family at the table. He still has days where he puts up a fight, but it is much easier to handle now. Side note: watching Z eat Ethiopian food is one of my favorite things in the world! He has the technique down perfectly - he grabs a piece of injera and digs right in with a characteristically Ethiopian flick of the wrist. I love it!

Sleeping
We have made huge strides together in this area. For the first several weeks, either J or I stayed in the room with Z until he was fully asleep. Eventually we realized that although he definitely wanted us in the room, he was keeping himself awake longer to make sure we hadn't left, so our presence was actually depriving him of rest. I was torn because I knew he would cry if we left the room and I didn't feel ready for that. Thank goodness for J -- I was out for the evening with friends so he took the opportunity to try leaving the room before Z was asleep... and he only cried for 3 minutes! From that point on we were able to do our pre-bed routine (bottle, prayers, songs, & cuddles) and then leave, and Z falls asleep on his own. He still cries sometimes, or hollers for us, or talks and sings to himself, or takes of his socks and plays with them, but we don't go back in the room and eventually he falls asleep. Once he is asleep he usually sleeps well for 11-12 hours and takes a 2 hour nap. He wakes up and wants to be comforted in the middle of the night on occasion, but is easily calmed down and falls back asleep quickly.

Behavior
Z is two. Oh boy, is he ever TWO! And by that I mean that he is fun and energetic and curious, and yes, challenging. He has turned out to have a very sweet disposition and is generally happy and quick to laugh. He is also convinced that he knows best, that he should be in charge, and that his will trumps all others. And of course, because I love him, I can't let him grow up thinking those things are true! So every day we work together to learn how to obey, how to listen, how to be flexible, how to wait, and how to be respectful of others. These are big lessons for any two-year-old, but especially a little one who has not been taught these things from the beginning. We have started using time-outs in certain circumstances, depending on what we think is motivating his behavior at the time. We also use lots of 'do-overs' (i.e. "We don't scream to get Mommy's attention. Please try that again in a nice voice."). One thing that has worked really well is to use our older boys as models of appropriate behavior. If we are working on a particular behavior, like gentle touching, it helps to have N & D model the behavior, then he will copy it and get lots of praise and reinforcement. As compared to when I wrote my previous post, we are seeing way less biting, scratching, spitting, and tantrumming. Hitting and screaming are the main things we are dealing with, but even those have decreased quite a bit. Z still throws a little fit when he doesn't get his way, but it does not escalate into a full-blown tantrum anymore. In my opinion, his behavior is now within the normal range for a two-year-old, which is all we can really ask for!

Socialization
In the first few weeks home, Z didn't leave the house much as we let him adjust to us and to the new environment. After about a month, we began taking him on short outings - the grocery store, the park, part of a church service, etc. He did so well with these outings that we were able to gradually resume most of our normal activities by about 6-8 weeks home. We have a pretty low-key lifestyle to begin with - just your basic take the kids to school, run an errand, pick up the kids from school, have a friend over, make dinner, eat dinner, go to bed type of daily life. Z took this all in stride and only rarely seemed to get over-stimulated or stressed. One example was during Holy Week, when we had him out past bedtime for church services and family events three nights in a row. He hit the wall during Easter Sunday services and needed a very quiet day or two to get back in the swing of things. But you know what? So did the whole family. :) As long as we are home for naps and bedtime every day, Z seems happy to be out and about a lot of the time. We recently went to a fellowship night for Ethiopian adoptive families -- over 50 adults and children running loose in a children's museum... and Z did great! He didn't seem overwhelmed and frequently checked in with mom and dad as he played. I honestly thought we would have to cut back on our activities a lot more than we have, but Z has surprised me and adjusted quickly and happily.

We chose not to leave Z with any other adults for the first two months that he was home. At the 2 month point we started leaving him for short periods in the church nursery, which has gone great. There are only a couple of kids with him, one of whom is his cousin, and he seems to understand that we are close by. We left him with my parents for the first time about 2 weeks ago and again, he did great. This past weekend we went out for the evening and my parents had our kids at their house, which was another big step. Though he went to sleep pretty easily for them, I wasn't quite ready to leave him overnight yet - we carried all the sleeping boys to the car and tucked them in at home - but it is nice to know that he is so comfortable with them now.

Health
Besides the one big health scare and hospitalization (read more here, here, and here), Z has been quite healthy. The giardia and scalp fungus are long-gone and he even avoided the flu bug the rest of us suffered a few weeks ago. We have been going to the orthopedic doctors at Childrens Hospital every week for the past 8 weeks for treatment of his club foot. The treatment procedure is called serial casting, which involves Z getting a new cast put on his foot every week to slowly stretch the tendons and adjust the orientation of the foot. His last cast comes off tomorrow - hooray! After that he'll wear orthotics during the day and a brace at night. Z's blood work showed that he was slightly anemic so he has been on iron drops, along with his daily multivitamin. Beyond that we have not had any health issues - he is healthy, growing, and thriving!

Communication
Adopting a toddler is so fun because they are at the perfect age to learn language. Z has been learning new words every day! Though we still use a few Amharic words, Z is picking up English quickly and now says far more words in English than in Amharic. I do think he remembers a lot of it though -- when we are around Amharic speakers he is still able to understand them. He regularly puts two and three words together, such as "Up Mommy please" or "Wow Daddy car". Tonight I even overheard him tell J, "All done brushing teeth". He still uses a few signs, but he knows so many words now that he doesn't need them much.

Brothers
Z continues to adore his brothers, and the feeling is mutual. Z and N have always been sweet together, but lately D has been showing more interest and willingness to play with Z as well. He is doing a better job of coming down to Z's level and joining him in play, or inviting him to activities that he knows Z enjoys. There are still frequent property disputes and turf battles, but overall the boys get along well and have fun together. I think having the two older boys made Z's transition quite a bit easier on both him and us. Rather than having to depend solely on me and J for all interactions, he has 2 other little people to watch and imitate, 2 other people who give him love and attention, 2 other people to play with and learn from. Watching them all give each other hugs and kisses before bed makes my heart swell with joy and gratitude!

Bonding & Connecting
Naturally in Z's first months home we have been doing lots of things to intentionally foster our bond and connection with him. We try to spend time each day doing activities like peek-a-boo, tickling, wrestling, and anything else that makes us both smile and puts us face-to-face with each other. We also spend time holding, cuddling, and rocking Z, particularly before and after naps and bedtime. We look through his life-story book together and talk about all the important people in his life before he was home with us. But the one thing that has proven most valuable in the bonding process has simply been time. Time together, both in the sense of number of weeks that he has been home, and also in the sense of committing to spend lots of quality time together every day.

I shared before my struggles with feeling a positive emotional connection to Z at first. I wanted to be overwhelmed with warm-fuzzy feelings of love for him from the get-go, and I felt guilty and sad that this didn't happen. BUT... it just took time. And now? I am wild and crazy in love with my sweet boy! As we both got used to each other and adjusted to our 'new normal', the feelings I had been waiting for slowly crept in and took root until one day I realized that my love for Z had grown from action into emotion and moved from my head into my heart. The feelings of frustration and anger still resurface sometimes, mostly in moments when I feel rejected by Z in some way, but they are few and far between these days. It helps that Z is pretty head-over-heels for his mama now too - he absolutely showers me in hugs and kisses every day and says "I love you" all the time. The other day he was singing a little made-up song with the words, "I love Mommy, I love Mommy!" It doesn't get much sweeter than that folks.

Cultural Connections
We are committed to maintaining a connection to Ethiopian culture within our family however we can. Through the preschool our kids attend we have become friends with a few Ethiopian families and enjoy getting together with them regularly. This week I took D and Z to my friend's house for a coffee ceremony and brunch. Going to her home feels like being back in Ethiopia in some ways - the smell of roasting coffee and inscense, traditional music playing in the background, women chattering back and forth in Amharic while I soak it all in and try not to be awkward or spill wat on my shirt (failure on both parts, but still fun). We have a favorite Ethiopian restaurant that we take the kids to, and of course we get together with other Ethiopian adoptive families as often as we can. I am glad that Z will have the opportunity to interact with other Ethiopian adults and children, both adopted and non. We can teach him to be a lot of things, but we can't teach him how to be Ethiopian because we're not. The best we can do is help him to make connections with others who share his heritage and can help to fill in that gap for him.

Random Other Stuff
So, this is rather embarrassing, but up until about a month ago I was under the assumption that because Z was a boy I didn't have to pay any attention to his hair. I didn't even know that you are not supposed to use shampoo on African hair more than once a week, if that. My poor child's hair and scalp were so dry that I actually thought his fungus had come back... nope, just a case of ignorance on the part of his mama! Once I realized this, I got to work trying to figure out what worked for his hair. Coconut oil has been great, and upon first usage immediately cleared up his dry scalp. I've tried a few different conditioners, lotions, and leave-in products but haven't settled on a definite favorite. There are many different types of Ethiopian hair, and Z's is on the coarse side. I don't think he is going to have soft curls like some of his little buddies, no matter what product I try. For now we are just going to keep his hair pretty short and keep learning how to manage it.

And now, your reward for slogging through this long post: pictures!

N had a pirate-themed birthday party and all three boys loved it!

Family outing to Red Robin

Curious TWO-year-old!

At the Ethiopian adoptive families fellowship night

Reading Z's life-story book

This is what happens when we don't make it home in time for naps.

Born in the same town, now live less than 2 miles apart.

Riding bikes at Papa's house.

smiles

2011-05-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

May 24 is a special day in our house. It is the day that best friends said yes to God and each other and became husband and wife. And that same day, 8 years later, we said yes to God and to a beautiful 13 month old boy and signed adoption referral paperwork.

How sweet is this little smile? It became even sweeter to me over the months while we waited, because it turned out to be The Only Smiling Picture we received of him until we met him face-to-face! Even then, it took a pretty major effort to elicit a smile from our little man... but, with lots of help from his nannies, we did it!

To this day it is not easy to get him to smile for pictures, but (as any waiting parent will confirm) a great photo is no substitute for seeing the real thing every day! Thanking God today for that privilege and blessing... and continuing to pray for those who wait.

thank you

2011-05-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

When people talk about adoption, the conversation naturally tends to revolve around children. But guess what? Children grow up. That is why I am so very thankful for the adult adoptees in my life, some of whom I hang out with in real life and others whose stories and experiences I regularly read on their blogs. To those of you who fall into that category...

Thank you for baring your souls for the sake of the next generation.

Thank you for helping me see the world through my son's eyes.

Thank you for helping me understand that it is possible for a person to love their family and yet still struggle with their story and identity.

Thank you for showing me how to be thoughtful and careful in the words I choose to talk about adoption and the issues surrounding it.

Thank you for opening my eyes to the many sides of adoption.

Thank you for teaching me the importance of my son's country, culture, and family of origin.

Thank you for sharing your true experiences - good, bad, and ugly - even when people didn't want to hear it, made snap judgments, and told you to 'just get over it.' You are brave, and I am thankful.

grace

2011-05-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

Homemade Whoopie Pies: Batch 1 (left) and Batch 2 (right)

I am a perfectionist. I want to do everything the right way the first time.

I also love taking risks and trying things I've never done.

Don't you love the way that God specifically wires us such that we would be a big huge mess without him? It ~~drives me crazy~~ cracks me up that he made me a risk-taking perfectionist. Not a bad way to teach a girl to rely on grace alone I suppose.

