Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I hesitate to write this today because I want to be positive and not complain, but this is not really a complaint -- it is more of a confession. And unlike complaints, confessions are healthy and good for community. I know how helpful it has been for me to read honest accounts of the struggles that others have had when they've gone before me on this road...

So for that reason, I confess that today was one of those hard days.

Oh, the hard days. All expectant families have them, whether 'paper-pregnant' or regular-old-pregnant. I remember the hardest days of my pregnancies being mostly in the late first trimester - the end of the beginning but not quite the beginning of the end. I was terribly sick, but what I hated more than the sickness was not knowing how long it would last. I remember honestly feeling like I would never feel good again, even though I knew how silly that was.

I think that must be exactly where we are in our adoption process. We are sick of the waiting, the not knowing, the empty mailbox... but what is harder than waiting and not knowing is not knowing how long the waiting and not knowing will last. I know the same things I knew when I was 18 weeks pregnant and still throwing up. This can't last forever. One of these days you will wake up and this stage will be over. You will laugh and say, Oh that wasn't so bad after all. Joy and peace and thanksgiving will overflow, erasing the memories of anxiety, and impatience, and doubt. But today, to be brutally honest, that knowledge doesn't help and that day seems a million miles away. "I believe! Help my unbelief."

This morning I read Psalm 3, and this verse stuck out to me: "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." That's all I can do. Go to bed. Pray. Wake up. Pray. Know that the Lord sustains me.


  1. I really don't know how this feels, but your words help me to imagine it. It sounds excruciating. Waiting in hope must be the greatest tension we're asked to live in this life. I'm wondering if it might be one of biggest prices you're asked to pay in this whole process. I admire you for being a woman who pays a price for something unknown. God bless you, Haley (and Ballast family). (Also, it reminds me of a prayer I read recently with the line "Grant that we receive all the benefit of adversity.")

  2. Haley - I really appreciate your posture of faith in the midst of the waiting. It's a CHOICE and you're making it! Through our 9 years of waiting... the Word the Lord gave me that continues to remind me to make that CHOICE to HOPE and TRUST is "There's a purpose in the process." Seasons of waiting are seasons for us to Press into Him... and what a sweet time that can be. :) Blessings! Hope to meet you sometime soon!

  3. Haley,
    You join with all of our wonderful YWAM families who are persevering in hope. This process is not for the faint of heart, is it? God must have something for you that's not obtainable any other way. I love that you're honest but also determined to let God sustain you!

  4. Thank you, all of you wonderful women.

    Tamara, I love that prayer and will be praying it regularly!

    Rachel, you are such an encouragement to me! I too hope we can meet in person soon. :)

    Becky, thank you for your support. "God must have something for you that's not attainable any other way" -- what a great way to look at it. :)