if you are adopting transracially...

...you might find this frustrating, offensive, difficult, and possibly more helpful than anything else out there to prepare for the road ahead.

[I know I probably need to be frustrated, offended, and made to read/watch difficult things in order to be the best adoptive parent I can be.]

For those who dare to join me, I'm attempting this Crash Course in Transracial Parenting. It's clearly not for the faint of heart, but then... neither is any type of parenting, adoptive, transracial, or otherwise!

not enough

I have been putting off writing about this topic because I feel like in order to do it well I will need more time than I can seem to find. But I don't think that chunk of uninterrupted time is ever going to come, so instead of writing and editing for hours on end I will force myself to just share a few brief thoughts.

I have been poking around adoption blogs and adoptee blogs for awhile now. By no means do I consider myself an expert, but I am learning a lot (and realizing how much more I need to learn). In this process, one of the most important things I am coming to understand more fully is this:

Wanting to care for orphans is not a good reason to adopt.

Believe me, I am a strong advocate for adoption and I have a deep and passionate concern for orphaned children. I just don't necessarily believe that adoption should be promoted as the only reasonable response to the tragedy of orphaned children.

As another blogger put it:

If a person has a heart to care for the orphan that is really, really wonderful. As an adoptive parent my advice would be, send a check. Offer respite care for an adoptive parent. Help with a fundraiser. Take a missions trip to an orphanage. Sponsor a child. Sponsor several.

If a person wants to parent children who were biologically born to someone else, adoption is a beautiful, transforming, life altering for all involved parties, option.

At its core, adoption is not about caring for orphans; it is about parenting a child. True, that child was at one point in time classified as an orphan, and true you are providing care, so in that literal sense, adoption is a type of orphan-care. But if your primary aim in adoption is anything other than being a parent -- even something noble, like rescuing an orphan or caring for the needy -- I wonder if it might be best to consider some other form of aid.

I can hear the protests: "But there's such a huge need! These kids need families! Everyone should consider helping to meet this need by opening their home to an orphan!" Well, yes and no. Yes, there's a huge need. Yes, these kids need families. And yes, I wish more people would carefully consider adoption as an option in their family planning.

But if you consider the prospect of parenting a child who was not biologically born to you and find that you are not called, equipped, and excited to do just that, then NO, you should not adopt. It doesn't mean you don't love orphans. It doesn't make you a "bad Christian" (as if there were such a thing). It's just not your particular God-given calling. By the same token, choosing to adopt doesn't give adoptive parents the right to look down our noses at anyone. As one adoptee blogger put it: Adopting a child doesn’t make you a saint. It doesn’t make you a hero. It makes you a parent.

To summarize, wanting to care for orphans is great, biblical, praise-worthy, etc... but as an adoptive parent it is simply not enough.

grief, grace, and PBJ

As excited as I am to bring home our boy, I have been struggling with lots of sadness lately too. Of course we are excited... but how does he feel? We chose this, we chose him, but he had no choice and that makes me sad. Although the process of adoption will meet his need for a loving lifelong family, it will also be yet another traumatic experience for him. He will be brought to an unfamiliar place (the transitional home in Addis Ababa) where complete strangers (that's us) will hug him and kiss him and speak strange-sounding words to him. Then a few weeks later these same strangers will come back and take him in a horribly loud and crowded machine for hours on end, only to emerge in a new place where nothing smells, sounds, tastes, feels or looks right. And this is only the beginning.

I am starting to love this boy more and more, which makes me grieve for what I cannot give him. I can't fix the brokenness that led to him needing to be adopted. I can't rewind the tape and change the events and decisions that brought him to where he is. I can't change the fact that he will not be raised by the people who gave him life, that he will never look like his Mom and Dad, that he will grow up across the world from his first home... and it makes me sad.

Yesterday I got home from a lovely (and by lovely I mean downright awful) day of travel with 2 exhausted, over-stimulated, post-Disneyland preschoolers. [I may or may not have burst into tears at the airport McDonald's and required the help of a kind stranger to regain my sanity and my chicken nuggets.] By the time we got home we were all hanging by a thread. The kids needed dinner and there was no food in the house so I started making PBJ. As I made the sandwiches my thoughts wandered to Ethiopia and my heart got heavy. I don't know if I can do this... He needs an Ethiopian mama... He deserves better than me... I know I'm going to make a million mistakes... I looked down and realized I had put peanut butter and jelly on the top of the sandwich and stuck and extra piece of bread on top. There was no fixing it, the sandwich was ruined and I started to cry (again).

"What's wrong Mommy?" I gulped and sniffed and looked down at the sandwich. True, I couldn't fix it, but I could make the best of it. "Nothing sweetie. Mommy made you the coolest, most special sandwich ever! It's a TRIPLE-DECKER PBJ!" The kids of course thought it was awesome and will probably not accept PBJ any other way from here on out.