The risk-taker in me has reveled in our adoption process. The perfectionist has pouted. I love this new adventure, but I also really want a computer program where I input some variables (child's age, # of days home, situation in question), and it spits out the right answer. But there is no right way to do this, and even if there was I am pretty sure I couldn't do it on my first try. All I can do is commit each day to listening, learning, and living under the grace of God.

In practical terms, this looks like letting someone else (my dad, who Z is crazy about) put Z to bed for the first time so that J and I can go on a long overdue date... even though I wasn't absolutely positive it was exactly the right time. I didn't want to do it wrong! But I needed to do it anyway. And guess what? Z did great. So great, in fact, that when J and I came home to a quiet house at 8 PM, my dad sent us back out to get dessert.

It looks like admitting to myself that I am going to mess up daily, so that I don't have to waste time wallowing in despair when (not if) it happens. Instead of saying mentally berating myself, I can just shrug it off, learn from it, and hope to do better next time. It also helps to know that God's grace isn't just for me - its also for my kids. I will fail, but he won't. Though it is my God-given role to love and nurture them, they are his children before they are mine and he loves them even more than I do. And for that, this crazy perfectionist risk-taking mama is very grateful.

softer

2011-05-10T20:20:00.001-07:00

Z and Miss Joy

"Ohhh he looks so good. His face has changed somehow, it looks better -- like he has more of a 'little boy' look now, more peaceful. In the orphanage he always seemed a little-"

[me, interrupting.] "Anxious?"

"Yeah, like he wasn't quite at ease. But now his face just looks-"

[me, interrupting again - bad habit.] "Softer?"

"Yes, that's it exactly. Like he's softened."

---

This was a conversation I had last week with one of my Very Favorite People on Earth, the director of our agency. Miss Joy, as my kiddos call her, spent time with Z in Ethiopia at least half a dozen times before we brought him home. She is the only person who knew him then and still sees him now, which gives her a unique perspective on how he has grown and changed. Needless to say, receiving those words from her was a precious gift to me!

I went back and looked at pictures today and immediately saw what Joy was seeing. The most interesting photos for me were the ones from our first days together in Ethiopia. At the time I thought he was doing great (and honestly he was, especially compared to my expectations), but now that I know him a little better I can spot the fear and anxiety in his face. He still gets that look from time to time, but (thank God) it is not his default expression anymore. I've known from his behavior and attitude that he was feeling more comfortable and safe, but to actually see it in his face? What a beautiful blessing.

day one

day forty-seven

mama's boys

2011-05-08T08:01:00.001-07:00

To all you mamas out there, Happy Mother's Day! I hope you were as spoiled and blessed today as I was by my boys.

It is great fun to have a child who is learning to write. Here are a few words my sweet 5 year old shared with me today:

Today was a lovely day for me... but I can't help thinking about those for whom this is a painful day. Women who pray and long and wait to become mothers. Women who have given birth to children but been unable to mother them. Daughters and sons who have lost their mothers. We can shrug it off and call it a 'hallmark holiday' (which it is), but it doesn't ease the pain for many who feel their losses more keenly on a day like today. If that is you... know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today.

---

To end this post on a lighter note, check out Z's very first school picture! We attend a once a week Mommy & Me class at the local preschool and even though the kids are only at school about an hour a week they still got to have their pictures taken. I don't know if it is the mini afro (Mama is still figuring out his hair, poor guy) or the retro shirt, but doesn't this look straight out of 1975? I love it!

ewedehalo

2011-04-30T20:21:00.001-07:00

The first week Z was home we both cried a lot. Besides jetlag and exhaustion, one frequent source of my tears was the awkwardness and pain of loving a child who didn't yet love me back. While giving Z his nightly bottle I would pause my singing to whisper to him in Amharic and English, "Ewedehalo, Mommy loves you." My affections were met with scowls and screeches, which would escalate into a full-blown tantrum if I kept it up. So I'd pick up the song where I left off, warm tears sliding down my cheeks and dropping onto his coarse brown curls.

Eventually I stuck to singing at bedtime and saved my "I love yous" for other times. Soon enough he warmed up to the phrase and within a few weeks he was saying it back to us and his brothers. Tears again, but happy ones this time.

Tonight as I sang to him, I realized that although Z had learned to say "I love you" in English, I hadn't tried saying it to him in Amharic since those first couple of weeks. I stopped singing, bent close to him and whispered it, Ewedehalo. He looked up at me, but didn't scowl or whine. I said it again. Ewedehalo. A smile slowly crept across his face. Ewedehalo. He was grinning. Ewedehalo. Happily nodding, giggling, looking right into my eyes. Ewedehalo. Ewedehalo. Ewedehalo. Over and over and over I said it to him, making up for the lost days and weeks and months. Rivers of tears spilled down and prayers of joyful thanksgiving rose up, praising the God who loved us first so that we could love each other. Ewedehalo, my sweet boy.

Z & me signing "I love you," this was the night he said it for the first time.

surfing

2011-04-27T14:43:00.000-07:00

N & Mommy

J charging a wave

Before we had kids we loved to go surfing together. We lived in LA and we'd go as often as we could, to the local beach before work or down to Orange County on the weekend. Surfing is one of those things that is really fun once you get the hang of it, but pretty brutal in the meantime. There's a steep learning curve, and you're gonna go 'over the falls' (surfer lingo for getting tossed upside down in a wave) a few times. But the feeling you get when you find your footing and cruise down the face of a wave for the first time... it's indescribable, and makes every lungful of saltwater worth it.

We are learning to surf again. Not in the break at Redondo Beach, but on the unpredictable and exhilarating waves of life with a newly-adopted toddler. The number one rule of surfing is always respect the ocean. Don't turn your back on it, don't get complacent, don't think you know what's coming next. The ocean we must respect these days is our son's healing heart. Though we are novices in these waters and have gone over the falls a few times, we are starting to get our bearings. Here are a few strategies that have helped me catch some waves this week...

Movement
When Z is in a funk, or mad at me for imposing a limit on him (I don't let him play with knives, I am so mean!), it can be very hard to bring him out of the bad mood. One thing that works almost without fail is playful movement - especially the kind of movement that activates the vestibular and proprioceptive senses. Tossing him in the air, rolling him in a blanket like a burrito, swinging him backwards and forwards between my legs, flipping him upside down, spinning him around, are all ways to do this and he loves them all. A few minutes of these activities and he will go from scowling and throwing stuff at me to giggling and smiling into my eyes! There are some moods that are immune even to this, but 9 times out of 10 it does the trick.

Pretend & Role Play
Another strategy that has helped me connect with Z in the tough moments is using stuffed toys as a sort of 'intermediary' between us to help bridge the gap. He gets mad at me (or maybe just mad). I don't like it, but I am learning to accept it as a normal part of our journey together. When he is mad, he won't make eye contact, he won't give or accept affection, he won't engage with me in play or respond when I talk to him (unless you count angry grunts or screams, which I don't). Using a stuffed animal has helped us to reconnect in a few ways. I can use the stuffed animal to model appropriate behavior to Z (i.e. giving and receiving affection, gentle touch, interactive play). I can also allow Z to interact with me through the toy -- even when he is unwilling to interact with me directly, he will often still indirectly engage with me by making the animal give me kisses or play with me. I can then slowly transition from interacting with the toy to interacting with him as he is ready and comfortable.

That's all I have time for today -- my little surfer dudes are up from their naps and the waves are rolling in... surf's up!

building continuity: the three-photo story

2011-04-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

Since we got home with Z (8 weeks on Monday!) I have been slowly working my way through the book "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen. So far I have found it to be a hugely helpful resource and I highly recommend it to other adoptive and soon-to-be-adoptive families.

One of the suggestions we have implemented from the book is called a Three-Photo Story. In the course of her work with international adoptees, Cogen found that developing an integrated sense of self was often a challenge for them. The instability of their early lives sometimes caused children to remain in an alert state even years after their adoption, wondering when the next transition would happen and they would lose everything all over again. The Three-Photo Story is a way to help children establish a coherent time-line of their lives and make sense of what has happened to them, fostering a sense of security and self-confidence.

So, what is a Three-Photo Story? I'm glad you asked! It is three pictures printed on the same sheet side-by-side. Picture 1 is the earliest picture you have of your child, or a picture with his or her first caregiver. Picture 2 is of your child's transition from his or her most recent caregiver into your care (i.e. a photo of you, your spouse, your child, and the caregiver on the day you took custody of your child). Picture 3 is of your child with his whole adoptive family.

We put this together for Z about a month ago, printed up lots of copies, and stashed them in some of his usual haunts (his toy basket, his bookshelf, the coffee table, etc). It has been so interesting to watch his reactions to the pictures over the last month. The first time he saw it, he kissed everyone in the pictures. The first time he said his own name was while looking at it. He can now point to each person and correctly label them. Sometimes he crumples it up and throws it away. Sometimes he asks for it and carries it around the house with him. Sometimes he'll sit on my lap and let me tell him his story while I point to the pictures. Sometimes I show it to him and he pushes it away.

All of these reactions gives us glimpses into how Z is processing the events of his own life. We plan to keep them around for many years, updating Picture 3 as needed. Hopefully they will provide a touch-point for him as he continues to process and grows into the person God made him to be.

good company

2011-04-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've said this before, but it bears repeating: one of the best surprises of this adoption process has been the amazing people we have met along the way. I love knowing that Z will grow up with many other boys and girls who will share his experience of being an Ethiopian adoptee, and we certainly benefit from connecting with other adoptive parents.

One of these precious families just recently returned home from their first trip, where they attended a court hearing and were officially named as the PARENTS of an absolutely gorgeous little girl. We are so thrilled for them! Last night we brought dinner over to their house and shared stories as our children played together. There are 4 boys between our two families -- can't wait to see a girl in the mix soon!

Z and C are the same age and up to all the same tricks!

Don't mind Nathan's tiny chair...

And as if I didn't love her enough already, this morning Melissa's blog post absolutely blew me away. Click here to read a well-written, well-thought-out, and just plain awesome post that summarizes her new-found perspective on Ethiopian adoption. It makes me want to poke the person next to me and say, "Hey, I know her!" So thankful God has given us such great companions on this road.

it's good for bonding! unless it's not.

2011-04-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

As we approach the two-month mark with our sweet boy, I am taking a moment to reflect on what we have learned together. We have learned way more than I have time to blog about right now, but I'll share one quick thing that might be helpful to those on the road with us...

Of course the big focus in this first season is bonding and connecting with Z. In addition to our training and educational home study visits, we also read lots of books, blogs, and articles about connecting with a newly-adopted child. All of this has proved to be immensely helpful to us, and I think the bonding process is going great - better than I would have hoped or expected, in fact. But here's what I'm learning: activities that are supposed to promote bonding are not "one-size-fits-all." Some of them just plain don't work for us, and forcing my child (and myself) to do them doesn't do us any good.

