epic post-placement post: one year

It's time for another installment in the 'epic post-placement post' series! (To see previous posts click here, here, and here.)

As I said in my original post, beyond just recording these things for posterity, my motivation for doing this is mainly to provide a window into our experiences for the sake of those who are waiting to bring their children home and wondering what it might be like when they finally do. Of course our experience just represents one dot on a huge spectrum, so if you are a waiting parent your experiences may (and most likely will) be completely different from ours. Still, I think it can be helpful to know what life is like for those a few steps ahead of us down the road.

Overall
I want to start this off by saying that overall after one year, Z is doing amazingly well. He has become fully integrated, not only into our little nuclear family, but our extended family, friends, and community. Spend a little time with him and it's easy to see that he genuinely feels at home. He knows he belongs, and that is a priceless blessing.

That being said, I think children (adopted or not) go through many cycles of integration, isolation, and re-integration in their communities and even their own families as they develop and grow into themselves. It's not a one-shot deal -- it's a life-long process. I know that I've gone through seasons of either feeling alienated from or drawn closer to various groups of people in my life, depending on the stage of development I was in. As we parent Z through the ups and downs of life we can't control whether he always feels connected, grounded, at home, etc; but we can try to always provide a safe place for him to sort it all out. That's the goal, and I feel like the first year has laid a good foundation so far.

Progress
Rather than going through each section separately as I have in previous posts, I'm just going to summarize some areas where we have made big strides in the past 6 months.

*Screaming is at an all-time low in our house, praise the LORD. It still happens, but we are down from dozens of times per day to maybe a few episodes a week. [Keeping it real: pretty sure this progress is due to the dollop of soap Z gets on his tongue whenever he screams. I'm not sure if that's condoned by the 'experts' but it has worked a small miracle around here so I'm OK with it.]

*Z is very comfortable being left with babysitters now and typically doesn't show any signs of anxiety before or after we're away from him. We even left the kids with a close family friend for two nights last month to attend a baptism out of town, and Z did great. I thought he would be a little 'off' after we got back, but he didn't miss a beat. He also gets dropped off at preschool twice a week and loves it, as well as Sunday school on Sundays.

*Z has been healthy all winter, and recently had a visit to his orthopedic doctor, who says his club foot is completely corrected! He will still wear his 'snowboard' at night until his third birthday but after that we're DONE. He has absolutely no impairment in his ability to use that foot or leg - you would never know anything was wrong. I am so thankful to report that every single health issue we dealt with at the start has now been fully resolved. Praise God!

*One of the biggest improvements we have seen in the last 6 months is in the relationship between our two youngest. Z and D really knocked heads in the beginning (and by 'beginning' I mean the first 4-6 months), and it is not hard to see why. They are both strong, they are both stubborn, they both like to have the attention on them, and they are both believe that Mommy exists solely to meet their individual needs: not exactly a recipe for insta-friends. But over time, and with lots of intentional coaching, teaching, and prompting from Mom and Dad, these two have come to not just tolerate, but actually love and enjoy one another. They are only 19 months apart, which has made them great playmates now that they aren't at each other's throats all the time. There is very little in this world that makes me happier than seeing my children get along. It is bliss.

*Another area where we've seen major progress is something I'll call self-regulation. Z can calm down when he's upset. He can wait for things (to an age appropriate level). He doesn't completely come unglued when every little thing doesn't go his way. He has some understanding of delayed gratification. To give an example, we've been having trouble at mealtime (more on that below). After the drama dies down, Z will look at us and say, "Tomorrow Z eat dinner!" He understands that even though things didn't go well tonight, we can always try again tomorrow.

*This doesn't really fit in the category of 'progress', but I think it's important and want to mention it: Z is so proud to be Ethiopian. He talks about it on a daily basis. He loves to watch videos and look at pictures from Ethiopia and still remembers the names of many of the friends he had there. Naturally we have encouraged this, but it is often something he initiates or requests. I'm hoping this interest will continue and deepen as he grows, and that he will always be proud of who he is and where he is from.