God is funny. He is not above using PBJ to bring His deeply-needed grace into our lives if that's what we give him to work with. As I sliced up the triple-stack sandwiches I received the peace of his presence with me, reminding me that yes, I will mess up... but YES, God will redeem. He will use me to bless my children, even when I'm spacing out and buttering the wrong side of the bread. In this adoption journey, in my daily parenting challenges, in all areas of life I find myself utterly and completely dependent upon that grace -- the grace that takes our broken offerings and makes them into something beautiful.

saving a spot

I'm being followed. Whether the boys and I are piling in the car for preschool or riding bikes to the park or just sitting around the breakfast table together, I can't help picturing a third little boy in the mix. Wherever we go, I picture him with us - where he would be sitting, how he would laugh at Dexter's silly faces, what Nate would want to show him and teach him.



Today the boys and I went to my parents' cabin on Vashon Island [more pictures here]. We left some room for Ballast boy #3... Can't wait to round out these pictures with another sweet son.



P.S. We heard from our placing agency today -- all our paperwork has been translated into Amharic and we are just waiting for the orphanage director to sign one more piece of paper in Addis Ababa before they can petition for our court date. The paper is supposed to be signed later this week, and from then it will take about 2-4 weeks to receive our court date. Please keep praying we will be assigned a date before the closure in August and September!

the wheels are turning...

Our referral paperwork arrived in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia yesterday! Sometime this week our agency's lawyer will petition for a court date for our case. It could take anywhere from 2-4 weeks to find out our court date, which we are hoping will be scheduled sometime in July. It is so crazy to think that in less than two months I could be kissing the sweet chubby cheeks of our cute little guy! It's harder to think about the fact that we will only have a day or two to get in as many kisses as we can before we get back on a plane to come home without him... Those will be long weeks while we wait for an Embassy appointment.

Our agency director returns home from Ethiopia this week, bringing with her new photos and stories to tell about how our boy is doing! She got to spend time with him just a few days ago and we can't wait to hear all about it. Seeing the pictures will be exciting, but strange too... he will look so different than he does in the pictures we have, which are now a few months old. We have memorized every little inch of him in those photos, so I know it will be surprising at first to see a bigger and older boy smiling at us in the new ones. We can't post pictures online until we pass court, but if you see me in person I'm happy to share - just ask! :)

bedtime story

As I tucked the boys in for their naps today and they asked for a story. I told them...

Once upon a time there was a little boy in Ethiopia who didn't have anyone to take care of him. Then he met a nice lady named Miss Joy. Miss Joy picked him up and gave him a big hug and a kiss. Then she told him, "I know a mommy and a daddy who want YOU to be their son and two little boys who want YOU to be their brother." The mommy and daddy and two boys were so excited to meet this little boy and bring him into their family.

Me: OK boys, sleep tight.

Dexter: That's not the end Mommy!

Me: Well, I don't know how the rest of the story goes yet. But I hope it will go like this: Then the little boy came home and they all lived happily ever after.

Dexter: (thinks about it for a minute) But you forgot the scary parts Mommy!

I had to shake my head... he is right. We have no idea what kind of stories these next chapters will hold -- whether they will be happy, scary, frustrating, joyful, or all of the above. All we know is that God is writing our book and that's good enough for us.

[Note: I should add that after the above exchange between me and Dexter, Nate piped up and said "The scary part was when he didn't have anyone to take care of him." Well said, buddy.]

the dotted line

We signed a referral today!!!

While our hearts were still healing, God took our hands and led us to a beautiful little 13-month-old boy. This all happened much more quickly than we expected, but we are THRILLED and so thankful to God for bringing us to this point.

In a previous post I mentioned a government agency closure that was holding up paperwork on most of YWAM's waiting children. Most... but not all. Our little guy is all ready to go, just waiting for us! Our dossier is already in Ethiopia, so when the referral documents arrive in the next week or two everything will be in place for the in-country agency staff to request our court date. Here's a tentative look at how long things may take from here on out (# of weeks listed is how long each step will take, not how many weeks from now until we complete that step):

1-2 weeks: referral documents arrive in Ethiopia
2-4 weeks: receive assigned court date
4-6 weeks: travel for court date
4-12 weeks: return for embassy appointment and to bring home our boy!

The Ethiopian court system shuts down for 1-2 months beginning in mid-August, so we are praying that our court date will be assigned for sometime in July. That is a best-case scenario, with a more likely scenario being a court date in late September or early October after the re-opening. We are trying to remind ourselves that we're dealing with the government of a developing country and therefore anything could happen... but we're also hoping and praying that this little boy will be in our arms SOON!

Thank you for all your prayers for us in this process, especially over the past few weeks. The only explanation we have for this awesome new development is that many, many, many people have been praying. Thank you, and thank God!