Here's an example. Knowing that mealtime = bonding time, I often chose foods for Z that a) I knew he liked (which meant not always what the rest of the family was eating), and b) I could feed to him. According to adoption literature, feeding by hand helps create a sense of dependence and trust between parent and child, and helps them understand that the parent is the source of food and nourishment, as well as comfort and pleasure. Sounds good! Except sometimes it wasn't. Z did let me feed him sometimes, but other times would refuse to take a single bite from me. More often than not, this led to his meals ending prematurely because he would get madder and madder and eventually escalate into throwing, screaming, etc. Not exactly bonding. I was getting pretty frustrated until we had a breakthrough at breakfast the other day. Before I had gotten him any food he signed "cereal" and pointed to his brothers, who were both eating cereal and milk. I gave him exactly what they had, and decided to let him try eating it with a spoon. He grinned at me, as if to say, "Now you're getting it Mom!" He needed lots of help getting the cereal on the spoon, so I helped him with each bite and gave him a high five every time he got the spoon and cereal to his mouth without dropping it. Not only did he eat tons of cereal, he made lots of eye contact and let me help him throughout the meal -- we were connecting with each other the whole time. I also think it made him feel more like a part of the family to eat the same thing as his brothers. If I had rigidly stuck to my plan of feeding by hand, I'm not sure he would have eaten a single bite of breakfast and I know we wouldn't have had such special moments of connection together.

I am a by-the-book person. Flexibility is not my strong suit. But Z is helping me learn that my job is not to do everything the book says to do: my job is to be the best mom for him. That means listening, observing, being sensitive, and using his cues to help me discern what is best for him in any given situation. Sometimes it means laying down the law and sticking to my guns. Sometimes it means laying down my pride and letting something go when it's not working. Here's hoping I can figure out which is which!

[P.S. Since that breakfast, I have been giving Z exactly what everyone else eats and letting him eat it with utensils and lots of help from me. He is eating way more than before and we are all happier at mealtime!]

two!

2011-04-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Z is two today! We couldn't be happier to have him home for this special day.

He's rockin' a sweet new blue cast for the occasion.

We celebrated with a few family members tonight and he had a blast blowing out the candles over and over as quickly as I could light them. Too funny - I am thinking he has seen candles before (lots of power outages in Ethiopia)!

Happy birthday sweet boy!

6 week check-up

2011-04-11T20:47:00.001-07:00

Six weeks ago today we stepped off a plane and became a family of five.

If I had given birth six weeks ago, today is the day when I would have gone into the doctor for the postpartum check up. Which means that today is the day when we could resume... ahem, certain activities that would potentially lead to another bundle of joy. So... in adoption terms, does that mean today is the day we can resume activities that would lead to another Ethiopian kiddo??

Just asking...

playing outside today

no substitution

2011-04-09T13:38:00.001-07:00

We are so, so thankful every day for the amazing care that Z received before he came to us. He was well-fed, he was cleaned, he was held, he was spoken to, he was seen by a doctor regularly: he was in great hands. I think it is safe to say that, in terms of orphanage care, Z's was just about as good as it gets.

And yet, now that he is settling into his new life with us, it is so abundantly clear that there is absolutely no substitution for family. Watching him giggle as his brothers bury him in pillows, seeing his face light up when I come in the room after naptime, hearing his language and communication explode, feeling his little heart begin to trust us and let down his guard... all of these little moments knit us together and impress upon me the undeniable truth: children belong in families.

It's not that I doubted this fact before, but now I know know, you know? No matter how loving the staff, no matter how well-appointed the facility, no matter how consistent the care... an institution simply cannot replace a family. Period.

There is a lot of rhetoric out there about international adoption [understatement of the year]. Some people believe that children should be kept in their countries of origin at (almost) any cost. On an intellectual level, I understand the concept that children who have already lost their biological families should not have to lose their culture, language, and people group too. On a practical level, however, it breaks down. Institutionalization itself often strips children of the culture and even language of their birth families before adoption enters the equation. But far more importantly, regardless of culture, race, or language, children thrive in families. I know because I am watching it happen, and it is amazing.

Disclaimers:

1. That last paragraph is a few muddled sentences on a subject that deserves a big thick text book. Forgive me.

2. Of course the best thing for children is that they don't ever find themselves in the tragic circumstances that typically precede institutionalization and/or adoption. We have to keep working for that first, which is why I love love LOVE our agency, YWAM Ethiopia.

3. I am not at all saying that race, culture, language, etc don't matter -- they DO. I think it is critical that adoptive families find ways to authentically incorporate these elements into our family life as part of helping our children form an integrated self-concept and identity. That being said, culture - especially within an institution - is no substitute for family.

in which i cry over spilled medicine

2011-04-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a major mama melt-down. It was over the smallest thing (isn't it always?), but my reaction was so dizzyingly disproportionate that I was forced to stop and think about where all the tears and frustration were really coming from.

The trigger event was giving Z one of his two twice-daily meds. One of the meds is easy, one is hard. Giving him the harder one can sometimes require pinning his arms over his head, plugging his nose, squirting the medicine into his mouth and squeezing his lips closed until he swallows. Yes, good times. And this morning I was not quick enough with the lip-squeezing and he managed to spit out a whole dose before I could stop him.

This has happened before and it is really not a big deal. We wipe it up, we give him a break, we try again later. But for whatever reason, today it just broke me down. I hate it -- I hate restraining him and giving him something he doesn't want, which of course is natural and understandable. But the raw power of the emotions I was feeling told me there was more going on. Why did such a small thing make me feel so shattered?

It took me a few minutes, but then the pieces of the puzzle slid into place and I understood. It wasn't about the medicine. It was about adoption and trauma and fear and me and my son. Holding his arms, knowing he doesn't understand, forcing something on him that he doesn't want but unarguably needs... it is all too familiar. Z doesn't understand his adoption and the events that led up to it any more than he understands why he needs to take medicine. He does not think to himself, "Well sure, this is difficult now, but it will be best in the long run." All he knows is that something decidedly unpleasant is happening and I'm the one making it happen. When he spit out that medicine, it uncovered my deepest fear as an adoptive parent: that despite my good intentions and love for him, he will reject me, reject his adoption, spit us out like bad-tasting medicine. And now at least the torrent of tears makes sense.

This fear is real and it is normal, but it is not based on truth. The truth is that, although there may have been and may continue to be parts of Z's adoption that he experiences as traumatic, it is mostly not trauma. Right now it is mostly tickles and warm milk and peek-a-boo. Right now we are seeing signs left and right that he is not rejecting us, but falling in love with us and with his new life. He is soaking up the love and affection and devotion of his mom and dad and brothers like a happy little sponge. Yes, there is trauma and loss, and it is critical to his development that we acknowledge that and help him process it. But ultimately we are not holding down his arms and plugging his nose, and thanks be to God, he is most definitely not spitting us out.

the bright side

2011-03-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

before surgery

looking way better just a few hours after surgery

home and happy

We are home! Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord. Ohhhh, it is so good to be back with my husband, my kids, my bed, my fridge, and my TV. (Yeah, priorities.

I am not going to sugar-coat the utter awfulness of the last 5 days. Being in the hospital with your newly-adopted toddler, watching him suffer, holding him down so strangers can poke him with needles, hearing his terrified screams from the post-op recovery room - UGH, it was horrible. If eating and sleeping were challenging for us at home, they were 10x harder in our unfamiliar hospital room with beeping machines and a steady stream of strangers coming in and out at all hours. To top it all off I had some wretched flu/cold bug the whole time, starting with a fever the whole first day and rounding out the weekend with a hefty dose of steroids to get my lungs working again.

BUT.

As awful as it was, there is always something to be thankful for. In the dark moments, God gave me little reminders of all the ways that his goodness and faithfulness and blessings were still with us.

First of all, we were together - me and my son. I may have had to hld him down for needle pokes, but I was holding him down. I grieve over the hard moments of his life that happened before he came to us, and I wish the hard moments were all in the past, but they're not. The difference is that from now on I will always be there. That is a privilege I thank God for.

On top of me being with him, thank God he was with me here! If this had happened in Ethiopia I am not sure what the result would have been, but I can absolutely guarantee that he was far better off here. And thank God it did not happen while we were in Ethiopia with him -- if I was miserable being stuck in a beautiful, clean, American hospital I can't imagine how my wimpy whiny self would have fared at a hospital there!

I never thought I would be thankful for the 9 day hospital stay I experienced with D when he was almost exactly Z's age... but I am! Having been through a very similar experience with D was helpful on a number of levels. First of all, knowing a few tricks to keep a toddler busy but safe in a hospital room was nice. Being familiar with the schedules, routines, and protocols of a hospital was good too, though it didn't keep me from being thoroughly peeved every time a nurse or doctor disturbed Z's hard-won sleep. But the biggest benefit to having gone through this before is that it gave me perspective on Z's behavior. The question every new adoptive parent agonizes over is, "Is this behavior related to adoption, or is this just part of being (age)?" Having gone through a similar experience with a biological child of the same age gave me the opportunity to compare and realize that much of Z's behavior was textbook typical for a hospitalized toddler, adopted or not. Thank God!

I had a realization while talking to one of Z's doctors. She was explaining to me that the infection which led to the abscess was a staph infection. Staph is a very common skin bacteria, and these types of infections can happen to anyone... which means that this whole thing had nothing to do with his recent adoption and could just as easily have happened to N, or D, or me for that matter. Which made me think, thank God it was Z!! I know that sounds terrible, but if it had happened to any of the rest of us then I would have most likely had to spend 5 days away from Z rather than 5 days with him 24-7. We spent way more time interacting one-on-one and playing together in the hospital than we even can at home, because there was literally nothing else to do. I'm hoping all that face time balances out the trauma, at least in terms of bonding.

So there you have it. Sucky? Yes. A total loss? Nothing ever is, thank God.

update

2011-03-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your prayers. Here is an update on how things are going...

This morning Z had a CT scan, which revealed an abscess near his lymph node. He went directly from the CT scan into the operating room where the abscess was surgically drained. The improvement in his condition has been significant since then -- his face almost looks normal again! My beautiful boy is back and I am one thankful mama.

Now the plan is to stay in the hospital at least until tomorrow afternoon as he heals from the surgery and gets more IV antibiotics. If he is continuing to do well over the next 24 hours we will be headed home! We'll continue a 2 week course of antibiotics and hopefully that will be the end of it.

The abscess was most likely caused by bacteria getting into his lymph node, which must have already been swollen from fighting a virus. The bacteria caused an infection in his lymph node and surrounding area, which then led to the abcess. I feel like this is the weirdest thing I've ever heard of, but the doctors tell me it is not an unusual occurence in toddlers. They will run tests on the stuff they drained which will tell us whether the bacteria is "typical" (which means he probably got it here) or "strange" (which probably means he brought it from Ethiopia). That will certainly be interesting to find out.

Anyway, we are all doing much better than we have been for the past few days and we very much appreciate your prayers. Hopefully my next post will be written from home!

please pray

2011-03-26T13:59:00.001-07:00

Oh man, what a rough few days we have had... On Thursday morning I got Z out of bed and found that the right side of his face was swollen and he was running a fever. We went to the international adoption specialist pediatrician, who sent us over to Children's Hospital, where we have been ever since.

On Thursday afternoon he was admitted to Children's and began receiving IV antibiotics. By Friday the swelling had spread to his neck and up around his eye and only steady doses of T.ylenol and M.otrin would keep his fever at bay. Today not much is different, although thankfully it does not seem to be getting worse.

The doctors do not know what is causing the swelling, and it does not seem to be responding to the antibiotics. They are running a few tests, and plan to do a CT scan in the morning if he doesn't make drastic improvements overnight.

Do I need to tell you how scary and downright awful this has been? Here is a kid who was just on the verge of settling into his new home, beginning to trust the strange pale folks who take care of him, starting to get the hang of his new life, and now he is thrust into this terrifying situation. Oh, my heart is breaking for him.