Still A Work in Progress
As I said, overall things are great and Z has come so amazingly far in one year. But there are two areas specifically that remain a work in progress: mealtime and bedtime. From day one these have been the two battles that Z will pick more often than any others, because he is smart enough to know that you can't make a kid sleep or eat. Don't get me wrong, he likes sleeping and eating and he does get plenty of rest and plenty of food. But even after one year of super consistent routines and boundaries, he still fights control battles in these areas daily. As much as is humanly possible, we choose not to fight back, and everyone knows a one-person fight gets boring after awhile... but apparently his tolerance for boredom is sky-high because he hasn't quit yet.

I could go into great detail about how these battles play out, but the bottom line is that we do have consistent routines, consistent boundaries, and consistent consequences... and yet he pushes. I would estimate that this happens at about 1 out of every 3 or 4 mealtimes and bedtimes. It's not fun, but honestly we have just gotten used to it. That doesn't mean we don't care, or that we don't deal with the behavior, but it also doesn't (usually) sabotage our whole evening anymore. Though I hope it won't always be so, for now it's our new normal.

I also want to mention that Z still wakes at night on occasion. We had about a few weeks in a row of no night waking recently, but this past week he has been up once or twice a night again. Sometimes it seems like he's having a bad dream, other times it's not clear why he's fussing, but he almost always goes right back to sleep with a little comforting. We don't usually pick him up, we just speak a few soft words, rub his back and he settles down. Last night he was up several times with bad dreams but that's not happening very often anymore, thankfully.

This section wouldn't be complete without an update on the areas where I am still a work in progress. I won't bore you with a laundry list of all my faults (though I have one written out and can email it to you if you're interested... joking... mostly), but I want to admit that I have a long way to go when it comes to parenting, and parenting my youngest child in particular. I know better, but I still let Z push my buttons. I am still quick to have my feelings hurt and I feel rejected easily. I am more likely to overreact to his behavior than to the other kids'. I am also quicker to judge myself, and therefore more likely to feel guilt and a sense of failure about my parenting of Z than of the others. Despite all this, I do feel that each of these areas is slowly improving over time. Grace, grace for him, grace for myself, the grace of God in Jesus Christ is sinking deeper into my soul and steadily doing its work in us day by day. Amen to that.

To Sum Up
We are crazy blessed and grateful to have Z in our family. We love him to pieces, and his million-dollar smiles, deep belly laughs, silly inside jokes, fun creative play, and sweet sweet hugs and kisses are daily demonstrations that he is thriving here. It's messy and there is a steep learning curve, but our family life together is starting to feel more like a fun swim in the lake and less like trying not to drown while the sharks circle up. That's a good thing.

A month or so ago I realized that Z can still wear the outfit he came home in, but it fits him very differently now! In the above picture, if he's standing up the pants just touch the tops of his shoes. Below, they are cuffed twice, as are his sleeves. One year makes a big difference!

in one year...

You learned a thousand new words in a language you had never heard.

You learned to eat meals at the table, to use a fork and spoon, to drink from a cup, to try new textures and tastes in your food.

You learned how to be a little brother, how to share and negotiate and compromise.

You learned how to swim.

You learned to sing Jesus Loves Me, and you believe it.

You learned how to talk about your feelings.

You learned how to get dropped off at preschool and you learned that Mommy always comes back.

You learned how to use an iPhone.

You learned how to hold your own in a wrestling match with two big boys and a Daddy.

You learned the magic of books and memorized all the words to your favorites.

You learned about your Ethiopian heritage, and how to answer proudly when someone asks where you were born.

You learned that Daddy gives the best airplane rides around the living room and Mommy sings the best lullabies and Mimi plays the best pretend games and Grandpa tells the best stories and Papa has the best tickle fights and Nana reads the best bedtime stories.

You learned to love us and you learned to let us love you.

In the midst of all this learning, you also taught us how to eat injera with the right little flick of the wrist, and how to pray with abandon, and how to be brave even when you're very scared.

We are both proud and humbled to be your parents -- cheers to one year of being family together! Ewedehalo.

