Saturday, August 7, 2010

first steps

Today one little word broke my heart.


It showed up in this month's child developmental report from YWAM, looking innocent enough in the section labeled "other comments". But last month the report said walks with help... and this month it says walking. Oh! I cried and cried: equal parts sadness and pride.

Some of my tears were for myself -- as a mama it hurts to miss this milestone in my baby's life.

Some of my tears were for him -- though I know he is loved and adored by his nannies, he didn't stumble into a mother's arms after those first precious steps. Separate from wanting that for myself, I want that for him.

And some of my tears were for his first mama -- she missed this too.

Even still, we will tuck away this memory and keep it for him. We don't have pictures or videos, like we do of his brothers' first steps, but we have this little moment of faraway pride and love. It's not the same, and maybe it's not enough... but we'll give what we have in love, and where we fall short may God's grace abound.

Nate, age 12 months

Dexter, age 15 months


  1. Haley - great post and thank you for sharing... god bless you as you journey to love this new child... love you guys..

  2. Hi Haley,

    Thanks for your comment on my blog - it's allowed me to find yours! Lovely to meet you - I've just clicked 'follow' :)

  3. Awww, Mama. I am so sorry! There are so many other "firsts" you will get to witness. I am beginning to understand how difficult it is to miss those special moments, but you will get a lifetime of moments thanks to this wonderful miracle! :)