All I can do is take a deep breath, keep praying, and trust that God will bring us all through this. And when he does, all the glory will be his. This weak servant is resting with all her weight on the only one who saves, who redeems, who sustains and blesses his people as they trust in him. Please pray with us...

beach outing

2011-03-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

We haven't been taking Z out of the house a whole lot, but when we woke up this morning and saw the beautiful sunshine we knew it was time to introduce him to one of our favorite family hang-outs: the beach at Nana & Papa's house.

Despite his facial expression in this picture, he really wasn't scared -- in fact I had to stop him from just walking right into the water!

He was welcomed into the rock-throwing club.

N is such a great big brother.

He took a header... and thankfully recovered quickly.

We checked out the scuba divers down the beach.

Daddy went paddle boarding.

Big D being himself.

Uncle T & Daddy on the paddle boards.

Good thing he has excellent balance! Brrrr.

-----

Oh, and remember the hard stuff I wrote about in my last post? Here are two tidbits from today that tell me it's getting better:

1. Z let me rock him all the way to sleep for his nap.

2. Even though I could have transferred him to his crib right away when he fell asleep (once he is out, he is OUT), I didn't want to. I sat in the rocker and stared at his perfectly peaceful face, leaned my cheek on his forehead, felt the warm weight of his little body resting against me... and gave thanks to God for this incredible blessing.

Folks, I think that might even go in the category of 'warm fuzzy'. Hallelujah!

epic (read: boring) post-placement post

2011-03-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

In the months before we brought Zeke home I spent hours and hours imagining what it would be like when he was finally here. It was so hard to picture, because I knew there was such a wide range of possibilities and a large number of factors that could determine what life would be like after he came home. Well, here we are two weeks later and I can say that it has somehow been exactly what I expected, not at all what I expected, harder than what I expected, and easier than I expected all at once.

For the sake of any readers out there who are waiting to bring children home and wondering what it will be like, I want to give you a window into what these first days and weeks have held for us. Of course this just represents one dot on a big spectrum, and your experience may (and most likely will) end up being completely different than ours. But I think I would have liked reading the specific and detailed experiences of families who went before us, so maybe a few of you out there would too.

To the rest of you, feel free to skip what will probably be a long and boring post and just enjoy these cute photos:

I'll break this down into categories for easier browsing:

The Plane Ride
So much better than it could have been, thanks to Benadryl and prayer! The Benadryl helped Z sleep off-and-on for nearly 13 hours of the 16 hour flight, and I'm convinced that the prayers of many at home helped us get a seat in between us for free (we hadn't purchased a ticket for him). If you do try Benadryl, be sure to test it on your kid while you're still in-country -- some kids react by getting hyper or acting intoxicated rather than sleepy. Nothing like a drunk baby on a long flight, am I right? ;) Also, bring a medicine cup or spoon with teaspoons listed -- we forgot one and had to use one we got in Ethiopia which only had mLs so we had to guess how much to give. Oops. Having the Ergo carrier was a lifesaver during boarding, deplaning, and waiting in the Immigration line -- I have tried a few different baby carriers and this one is definitely the best, especially if your child is closer to toddler than infant. Plus it is manly enough for Dad to wear!

Eating
This was really hard when we were in-country because we had so little control over what, where, and when we all ate. It got a lot easier when we got home and could establish consistent routines and expectations. We set a few firm boundaries and we've stuck to them:

1. We only eat at the table.
2. Some foods will be fed to you by Mommy & Daddy, other foods you can eat independently.
3. No throwing food.
4. If you spit it out, it won't be offered again.
5. No crying or screaming at the table.

When #3 or #5 are broken, we take Z away from the table for a few minutes, calmly explain why, and then he uses signs or words to ask to go back to the table and we try again. Some meals we need to do this several times, other meals we have no problems. For the first few days Z would refuse all but a few foods: yogurt, Cheerios, oatmeal (sometimes), and banana. He continues to turn down much of what we offer him, but he has branched out and will eat other foods including spaghetti, bread, noodles, enchilada, as well as shiro wat & injera.

Sleeping
In Ethiopia Z went to bed without too much of a fight and usually slept 12 hours straight at night without waking. At home? Not so much. The first week he was waking a few times a night for various reasons -- he was teething, he was in a strange place, he was jet-lagged and off-schedule. He has slept through the night a few times, but it is still not the norm yet. When he wakes at night we go into his room and comfort him, hold him, sing to him, change his diaper if needed, and stay with him until he goes back to sleep.

The toughest part has been just getting him to fall asleep in the first place, whether for a nap or bedtime. The bright side is that he wants me with him and cries if I try to leave the room, which means he finds my presence comforting (yay!) and has learned that adults respond to crying (another yay!)... However. It takes him anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours to finally fall fully asleep to the point where I can leave the room. When you add in night wakings, there are days when I have spent up to 4 or 5 hours just trying to get him to sleep. Earlier this week I began to think to myself... Hmmm, I may be getting played here. Yes, I want to teach him that I am here for him and will give him comfort when he needs it. But when he asks to be held, then put in his crib, then held 5 minutes later, then put back in his crib, then held again and so on and so on for hours I am pretty sure the message I am sending is not "I will comfort you when you need it", but rather "I am your slave and will do whatever you want at bedtime."

So as of yesterday I am trying a new strategy wherein I hold him as long as he wants, then put him in his crib when he asks for it, but after that I do not pick him up again. I stay close, I sing softly, I speak comforting words, but I do not play the back-and-forth-in-and-out crib game with him. The first 2 bedtimes of this method were brutal and involved many tears from both him and me... but today at naptime? It worked!! He asked to go in his crib, then stood up and asked to be held, and when I gave him a hug but didn't lift him out instead of screaming he just plopped onto his pillow and fell asleep! Thank you Jesus.

Behavior
Z will be two next month and it breaks my heart to say that we are his 6th set of caregivers. As has happened too many times before in his short life, he has been uprooted and taken away from everything familiar and normal. New sights, smells, tastes, sounds, routines, faces, and places have once again assaulted his senses. I am pretty sure that if this happened to me multiple times, I would probably also hit, scream, bite, scratch, scream, spit, throw, kick, arch, scream, bang my head, and scream. Did I mention scream?

Yes, he has done all of the above. But it is nothing we weren't prepared for and it is nothing I can really blame him for. On top of all that he has been through, the kid is almost two years old and a lot of the above behaviors are just par for the course, whether you're recently adopted or not. Our responses to these behaviors are mostly based on what we think triggered them and what's going on at the time. I must admit that they are also sometimes based on how tired and cranky we are. Hey, we're human. We have been doing lots of holding, singing, "time ins", distracting with toys, etc. and have seen marked improvement in the time it takes for him to recover from a tantrum and calm down. He used to have to cry himself completely out to the point of exhaustion, but now he can often recover after just a few minutes (depending on what the trigger was and how mad he is).

Lifestyle Choices
OK weird category title, but I couldn't figure out what else to call it. We didn't leave the house with Zeke at all for the first several days. On about day 5 we ventured out for a short walk in our neighborhood. On Day 7 he took his first ride in the car since coming home. Thankfully he enjoys the Ergo, the stroller, and the car seat and so far does not put up a fight with any of those things. We took him to the doctor on Day 12, so that was basically our first major outing and he did amazingly well (see "health" section for the details of that visit). A few days ago I took him to my parents house for a short visit. Other than those things, as well as regular walks in the stroller and dropping the big boys at school (but not getting out of the car), he has not really left our house or been out in public.

Although I am happy with the above choices, I do think he will do great when we start taking him more places. He has not exhibited much fear or anxiety about being out of the house with us, and he definitely seems to know that we are his caregivers and doesn't seek any attention or comfort from other adults (or at least he has not done so on the rare occasions when other adults are around him). Still, I'd rather be too conservative than risk putting him in a situation where he feels overwhelmed, confused, or anxious. We have allowed some family members and close friends to drop by for short visits, but they have mostly chatted with us and not interacted with Z. I am not quite sure how exactly we will expand his exposure to new places and people, but I do know that we will do it as slowly and intentionally as possible.

Health
We are lucky enough to live in a city with not one but several physicians who specialize in internationally adopted children. We had a great experience with Z's new doctor, whose entire practice is comprised of IA children from all over the Pacific Northwest. After our hour-long consultation with her, I feel very confident that any and all of Z's health issues will be uncovered and dealt with successfully. The doctor talked with us about everything from nutrition to attachment to vaccines, and helped us understand what to expect with Z's health in the future. Along with all the usual well-child check-up stuff, she also scraped his scalp to test for fungus, ordered heaps of lab tests, gave us a prescription for Giardia meds (we had already gotten a positive test result for that), referred us to 3 other doctors (pediatric opthamologist, audiologist, and orthopedist), and checked out his club foot (it is functioning great but we'll see what the ortho doc says). He also got 3 shots and a TB skin test. We were absolutely amazed by what a champ Z was through all of this! Since taking the one-dose anti-parasitic drug a few days ago his tummy is definitely on the mend, and otherwise he seems to be in good health. He was in the 35th percentile for weight on the American Multicultural Growth Chart, 15th for height, and 85th for head circumference. We are happy to have such a big strong boy!

I guess I should also note that Z had a nasty cold when we arrived in Ethiopia, which turned into a terrible cough, which kept us up one night before we got some meds at a local pharmacy. Thankfully he was mostly recovered by the time we flew home.

Communication
This is one area that has proved to be much easier than I thought it would be. Given the fact that Z heard one language (Oromifa) for the first 12 months of life, then another language (Amharic) for the next 11 months, and now a 3rd language (English) in our home, I was expecting him to have a bit of a language delay. But far from being delayed, he is talking up a storm! At the guest house in Ethiopia we got lots of help from the staff figuring out the most common words he was saying in Amharic and we've continued to use a lot of those words, along with the English equivalents. He is picking up new English words every day, including Mommy, Daddy, his brother's names, and words for many common objects & activities in our home and things we can see out the window: eat, choo-choo, beep-beep, light, bubble, dog, tree, just to name a few.

We have also been doing a lot of sign language with him and he is picking that up at lightning speed. Many times he will do the sign, say the Amharic word, and say the English word for what he wants or sees [i.e. putting his hand to his mouth, saying "bilah," and then saying "eat" when he is hungry]. We are so glad to see that this area of his development is right on track.

Brothers
The transition for our other two boys (ages 5 & 3) has gone fairly well -- tough at times, but overall better than we expected. N is a natural helper and teacher, so he loves interacting with Z, leading him around the house, helping him do things, showing him how stuff works. He has even taken a turn feeding Z at mealtimes. It is beautiful to see N growing in his big brother role and using the gifts God gave him to bless his new brother. D... well, he has always marched to his own little tune so half the time it seems like he barely notices that anything is different (except when Z is breaking his train track or getting to eat yogurt at every meal... so not fair!). Other times he seems miffed that he is no longer the baby of the family and acts out for attention. And still other times he embraces his new role as big brother with sweet and genuine affection and attentiveness toward Z. For his part, Z seems thoroughly pleased to have 2 big brothers to follow around. One of the cutest things we've seen him do is grab the washcloth in the bath and give his brothers a little scrub. Adorable.

The Good Stuff
We have known since getting our referral that Z is ~~controlling~~ spirited and ~~demanding~~ strong-willed, but it wasn't until we brought him home that we got to see how FUN he is! He is so silly and animated and it has been an absolute blast to see this part of his personality come out. It fits in so well with our family dynamic. Some of the sweetest moments we've had as a family have been tickling, wrestling, hug-tackling, and having silly face contests with our three goofy boys. It has also been great to see his playfulness come out in pretend games -- he especially loves to play with the toy food and utensils and walks around the room giving everyone a bite.