9 months

Today Z has been home for 9 months! I'm going to save my next 'epic' post-placement installment for the 1 year mark, but I didn't want to let this milestone slip by unnoticed.

Z continues to live up to his names: he is strengthened by God - a strong, resilient, and loving boy, and he is an immeasurable blessing to our whole family.

We're all yours, buddy!


first thanksgiving!


my nana spoils me.




ready for my close-up.


dancing with mama.

feelings and grace

Remember those cute leaf-raking pictures from my last post? Yeah, this one didn't make it in. ;)

I don't envy adoption agency staff members -- preparing people to become adoptive parents must be crazy hard. I happen to think our agency did a fantastic job preparing us, and I'm impressed with how they've continued to refine and improve the education component of their program. Despite the great pre-adoption preparation we received, there was an undetected disconnect lurking in me -- something I didn't know that I didn't know until circumstances brought it to the surface.

I knew plenty about how Z might behave when he came home, and why, and what to do about it. I knew about how challenging it would be for him to leave everything familiar and come to a strange place with strange people, all at a critical point in his development. I knew it would challenge me too as I implemented strategies for bonding, building trust, and correcting inappropriate behavior. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, I'm just saying that my preparation was robust and I felt ready ready ready. I like a challenge, I thought. Especially a challenge that I have been anticipating and waiting to start for a million years months and months.

The disconnect came in the form of feelings. Some of the feelings I have listed below were short-lived and faded within days of getting home. Others are still part of my daily emotional life. All of them came as a surprise.

After the wait was over:

I felt numbness and ambivalence about bringing Z home

I felt uncomfortable and unnatural caring for him

I felt anger and frustration toward him when he acted out or threw a fit

I felt hurt and rejected when he didn't return my affection

I felt grief over the loss of my 'easy' family

I felt unhappy at a time when everyone expected me to be thrilled

I felt fearful about my ability to give Z the consistent, unconditional love-in-action that I knew he needed

I felt like I was in an abusive relationship, in the sense that a person was hurting me over and over and I had to keep coming back for more

I felt isolated because I was afraid to share my feelings with others

I felt horribly, horribly guilty and ashamed about all of the above.

Let me reiterate, I fully understood Z's behavior and was not surprised by it. To some degree, I even understood my emotional reaction to it... but only in a book-knowledge, "this can happen to some people and it is normal, but it won't happen to me" kind of way. For the sake of balance, I have to say that I also felt a lot of other, much more positive things: wonder, gratitude, and hope, to name a few. And over the course of the past several months, the trend has been overwhelming toward more and more positive emotions and fewer negative ones. But the beginning? Well, you read the list.

[Side note: Can you even imagine was Z's list would look like? He's still too young to put his feelings into words but I am pretty sure mine would pale in comparison to his. And honestly, he handled it all better than I did. Downright amazing, that kid.]

I am not sharing this to scare anyone, and I'm certainly not sharing it to garner sympathy. I'm sharing it because it's a real part of my story. I don't know what would have helped me to be more emotionally prepared beforehand. In the months before Z came home I had some major 'preparation fatigue' so I'm not sure any additional training would have registered with me. But sometimes just knowing that someone else has felt what you are feeling goes a long way. We all like to know we're not alone.

There are many things that have helped me to regain emotional health in the past several months, but they can all be distilled down to one thing: grace. Grace from others, in particular my amazing husband who told me beautiful lies every day (You're doing great, honey! It's OK to feel how you feel. OK, so they might have been truths, but they felt like lies at the time). Grace from myself, releasing myself from the chains of perfectionism and the self-condemnation that always follows. And behind, between, above it all, the grace of God -- the eternal 'yes' to my personhood, the gift of being forever good enough even if I do it all wrong, the orientation of God toward me, for me, with me, in me. Grace, grace to you friends.

epic post placement post: 6 months

It's time for another installment in the 'epic post-placement post' series! (To see previous posts click here and here.)