In addition to being playful, we are surprised at how affectionate our little guy is. Of course we give him tons of affection throughout the day, but on top of that he actually initiates hugs and kisses with us on a regular basis! I thought it would be months, or at least weeks, before I got an unsolicited hug or kiss from this tough little cookie but it turns out he is a softy underneath it all.

In the last few days Z has been learning to join us in looking at picture books, which is great since at first he seemed to want nothing to do with them. His favorite book to look at is the photo book that our agency gave us with pictures of him in the Widow & Orphan home and with the nannies and some of his little buddies. He holds it up to his face and kisses their pictures so lovingly... We thank God every day for the wonderful care he received before he came to us.

The Interesting Stuff
One of the most fascinating things about these first weeks has been uncovering all the skills, talents, and interests of this child who is at the same time our son and yet also our newly-made acquaintance. He knows how to dribble a basketball. He knows what to do with a jump rope. He loves using hand sanitizer. He doesn't grimace one bit when we dump a bucket of water over his head in the bath. He knows that Q-tips are for cleaning ears. He grabs anything that looks like it could be a phone, holds it up to his ear and says "Hello? Ciao!" He loves dogs from afar but is terrified of them up close (no surprise there considering what dogs are like in Ethiopia). He's great at kicking and throwing a ball. He knows exactly how to use chap-stick. We did not teach him any of this... I wonder what else we have yet to find out about this amazing little boy.

The Hard Stuff
Overall I feel like we were very well-prepared for the things we have faced in these first weeks post-placement. The one area where I have felt completely blindsided has been my own emotional state. I am positive that our training talked about this, as well as books I've read about adoptive parenting, but I guess it didn't really sink in for me until I was living it. Just about everything in our process took longer than we thought it would, and after all that waiting and praying and waiting some more, I was sure that feelings of happiness and relief would flood over me when we finally had Zeke home. Sure, we'd be jet-lagged and dealing with tantrums and food fights and night waking... but we'd have our son home!! We'd have the fulfillment of God's promises in our arms, which would mean warm-fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness, right?

It is hard to admit this, but no. Not so much. I know it happens for some moms, and I am glad. But the fact of the matter is, inviting a grieving, traumatized toddler I barely knew into my life 24-7 evoked a whole slew of negative emotions that were not trumped by the happiness of completing the adoption process. And following closely behind these frightening negative emotions were waves of guilt and shame that only brought me further down. Thank God for a few more experienced adoptive moms who were there to give me a listening ear and the assurance that I am not, as I (irrationally) feared, the first person to feel this way. In fact, according to them, these feelings are actually... wait for it... normal. Oh thank God. And, apparently, it gets better with time! Praise the Lord.

And guess what? It already has. As this adorable but turbulent newcomer in our home becomes less of a stranger and more like just another Ballast boy I notice the negative feelings ebbing and fading. In their place something is growing, slowly and steadily. It's a little early to call, but I think it just might be head-over-heels, wild-and-crazy, go-to-the-ends-of-the-earth-for-you... LOVE.

new title

2011-03-06T14:53:00.000-08:00

Since we are beginning a new chapter in our family life, I decided to make a few changes to the blog as well. The new title, "We're All Yours", is something I picked up from one of my favorite adoptive mom blogs. When we become parents, whether through giving birth or adopting, it is so tempting to stare at that child and think, "Wow, he/she is all mine." But when Claudia wrote about the day she became a mom, she flipped that sentiment on its head and told her sweet little twins, "we're all yours." I love that.

For me the phrase is reflective, not only of our attitude toward our children, but also of our posture toward the God who made us and in whom we find our purpose, worth, and identity. We're all yours: no matter what characteristics, stories, strengths or weaknesses might threaten to define us, we are fundamentally defined by our place in the kingdom of God.

Our first week has gone as well as can be expected... I plan to write more later, but for now I will leave you with a picture that was taken at our guest house in Ethiopia. I have come back to this picture over and over, because it is a visual representation of the attitude I want to have toward my son. The process of getting to know each other is hard, especially when you add complete culture-shock for him and jet-lag for all of us. In the midst of these challenges I want to embody this image: crouched down on his level, giving him my full attention, smiling, and offering an open hand.

homecoming

2011-03-01T22:25:00.000-08:00

Thank you Jesus!

oh happy day!

2011-02-18T07:54:00.000-08:00

God has answered our prayers!! We have a confirmed embassy date next week -- Wednesday, February 23! We truly believe this is nothing short of a miracle and we give all glory to God. To all those who have prayed for us along the way, THANK YOU!

Now if you'll excuse me, we are getting on a plane in 2 days and I need to find my to-do list and travel folder... apparently this is really happening!!

[P.S. There are two YWAM families, both dear dear friends of ours, who are still waiting... will you please join us in continued prayer for them? Lord have mercy and bring these families good news SOON! Amen.]

still here

2011-02-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

I really don't have anything to report, but I thought I would post anyway just so you all know we're alive. We are still waiting to be given a confirmed appointment at the US Embassy, at which point we will hop on a plane and finally be reunited with our sweet little boy!

It has been almost 15 weeks since we kissed his fuzzy head, laughed at his screechy antics, and shared a half dozen lollipops in the warm Ethiopian sun. Ohhhh, that afternoon was such a gift. As the weeks have passed, he has grown and learned and played and adjusted to his new home at the transitional children's center in Addis Ababa. We have prayed and waited and longed and adjusted to living our daily lives while being ready to fly across the world any day.

The only thing we have to cling to is the goodness and faithfulness of God. He has been so faithful and so good to us - even in this heartbreaking wait. He constantly reminds us of his deep love and trustworthiness. He gently reminds us of his sovereignty, his perfect timing, his power to answer prayer, and his perspective, which is so much wider and broader than ours. Who has ever waited on God and been disappointed? Who has ever trusted him and been let down? When has God ever failed?

David asks questions like these in Psalm 18, and then answers with a shout of praise: "The Lord lives! Praise be to my rock! Exalted be God my savior!" (Psalm 18:46). This is our answer too.

no go

2011-01-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

Just to keep you all updated... We are not going to be assigned a February 1 visa appointment. We are still not sure when we'll hear that tiny little word we've been waiting on (GO!), but it could be quite a bit longer than we'd hoped.

For now, we'll keep praying this prayer from 1 Thessalonians 3:11 - "Now may our God and Father himself and our Lord Jesus clear the way for us to come to you." We'd love for you to pray this prayer for us and all the other families in this waiting stage. Thank you!

we'll go when we go

2011-01-13T14:42:00.000-08:00

Last week we were given a tentative Embassy date of January 18, but after hearing what happened with the previous group of families (they were given a tentative date of Jan 4 but called a few days before and told not to come because the Embassy wanted more documents on all the cases) we did not have high hopes. Today we found out that we were not given a Jan 18 Embassy date... not a surprise, but certainly disappointing nonetheless.

However, there was good news too: our agency has obtained all the documents requested by the Embassy for our case! That is a huge answer to prayer. The reason we weren't given a Jan 18 date is that the documents are still in transit on their way to Addis Ababa where they will be translated and submitted to the Embassy. There is also a small glitch with Zeke's passport, but we're hoping that will be cleared up quickly. Assuming it is, then the documents should be translated in a few days and everything will be in place for us to be given the next available Embassy date, which is February 1.

Knowing our case is not missing any documents is a huge weight off my shoulders. I have been stressing about how much to prepare, but now I feel a freedom to get ready. I know we still may not get a Feb 1 date, but for some reason I do not feel any anxiety about it. We'll go when we go. God has been with us at every turn of this process and he won't leave us now!

For those who have been praying with us and for us, please keep it up! And please also pray for a few other YWAM families who are still waiting for documents, which can be very hard to obtain in a country with so little infrastructure. Pray that God would move mountains to bring the right paperwork into the right hands so that these sweet families can be reunited for good. Thank you!

tightrope walking

2011-01-08T19:08:00.001-08:00

This stage of our adoption process is feeling a bit like walking a tightrope. We are balancing on the impossibly fine line between being logistically and physically prepared to travel at a moment's notice, and being emotionally prepared for the reality that we may be waiting several more weeks. Like a tightrope walker, I am trying to keep my chin up and my eyes looking ahead... but thank God there's a net, because I am falling a lot.

Today a wave of sadness knocked me off the wire after I spent an hour packing some of Zeke's things. As I gathered all the little items we will use to care for him - shampoo and diaper cream and sippy cups, I was overwhelmed by a desire to care for him now. To bathe him and change him and feed him: to mother him. I am his mother, and I want to mother him. The fact that I can't do that yet and have no idea when I will get to... it is a tough pill to swallow right now.

But swallow it we must, and a spoonful of gratitude helps the medicine go down:

Thank you, Lord, that Zeke is healthy, happy, and getting excellent care from the loving and capable nannies at the Thomas Center.

Thank you, Lord, that we have a great team of people from YWAM and CHI working on our case both here and in Ethiopia.

Thank you, Lord, for our amazingly supportive network of family and friends, especially our fellow YWAM adoptive families who are in this with us.

Thank you, Lord, for your promise to be with us every step of the way and to bring our family together in your perfect timing.

waiting, hoping, coping

2011-01-01T09:49:00.000-08:00

So when does he come home??

Six weeks ago I was saying, "Hopefully in about 6 weeks!" Last week I was saying, "Hopefully in about 3 weeks!" And now? Now I am just smiling and saying, "We're not sure."

Along with many other families, we are waiting for an appointment with the US Embassy in Ethiopia where we will receive Zeke's passport and visa -- the very last step before bringing him home. Usually an Embassy date is given about 6 weeks after the adoption is finalized, but lately the Embassy has been making changes to their investigative processes which have added to the wait time. Last week several families were given tentative Embassy dates of January 4, only to be called a few days ago and told they would have to wait because the Embassy had requested more documentation on all their cases.

I don't know how all of this will affect our time-line, but I am trying to focus more on how it will affect our attitude, preparation, and mindset over the next weeks / months. Jon has a mantra he has been repeating throughout our whole adoption journey, through all the typical ups and downs we have experienced: We can't control what happens, we can only control how we react to it. We have been asking God to renew our minds, prepare our hearts, and reset our attitudes as we walk through these last weeks or months of waiting. The other day I had to laugh when I saw this sign on the ferry dock:

Please turn off engine. No-idle zone. God was showing me the coping strategy I will need for this season: turn off the engine of frantic stressing, planning, prepping, and expecting. Look around. Enjoy where you are. Have fun.

So that's my plan: the month of January is going to be fun. I just bought concert tickets for January 22, I'm setting up play-dates, girls nights, and maybe even an overnight getaway without kids. Or maybe I am going to Ethiopia. Either way, I am going to enjoy where I am and what I am doing because it is all a gift from God.

To those of you who have already been through this or are currently waiting with us, what are your coping strategies? I'd love to hear what has helped you stay hopeful and emotionally healthy through the hard stages!

eating my words

2010-12-21T16:13:00.000-08:00

I usually LOVE putting together our family Christmas card and letter, but this year I have been decidedly grouchy about it. Nothing makes me grouchy like having to eat my own words. The thing is, last year our Christmas letter promised a bigger family photo - one with us and our Ethiopian child who surely would be home by then...

I have made a concerted effort not to assign my own time-frame to our process: it will take exactly as long as it takes, God is in control, our son will come home at the perfect time. But last year at this time I just could not fathom a scenario in which our child would not be home by the following Christmas. All I can say is, lesson learned!

All these waiting stages stacked on top of one another have certainly not been easy... but I can also see God's goodness in the midst of it all. He is never late. He never breaks his promises. He loves us and wants to give us good things. Some of the deepest valleys of our journey so far have yielded some of the most amazing blessings, so we will keep walking, keep trusting, keep waiting as long as he wants us to wait. We know how this story ends, and it is beautiful and worth the wait.

Merry Christmas from the Ballasts
Seattle and Addis Ababa
December 2010

belated part 2

2010-12-09T13:54:00.000-08:00

When we got back from our first trip to Ethiopia I wrote a post entitled "ethiopia, part 1 of ?". It's been 6 weeks today since we returned and I haven't written much more about our time there. Partially because I actually covered most of the basic details of the trip in my first post, and partially because it is just so hard to write about. I miss it - I miss him - too much, and I haven't been able to go there.

But today I will suck it up and go there because there are some stories that need to be told.

In case you are not aware, there are 2 types of adoption cases with respect to how the child becomes available for adoption: abandonment and relinquishment. Abandonment can mean a lot of things. In legal terms it simply means that there are no birth parents involved in the process. Again, there can be many reasons for this so please don't make assumptions. [Really, let's not make assumptions ever, but especially in adoption. Seriously.] Anyway, our case was an 'abandonment' case, and as such we were told that we would not be able to meet any of our son's relatives. Despite that (or maybe even because of that), we decided that we wanted to travel the 12+ hours each way to the town where he was born. If we could not give him the benefit of pictures and stories from the actual people who gave him life, we at least wanted to give him pictures and stories from the place itself.

Here are the top 3 most significant decisions we have made as a couple:

1. To get married
2. To adopt
3. To travel to our son's birthplace

I am not exaggerating: that three day trip literally changed my life forever. I will never be the same.

Another decision we have made together is to keep the details of our son's early life private, so I won't be sharing every little bit of why this trip was so incredible, but I do at least have to tell you the part about God giving us an ocean when we asked for a cup of water.

On Sunday morning we got in the van in Addis Ababa along with another adoptive family, a driver, a translator, and a young woman who was also on her way from Addis to the small town in Western Ethiopia where we were all headed. After a brief introduction, the young woman and the translator began an animated conversation which was clearly about us, and we kept hearing our son's name repeated back and forth between them. I think I drew blood biting my tongue to keep from interrupting them and asking what in heaven's name they were saying. Finally, the translator turned to us.

This young lady is a member of your son's extended family. When we arrive, she would like to introduce you to his grandmother.

Shock. Joy. Nodding. More shock. I sobbed and laughed and lifted my hands to the God who loves to blow us away. We had half-heartedly asked God to give us just one small connection to our son's beginnings on this trip - maybe a story from a nanny from his first few weeks in the orphanage. Maybe a memory from the guard about when he first arrived, who brought him, how he looked and acted. Honestly, I wasn't even expecting that much. It seemed like so much to ask, especially when we were told there would be nothing to learn, and no one to talk to. This was a trip to take pictures, collect a pinch of soil, and buy a souvenir - something of which we could say, "This came from the same place that you did." And what did God do? He showed off: He put an actual relative of our child right in our laps, sharing a 12 hour van ride with us, headed toward the home of a grandmother we didn't know existed.

We came away from that trip with videos, pictures, and experiences that I absolutely cannot put a price on. It was not an easy trip or a cheap one, but I would not trade it for the world. If you have the chance to do this, DO IT. Of course I can't guarantee your child's relative will be in a van with you, but I can say I do not think you'll regret it.

[Note: You may be asking yourself, if your child has living relatives, why did he need to be adopted? If so, please see the beginning of my post regarding assumptions. Thank you.]

smile big

2010-11-30T16:52:00.000-08:00

Nate, Dexter & Zeke (ages vary, but all between 14 and 20 months old)

art

2010-11-21T18:55:00.000-08:00

This weekend we had an event at church where families gathered to create a new art exhibit together for Advent. The theme was "Symbols of Christ" and each family chose a symbol to incorporate into their art, along with imagery that was representative of their own Advent experiences and traditions. Each family also wrote a statement to accompany their piece. I didn't bring my camera so these cell phone pictures aren't great quality, but here are some pictures of our art, along with our statement.

We chose the Iota Chi as a symbol to focus on, one of the oldest symbolic representations of Jesus Christ. This symbol reminds us that Jesus Christ is our true foundation and source. This Advent season our family is spread across two continents: Jon, Haley, Nate and Dexter are in Washington, while our newly adopted son Zeke is still in Ethiopia. Our paintings are a visual representation of the truth that, though we are far apart, we are united in Christ.

In other adoption-related art news, Nate was coloring today and drew a family picture. This is the first time he has drawn his family and included Zeke in the drawing!

celebrate

2010-11-16T15:19:00.000-08:00

We had a great time celebrating our big day on Monday with two other YWAM adoptive families -- it is such a huge blessing to have friends close by who are walking this road with us. Especially the kind who are willing to drop everything and invite you over for dessert, or drive across town just to give you a big hug! The other cool thing about these two families is that all of our Ethiopian children were born in the exact same town - how crazy is that? Our children will travel all the way across the world to join our families, but they will still have neighbors who share their birthplace. God is good!

the kids had ice cream

the adults had (home-grown!) pumpkin pound cake

the boys loved the dollhouse elevator

can't wait to have a picture with the WHOLE family...

and so it begins

2010-11-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

[In line at the store today with Nate & Dexter]

Random Woman: Do you have two boys?

Me: (honest to a fault) Actually I have three.

Random Woman: Oh that's great - I had three boys also.

[Sidebar -- why do people say that they had children? Even if your children are adults now, wouldn't it still be accurate to say that you have three sons? Just sayin'.]

Random Woman: So is the baby at home then?

Me: Um... yep.

It's not exactly a lie, right? He is at his home, which is not my home, but nonetheless it is home for now. In some ways he is more at home today than he will be after he moves across the world to live with us.... but that's not a conversation I want to have in line at Safeway with a perfect stranger.

And so it begins: the awkwardness of talking (or not talking) with strangers about adoption. At this point we are not even conspicuous yet (unless you happen to ask a specific question like "Do you have two boys?"), but soon enough it will be open season. In the meantime I think I'll be avoiding eye contact at the grocery store and memorizing Colossians 4:6 --

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

we're yours

2010-11-15T13:20:00.000-08:00

We are thrilled to introduce you to our SON,

Eba Ezekiel Ballast

(or "Zeke" as we will call him) officially adopted into our family TODAY, November 15, 2010!

We were happily surprised to receive a phone call early this morning letting us know that our case was approved today and we are now the proud parents of a third beautiful boy. It should be just about 6-8 weeks before we can go back to Ethiopia and bring him home!

We are praising God today, thanking him for doing this good work and also thanking him for each one of our friends and family members who have faithfully prayed for this day! We love you, and we're so thankful to have you with us on this journey.

Zeke, we are humbled and privileged to be your parents. Today is the day we've been waiting for: we're officially YOURS!

not yet

2010-11-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

Earlier today (MUCH earlier, since Addis Ababa is 10 hours ahead) we had our 2nd court date. We did not pass.

We don't know very much about why we didn't pass except that the staff of our agency is confident that it will get worked out and we will pass soon. We do know that our lawyer had all the proper documentation, nothing was missing, everything is in order... but for some reason the Ministry of Women's Affairs is not signing off on our case so the judge can't finalize the adoption.

We don't have a 3rd court date scheduled, apparently because the judge wants to proactively investigate why MoWA is holding things up and as soon as she (yes, our judge is a woman - how cool is that?) figures out what's going on and gets what she needs then she will pass our case (and several others like it).

There is literally nothing we can do at this point... except pray. Will you pray with us? Please pray for the judge as she investigates the way MoWA is handling these cases - pray that she would get the information she needs to be able to pass them all. Please pray for the people who work at MoWA to have integrity and wisdom and to act in the best interest of the children whose lives they impact. Please pray for the children who are waiting - that they would receive excellent care, remain healthy, and get lots of love and attention. And please pray for us and other waiting parents, that we would have peace and would trust God's timing.

Thank you!! We'll give more updates when we have them... hopefully the next phone call will be GOOD news!

let's go back

2010-11-08T15:22:00.000-08:00

This morning when I looked in the mirror my eye caught on a faded orange smudge across the hem of my tank top. Then I remembered that I was wearing this tank top under my t-shirt on a rainy day in a rural town in Western Ethiopia. Its been through the wash since then, but laundry detergent's got nothin' on Gimbie dirt!

Ohhhh, I want to go back so bad.

You're probably thinking, DUH you want to go back - your son is there. Yes. I do want to go back because it will mean bringing home our little boy. But it's more than that... we fell in love with all of it - the beauty, the culture, the openness and sincerity of the people we met... even the deep red dirt that stained our clothes.

Seeing the smudge on my shirt today made me feel something bittersweet, something hard to put into words but if I had to try...

I'd call it homesickness.

thinking before we speak

2010-11-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

I am really annoying and nit-picky about words. I think maybe I always have been. According to my mom, when I was 2 or 3 years old and she tried to pull off the classic parent trick of skipping words on a page of a book I would have none of it. "You skipped a word Mommy!" My voice is probably slightly less grating now, but I am every bit as militant about words today as I was then.

Every subculture has its own language and adoption is no exception. My word-loving brain has had an absolute field day over the past year learning (and unlearning) all the lingo, and sometimes finding out the hard way which words get which groups of people all worked up. I think adoption language has become particularly important for me because I believe that words have the power to shape our attitudes, our self-concept, and how we see the world, and therefore words about adoption have power to shape my child's attitudes, self-concept, and worldviews. This is critical stuff, deserving of our careful thought and attention.

I don't want this post to turn into a rant about all the adoption wording/language that frustrates or angers me (though that temptation is strong!), but I do want to use one example of how I see language as a powerful tool to set the tone for a child's identity. [Disclaimer: I am not trying to condemn or judge anyone here. I am just sharing my perspective on language in adoption, one that I know some might disagree with and that is OK. Yep, talking to myself here as much as to anyone reading this.]

Gotcha Day. I read this phrase on adoptive parent blogs all over the internet. For the uninitiated, this phrase is used to mean the day that a child joins their adoptive family. I believe this phrase is an example of language having the unintended-but-still-significant power to influence the perspectives, identities, and attitudes of not only a child, but the family and community surrounding the child. What are the implications of the phrase "Gotcha Day"?

1. The child is objectified into something that can be "gotten".

2. The phrase is inherently adoptive-parent-centered, because the adoptive parents are the ones "getting" the child.

3. "Gotcha" is a word used in other contexts to mean that someone has been tricked or that someone else has gotten the better of them. How does it feel for an adopted child the first time they hear the word used that way?

4. Gotcha Day is cute and catchy, making it appealing for parents of young children. But these young children will grow into teenagers and then adults. Does a 15 year old want to celebrate "Gotcha Day"? Does it still feel appropriate at this stage to talk about the parent-child relationship as the parents "getting" the child?

5. The phrase allows friends and family to continue to view the adoption only through the lens of the adoptive parents who "got" a new child.

Let's compare this to another language option for the same event: Family Day.

1. The phrase does not contain implications about transactions, commodities, or other negative aspects of the adoption industry.