As I said in my original post, beyond just recording these things for posterity, my motivation for doing this is mainly to provide a window into our experiences for the sake of those who are waiting to bring their children home and wondering what it might be like when they finally do. Of course our experience just represents one dot on a huge spectrum, so if you are a waiting parent your experiences may (and most likely will) be completely different from ours. Still, I think it can be helpful to know what life is like for those a few steps ahead of us down the road.

Eating
Z continues to eat well and try new foods often. Since Z's graduation from 'mealtime boot camp' (see 'eating' section of this post) we have been able to loosen the reins a very little bit on mealtime boundaries, including eating meals at other people's houses, restaurants, the park, or the backyard. And rather than cutting him off at the first infraction, we are typically able to give him a chance or two without instigating a battle of wills or inciting manipulative behavior. Another huge milestone has been teaching Z delayed gratification: "If you eat X, you can have Y." Believe it or not, this finally clicked for him when X was chili and Y was... green beans. Kid loves him some green beans. Despite these victories, there is still usually one meal per day that ends in Z being excused due to inappropriate mealtime behavior (when he is 'excused' he still sits at the table with us until the meal is finished, he is just done eating for that meal). Most of the time this behavior stems from Z's desire to control every element of the meal -- how the food is served, where things are on the table, who gets served first, etc. Sometimes he can recover from not being granted this control, and sometimes he can't. Still, overall Z is eating well and growing in the family skill of eating meals together at the table.

Sleeping
We had about two or three months of decent sleep at one point, I think it was in the Spring. More often than not during that time, all our children went to bed fairly easily, stayed asleep all night, and woke up at a decent hour in the morning. It was lovely. Then we went on vacation and were on East Coast Time. Then our 3 year old suddenly needed his sheets changed multiple times per night. Then it was summer and we stayed up too late. Then Z went through a gnarly separation anxiety phase. Now (knock on wood) we have had two uneventful nights in a row, which I hope is the new trend because school starts soon and we need our sleep! Since coming home Z has gone through phases of night-waking, waking 2 or 3 times per night every night for a few weeks, then sleeping through without waking for days or weeks at a time. Most of the time when he wakes up he is easily comforted back to sleep, but once in awhile he wakes up seeming angry, scared or upset and he won't let us touch him. Those are the hardest times. Even though this is within the spectrum of normal toddler behavior, I can't help wondering if he is reliving something from his past. But since he is too young to tell us what's going on, there is no point getting worked up about it -- we just do our best to comfort him, and we pray.

Behavior
Z is still two, and I do mean TWO. He is so much fun, and he is so much work. I am trying to keep a long view of things when it comes to working through Z's behaviors. He had 2 years to learn these behaviors and they are not going to disappear overnight. None of Z's specific behaviors are outside the scope of normal two year old stuff, but in my (albeit limited) experience they are just more frequent, more easily triggered, and more intense. We still have spitting, we still have screaming, we still have tantrums, and we still have the occasional biting and lots of hitting, as well as a hearty dose of controlling and manipulative behavior*. Is it better than when he came home? Absolutely. Is it better this month than last month? Maybe. Like I said, long view. We use time-ins (Z in his crib, me in the chair next to him), redirection, do-overs, and a wee bit of what psych professionals call 'aversion therapy.' In our house it is called Rude Juice. Crimes of the mouth (spitting, biting, and screaming) result in a very small amount of vinegar being squirted into the offending orifice with a medicine dropper. It is decidedly unpleasant, but not harmful, aggressive or mean... and it works like a charm. I can't wrap up this section without noting that Z also has lots and lots and lots of adorable behaviors to balance out the challenging ones! He is playful, fun-loving, affectionate, friendly, and has a great sense of humor. At the park or pool I often get asked, "Is he always this happy?" To which I usually reply, "Oh, he just loves the park/pool!", because that sounds better than "No, he's not." Anyway, my point is that although we do lots of daily hard work together on appropriate behavior, we also have lots of good fun.

*In case you've never seen this, here's an example: I ask Z if he wants to read a book. He says no. I say OK. He has a breakdown and starts screaming 'book! book!' Now if I were not wise to his ways, I might be tempted to give in, pick up the book, and try reading it to him. At which point I'd put 10 bucks on Z saying 'no book!' and double or nothin' he throws it across the room. So instead I explain 'Mommy listens when you say no, and you said no, so that means no book'. And he cries like I shot Ol' Yeller.