2. The phrase is more neutral in terms of perspective - the adoptive family is adding a child and the child is becoming part of a new family. However this phrase might not be a wise option in domestic open adoptions or some foster-to-adopt situations because it implies that this child is only now part of a family because of adoption. If the child was very much part of a family before the adoption then this would be an insensitive choice. On the other hand, for a child who has been without parental or familial care for the majority of their life this phrase might be appropriate.

3. The word "family" has a fairly unambiguous meaning, therefore a child will not hear another opposing meaning that could muddy their understanding of adoption.

4. Family Day is something that does not feel silly or hokey to celebrate with teenagers or adult children.

5. Choosing a phrase like Family Day sends a message to friends and extended family that this adoption was not just about parents getting a child, but about a significant event in the life of the whole family, which in turn affects all its members.

My least favorite thing about language is that it is always imprecise and imperfect in some way. There is no perfect way to talk about adoption. I'm definitely going to mess it up, both in my own home and on this blog. But that is not an excuse to say that language doesn't matter. It does. Again, I'm not judging - I'm simply saying that we need to think it through and we need to do so with a long view of our families and our kids. How will this sound in 5 years? 10 years? 30 years? What will this mean to their friends at school? What message does this send to our community? How will my child reinterpret this when he or she reaches adulthood? We can't do it perfectly, but we can be intentional and thoughtful and, call me an optimist, but I believe that will make a positive difference in both our children and our communities.

prayer and perspective

2010-11-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

OK so I found a little more time to blog... :)

There are many YWAM families like us, waiting on one more document until our cases are finalized and we are legally made parents of our sweet kiddos. It's no fun, especially since most of us have already met our little ones and fallen off the deep end in love with them. We want them home. It's natural.

But on the other hand... we signed up for this. This is international adoption. If there is anything we can expect, it is bumps in the road, changes to the process, and delays in the time-line. That doesn't mean we have to like it, but it does mean we can accept it as a normal part of the journey. In this rough waiting stage here are a few things I'm trying to remember to help me keep it all in perspective:

1. I can't make this go any faster, but is not going as slowly as it feels. Ethiopia has one of the fastest processing times for adoptions. China has a 4 year wait for non-special needs adoptions. Domestic foster-to-adopt cases can take years and years to be finalized, depending on the birth parent's status. We have been in this process for 13 months and we are almost done. In the grand scheme, this is a lightning-fast time-line!

2. I am not entitled to a smooth process. We are talking about transferring a human being from being legally in the care of an organization to being legally placed in a family from another country. This can be nothing but complicated. Adoption is still relatively new to Ethiopia and they continue to refine their process to make it more ethical and safe for families and children. Bumps in the road for me will hopefully mean a better process for the future.

3. The YWAM and CHI staff are the best. No really. THE BEST. We met dozens of staff members in Ethiopia - nannies, directors, coordinators, lawyers, etc -- and every single one of them was a superstar. They were truly some of the most compassionate, conscientious, and considerate people I have ever met. It kills us to be separated from our boy. It kills us that our case is still not finalized. But it comforts us immeasurably that our son is being loved on and cared for by amazing people. It sets our minds at ease that smart, capable individuals are doing their best to get our case decided as quickly as possible. We also met adoptive parents in Ethiopia who were working with other agencies and orphanages. Here's what we kept hearing from them: Wow... You guys are so lucky... Gosh, I wish I could say that about the people we worked with... You should see where our kids were... I wish we had the support you have... I wish someone had prepared us as well as your agency did... And on and on and on. It helps so much to know that we are in very good hands and so is our son.

Of course none of the above will make our children magically appear in our arms... but I hope that if you are waiting like us, these things still bring you a measure of peace. God is at work and he will keep his promises. I don't think that necessarily means we'll have our kids home by Christmas or whatever deadline we've set in our heads (though I would love that of course!). God is big enough to be glorified even when our deadlines are missed and our hopes are shattered. God is big enough to be glorified even when our plans fail and our children wait. God is big enough to be glorified in our journeys, even when they are bumpy and longer than we wanted, even when they make us cry out "how can this be your plan?"... even then, God can glorify himself. Let's make that our first prayer - Lord, glorify yourself, with all the prayers for speed and smoothness coming only after and in submission to that one.

ethiopia, part 1 of ?

2010-11-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

Where to begin? Since I don't know how much time I'll have to blog in the next few days/weeks, I will first post a summary of our trip and then go into more detail later when I get a chance. Here are the main highlights of our trip:

*We started off the trip with a fun evening in Washington DC with a college friend and her husband. I've never been before so it was fun to see the White House and all the monuments lit up at night!

*We arrived safe on Saturday AM and though we were tired, we hit up the shopping district to stay awake and try to get on Ethiopia time.

*On Sunday we drove 9 hours to Nekemte. The road was everything we had been told it would be: bumpy, crazy, crowded, interesting, and beautiful!

*We visited a 130 year old palace on Monday morning before driving the final 2 hours to Gimbie.

*Monday afternoon we spent time with our son's grandmother and saw the home he lived in for the first 9 months of life. It was a total shock to find any of his relatives -- the experience was nothing short of miraculous for us. The conversations and experiences we had on that day will bless our son and our family for the rest of our lives.

*Tuesday was a long day of travel - 14 hours from Gimbie to our guest house in Addis. From carsick toddlers to minor traffic accidents, there was never a dull moment!

*Wednesday we went to Adama to meet our boy! Although our first hour with him was mostly punctuated by screeching and crying, he did eventually warm up to us and show the sweet personality hiding behind the screams. I can't put into words how much we love this child. The time we spent with him was truly a gift.

*We were graciously given the option not to take our son from the Adama orphanage to the Thomas Center in Addis. Instead the orphanage director, Tezera, will make this trip with him later this week. This gave him the opportunity to stay in his familiar environment for a few more days and gave us the opportunity to say goodbye to him on happy terms. He would have no doubt hated every minute of the 2 hour drive in the arms of strangers, and will be much more comfortable traveling with Tezera, whom he knows and loves. It was a blessing to be able to leave him in the arms of his caring nannies - he even gave us kisses when we said goodbye!

*We spent most of Thursday in the courthouse waiting room. We had already been made aware that all the YWAM cases were missing one document from the orphanage which would delay the final deciding of our cases. Still, we were thankful that we got to appear before the judge and our part went well. And we are VERY thankful that the case can now be decided without our presence so we did not have to extend our stay in-country or make (God-forbid) yet another trip back for a 2nd court date. We hope and pray this document will come in soon so that we can officially become his parents! At this point it looks like we may still be able to bring him home in December or January... It is hard to have all these things out of our hands, but we not only have trust in the awesome YWAM and CHI staff who are working on our behalf, but also ultimately in the God who holds us all in his hands and will bring about the fulfillment of his promises at just the right time. After court we went back to the guest house and enjoyed a coffee ceremony before heading to the airport to begin our 32 hour journey home.

*We thank God for keeping us safe and healthy the whole way - no problems with food, water, or travel.

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Now... we wait. The only way to describe how we feel right now is that it feels like we left a part of ourselves in Ethiopia. During this time we will live our lives - love and care for our kids, do our best at work, keep up with our responsibilities and relationships - but in everything we do there will be a subconscious recognition that a piece is missing. And in one sense, I am not sure that bringing our boy home will change this feeling. Yes, our family will be whole -- and what an incredible blessing and answer to prayer that will be! But Ethiopia has captured our hearts and it will always be our son's first home. I almost feel like having pieces of our hearts on both continents is just the new "normal" for our family. I'm not sure I ever want to lose this deep love and longing for that amazing place... So my prayer is for us to be together soon, but also for God to show us how to live with peace wherever we are... and to live with peace in two places at once.

we're home!

2010-10-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Amazing. Blessed. More to come later. Must sleep....

Typical scene on the road to Gimbie

hours, not days

2010-10-19T14:04:00.001-07:00

We leave in less than 48 hours! We are mostly packed and just have one or two last-minute errands to run. To say we are very excited would be a vast understatement, and to say we are a little nervous would be right on the money.

Here are a few prayer requests:

-For strength, clarity of mind, and energy to take care of the last few things that need to be done before we go. Both of us are pretty stressed out at work right now so please pray that we could make all the last minute arrangements and have peace about how we are leaving things.

-For Nate and Dexter and their grandparents who will take care of them while we are gone, please pray for fun bonding time and safety.

-For our little boy in Ethiopia, that God will bless him and protect him through yet another transition as we take him from the YWAM Widow & Orphan home to a different children's home in the capital where he will stay until we come back to bring him home.

-For physical and emotional strength for us as we set off on what will be an amazing but challenging trip.

Thank you so much for your prayers! It is awesome to know that we have so many people praying for us as we go.

I will close this post with a quote from our 3 year old. Jon was walking home from the park with the boys and Dexter looked up at him from the stroller and said, "Daddy, when I'm a grown-up, I'm going to help all the boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies to get new mommies and daddies. God wants me to do that."

yep, what she said

2010-10-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

No time to write, but I don't need to. Kristen pretty much said it all in this post...

Do Orphans Need Saving?

1 week and counting

2010-10-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

In 1 week, 0 days, and 16 hours we will be on our way to Ethiopia. Aghh!! Yay!! Wow. When it comes to stuff like this I get the most stressed about 1-2 weeks before the event. So yes, right about now. By the time I am within a day or two of something huge, I am totally relaxed. Everything is done, all is prepared, and I have nothing else left to do but be excited. But a week or two beforehand my sensory perception goes all wacko and I start feeling like the impending event is closer than it really is and that I'm much further from being ready than I really am. Today it feels like I am just about to hit the balancing point where the to-do list seems manageable and the deadline for getting it done is just the right distance away... ahhhh, deep breath.

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I was watching the Teen Mom season finale today (judge if you must, I'm addicted) and had this strange sense of connection with first-parents Tyler and Catelynn as they drove 8 hours to see their daughter Carly and her adoptive parents for the first time in a year. They were nervous and worked up about the weirdness of seeing someone you love so much but don't know at all. On the car ride they wondered out loud: Will she like us? What will it feel like to hold her? What does her laugh sound like? How will we feel when we meet her? Like Tyler and Catelynn, we've seen pictures of our little one and gotten updates on his development, but that is no substitute for real, live interaction! Watching their sweet reunion gave me a funny feeling in my chest -- a nervous, hopeful, excited twinge of anticipation for our own upcoming meeting. Like Tyler and Catelynn, we'll have a day or two to meet and play and give a few gifts... and then say "see you later." Not good-bye, just see you later.

[I think it goes without saying, but of course a first meeting between birthparents and child is a fundamentally different experience than a first meeting between adoptive parents and child... the comparison doesn't go very far, obviously. Still, it was interesting to be able to relate to some of their feelings!]

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Last night at dinner we were all talking about kids in Nate's kindergarten class. Jon has been trying to get him to learn 2 new names every day, so Nate reported that he learned the name of a girl in his class and that she is from Ethiopia. We asked how he knew that and he said because "she wears a hood". Well, we explained, some girls who wear a scarf on their head are from Ethiopia, but not all of them. And some girls are from Ethiopia but they don't wear a scarf. And that if he asked his new friend where she was from, she might say "I'm from here," because maybe she is. Then we started talking about ancestors and how maybe his friend is from Seattle, but her ancestors might be from Ethiopia, or lots of other places around the world. I realized that we have never really told Nate or Dexter where their ancestors are from. Hmm... since we will definitely talk frequently about our Ethiopian son's heritage, maybe we should also talk to our Dutch/Western European Mutt children about theirs! I think it would be strange if they could tell people "my brother's ancestors are from Ethiopia" but not be able to answer that question for themselves. Looks like it is time to get out the globe!

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We were driving the other day and Dexter was talking about when he was a baby. He's been bringing that up a lot lately and I wonder if it is because he is anticipating not being the baby of the family anymore... Anyway, it led to an interesting conversation between me and Nate.

Dexter: Nate, when you were born did you hold me?

Nate: No, when I was born you weren't born yet. I was born in California, and you were born in Seattle.

Me: And [our little guy] was born in Ethiopia.

Nate: But you weren't there. You didn't know him when he was born. You had never met him when we were going to adopt [the little girl we thought we were adopting back in April].

Me: [Quiet for a long time.] That's true, I wasn't there. But I do know where he was born, and I am going to go there to see it next week. And I'll take pictures so you can see it too.

Nate: Oh.

Me: Are you sad we didn't adopt [little girl]?

Nate: [in a "Mom you are so silly" tone of voice] No, I'm not sad!

Me: Good. You're excited to adopt [our little guy]?

Nate: Yep.

Me: Well good. Me too.

all i do is make lists

2010-10-02T14:09:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in almost 2 weeks because things have been a complete whirlwind getting ready for our trip. I have tons of posts piling up in the wasteland of the back of my head, most likely never to be written... but that is OK. All I have the time and sanity for today is a random stream-of-consciousness list of updates/thoughts:

1. We got lots of shots last week. They hurt. The next day I was pretty sure I had Yellow Fever.

2. Dexter told me the other day that when his baby brother gets home we will take him to Red Robin. Later he offered to share his Bear-Bear with brother, which is basically like taking a bullet for him in Dexter's world. Sweet boy.

3. When we leave Ethiopia, we'll be leaving our son at the Thomas Center, a home for children who have been adopted but are waiting for their embassy dates so they can go home. Yet another new environment for him... a great, warm, loving, developmentally stimulating environment! But still. :(

4. We are taking 100 lbs of donated formula to Ethiopia with us for babies in YWAM Widow & Orphan homes! (Because these people rock.)

5. We will be gone just over 8 days. During those 8 days, we will spend 76 hours traveling, either by plane or van. For most of those hours we won't have any kids with us (!!). Anyone have any good book recommendations?

6. Our agency (YWAM Ethiopia) is organizing mission trips to many different parts of Ethiopia in 2011. They do all the planning & organizing, you just sign up and pay one all-inclusive fee for the trip. They have all kinds of trips -- manual labor, relational ministry, evangelism, etc -- for all sizes of groups. And I know I am biased but just let me say... THESE PEOPLE ARE AMAZING. I would go anywhere with them. They love Jesus, they love people, and they are just plain awesome. Here's a link with more info. Do it!

7. One of our possible embassy dates is 12/21. If that ends up being our date, we would most likely arrive home with our boy on Christmas Eve. Which means our child's first morning in our home would be... Christmas morning. Welcome to America, kid! Meet your brothers, the crazed maniacs screaming about Santa! This is your new normal! [For the record, if that's how the timing works out, Santa will come very early to our house to avoid aforementioned chaos.]

8. And finally, to any adoptive parents reading this... we are days away from meeting our child and weeks from having him home. Is it normal to feel WOEFULLY inadequate at this point??

October 28

2010-09-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

We have a court date, again -- but for real this time!! On October 28, 2010 we will attend a court hearing in Ethiopia to officially adopt our little boy! (For the record, I usually have a rule about ending 2 sentences in a row with exclamation points... but this qualifies as a special exception! Oops, that's 3 now.) We are surprised, thrilled, and overwhelmed with everything that will be happening in the next 4 weeks and beyond.

Due to a slight policy change in the Ethiopian court system, the original court date we received of November 26 was bumped up a whole month. Hooray! We will probably travel about a week before our court date so that we have time to visit the remote town where our son was born. It is a full day's journey each way, but what a small price to pay in order to experience a piece of our child's history! We'll be emailing our friends and family a full itinerary so you can pray for us specifically each day. If you want to receive that email, please contact us at theballasts (at) gmail (dot) com.

It feels very surreal to have an actual day when we will become the parents of this precious child... I am reminded of the verses our pastor will be preaching on this week from Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see." We can't say we have been perfectly faithful through this whole journey, but God has been. He is the one who fulfills our hopes and turns faith into sight, and we give him all the glory!

Video Review: Amharic 4 Our Kids

2010-09-20T13:59:00.001-07:00

I recently purchased a video from Amharic.com entitled "Amharic 4 Our Kids, Vol. 1". Here is the blurb about the product on the website:

This is the first fully animated DVD that is designed specially for kids to teach them Amharic (the most popular language in Ethiopia). It is suitable for kids of all ages and skill levels. The educational section focuses on the Amharic alphabet, vocabulary, and writing, while the entertainment section contains popular songs and dancing. Run Time: 1 hour, 27 minutes.

I was hopeful that this would help us learn some basic Amharic with Nate and Dexter in preparation for our adoption, and then to use post-adoption as well. The fact that it was in an animated kid-friendly form seemed to be a good fit, as it would allow us to all learn together.

Overall, I was very disappointed with this product and I give it a 1/5 rating. It contains 4 different sections, which I will review individually.

Vocabulary
This section presents approximately 20 color and body part vocab words. The primary problem with the vocabulary section (and truthfully, the whole video) is that it is not a research-based language learning tool. The way that the material is presented in this video is not consistent with current research about how children (and adults) learn language. In order to facilitate language learning, words should be presented clearly and repetitively with as many visual cues as possible (visual cues might be footage of a real person saying the word, multiple examples/pictures of the word, the phonetic spelling of the word, etc.) Instead, this video uses very poorly done animated characters with robotic voices who speak the word only once, and even then it is nearly impossible to hear over the loud background music and sound effects. The only thing that saves this section from being completely and totally useless is the quiz portion. Here they actually show a phonetic spelling, which allows the words to be understood and repeated. (They also use the real Jeopardy! theme song and if they paid for that privilege I will be surprised, given the low quality of the rest of the video!)

Music & Dance
This section is neat because it shows traditional dances from different regions of Ethiopia. That being said, these videos are easily accessible on YouTube and certainly not worth buying the video for. There are also 2 animated song/dance parts that I found to be borderline creepy. The animation is so poor that it really takes away from the presentation.

Amharic Alphabet
This part is totally useless. An animated character sings a very annoying song that repeats letters of the Amharic alphabet. You can't understand what he's saying and it is not the kind of song that can serve well as a mnemonic device because it just repeats the same tune for each set of 2 letters. If you already knew the Amharic alphabet, the song might be a fun way to repeat and review the letters, but if you don't know it this video certainly won't teach it to you.

Writing in Amharic
Again, I found this section useless. An animated character says the names of all the Amharic letters, while a person's hand is shown drawing them. This is repeated over and over, but no explanation is ever given of what the letters represent. The letters are never used to make words, or explained in phonetic terms, so they are virtually meaningless unless you already know them.

The video is called "Amharic 4 OUR Kids," and after watching it I am certain that OUR kids does not mean MY kids... perhaps it would be more beneficial for use within an Amharic-speaking family as a teaching tool to help children retain their language in an English-speaking country? Even then, I'm not sure it would be very beneficial.

So here's the funny part: MY KIDS LOVE IT. They ask to watch it every day. They usually get bored with each section quickly, but they still like watching it. The vocab section is their favorite, and I think after several viewings (with lots of reinforcement from me) they might actually learn a few of the words presented. So... I do not count it a total loss. I had planned on buying another one of their products (Amharic the EZ Way), but now I am definitely reconsidering. Anyone know any good, research-based language learning programs for Amharic??

story-telling, story-keeping

2010-09-14T20:07:00.001-07:00

I have a question for all those of you who have already adopted:

How do you respond when people ask about your child's "story"?

We have already encountered this a little bit from friends and family who know we're adopting, but I'm guessing it will be much more frequent after we bring our boy home. Even now I am struggling to figure out what to share and with whom. The bottom line is that this question is deeply personal - not for me, necessarily, but for our son. After all, whatever information I share is his information. Even taking the easy route of just saying we don't know much about his story is actually still sharing something intensely personal, because it gives the impression that he won't know his story either.

My preference would be to have a go-to line that I use with most people, politely explaining that we don't share personal details about his life prior to adoption... But in some ways I have issues with that too, because it kind of implies that what happened pre-adoption isn't important or that it is something taboo that we just don't talk about (neither of which are the least bit true). What I really want to say to people is that our child's story is important, and we do talk about it... just not with YOU.

I'd love to hear how other adoptive parents handle these types of questions... Do you share different amounts with different people? What's your favorite way to say "mind your own business" politely?

by request

2010-08-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

For those of you who requested rambly and uninformed... here you go.

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When I was in 3rd grade we got a new student in our class. My best friend was in a different class, so when we met up at recess I informed her of the event. "We got a new girl in our class today and she's black," I told her. The new girl overheard me and came over to us. "I'm not black, I'm Mexican." "Oh. Sorry," I said, and my friend and I ran off to play wall-ball. I remember thinking something along the lines of black, Mexican, whatever. Later I remember being shocked to find out she lived in one of the nicest houses in our neighborhood and her father was a wealthy small-business owner.

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I grew up believing that I could do or be anything I wanted. I grew up believing that everyone had that same opportunities in life, no matter what race they were or what their background was. I grew up believing that if you didn't reach your goals in life, you didn't want them bad enough or work hard enough to get them.

Those things were true for me, but who was I? A white girl whose parents went to college, got married, got good jobs, stayed together, and provided for all my physical, emotional, spiritual, and educational needs. Did I earn any tiny little bit of that privilege? Nope. Did this unearned privilege inform the above-mentioned beliefs? Of course.

This is not bad or wrong or anyone's fault. It just is. Or was -- I don't believe those things anymore.

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In the paper the other day I saw a story about unemployment. The headline read "In jobless misery, it's mostly women and children first." The article noted that single mothers have been hard-hit by unemployment and featured two pictures of white women with children. They also included a table of unemployment statistics, which showed that black men had the highest rate of unemployment by a significant amount. But that's not going to sell papers is it?

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What am I rambling on about? Well, I think I'm trying to get at a couple of things. One, that I have started very deep in the hole when it comes to understanding racial issues in America today. But, two, I am trying to grab the rope with both hands and climb my way out.

Why does this matter, and what does it have to do with adoption? Well, as I noted in my previous post, it turns out we are white and our third son is not. In order to be the best parents we can be for him, we need to understand what this might mean for us and for him. I've heard people say, "Oh it doesn't matter what color our child is, we love him just the same." DUH. That was never in question. The question is, would you ever need to say that about your white non-adopted child? And even if we were to say that race doesn't matter to us, it will very likely matter to our son. It is part of his identity, and brushing it aside is like saying that part of him has no value. OF COURSE it doesn't affect how much we love him, but it does affect who he is, just like being white affects who I am. As his parents we want to help him form a healthy racial identity; taking the blinders off and realizing all the ways that our society is biased toward white as the "norm" is a step toward being able to do that.

Oh! It is so hard to it "publish" on something this scattered and unfinished, but I guess it is representative of where my thinking is on these things right now. As Claudia reminded me in the comments of my last post, I am thinking, and that is important in and of itself.