Socialization
We still don't leave Z with babysitters or other adults very often - not nearly as much as we did with N & D. However for our own mental and marital health, we need to get out once in awhile! My parents have watched the kids on occasion and J's parents watched them a bit while we were visiting them in June. We also slowly introduced Z to a couple of our favorite babysitters and have recently begun leaving him with them for an hour or two at a time. We left him with a (non-grandparent) babysitter at bedtime for the first time this week and it went well. We talked about it with him several times throughout that day so that he knew it was coming, plus he had skipped his nap so he was exhausted and very ready for bed regardless of who was putting him down. Z continues to do well in all different kinds of social settings - church nursery, playdates, family gatherings, etc. He will attend a two year old preschool class at our church two mornings a week this fall which should be lots of fun for him and a nice regularly scheduled break for me.

Health
We are so thankful that Z has been a healthy little guy all summer! He got his cast off in June and he hit the ground running, if you'll excuse the pun. :) He had a follow up appointment last month and the doctor was very happy with his progress, saying that when he grows out of his orthotic he will not need a new one, though he'll continue to wear his brace at night for another year or so. (Which reminds me, I need to call the doctor... Z got mad yesterday, grabbed what was handy, and chucked it across the room. And what was handy? You guessed it, his brace. And it broke. Sigh.)

Communication
Like his mom, dad, and brothers, Z is a talker. He can string together 5 and 6 word sentences now, and his pronunciation is improving quite a bit as well. I studied linguistics in college and Z's language development has been absolutely fascinating to me. The most amazing thing has been how quickly he learns to both say and understand new words. When I am trying to learn a word in Amharic, I need the speaker to repeat it for me several times and I usually have to come up with some little trick for remembering it, or I have to use it in context immediately and with some frequency - otherwise it is gone within minutes of hearing it. By contrast, Z can learn a new word the first time he hears it, understanding its meaning and then using it again correctly days later. Toddler brains are incredibly wired for language learning and it has been so fun to have a front row seat for this process! I am also fascinated by which words from Ethiopia Z has kept in his vocabulary. I intentionally say "words from Ethiopia" because the words which have persisted are not Amharic or Oromifa words, but rather baby-talk approximations which I am guessing were the first words he ever said. It stands to reason that the words he has been saying longest (and therefore spoke the earliest) are the ones which would take the longest to be replaced by English words. If that conjecture is true, then Z's first words were Oromifa baby-talk for "no" and "sit", and "give me". Sounds about right to me!

Brothers
N (age 6) and Z continue to get along swimmingly. N loves to help Z, play with Z, teach Z new things, etc. I would say that of all the members of the family, Z's adoption probably had the least impact on N. His place in the family did not change - he is still the big brother and he has enjoyed having another younger sibling to play with, teach, and help. D (almost 4) however, has had to make a significant adjustment: less attention from me, more sharing, more compromising his preferences, and a small person taking his toys, monopolizing his mom, and generally just getting up in his mix. At first he seemed rather indifferent about the change, as though he was just trying to ride it out until things went back to how they were before. But when Z had been home about 4 months something clicked. I think D realized that this was, in fact, the new normal... and he was not a fan. We have spent the summer working through these issues together: talking, praying, processing feelings, giving focused attention, and doing lots of hands-on coaching to help all our kids treat each other with kindness and respect. Though it hasn't been easy, this has been good, necessary, and inevitable work for our family.

Bonding & Connecting
In the 'sleep' section I mentioned Z's recent bout of separation anxiety: I consider this to be a major bonding milestone! It made for a tough few weeks, and I am thankful to be through it -- not only because we are all sleeping better, but more importantly because it was a priceless opportunity to build trust. We were able to teach Z that even when he can't see us, we are here. There are very few things I want to plant deep into his heart more than that.

We continue to engage in activities that intentionally foster connection between us and Z - tickling, wrestling, cuddling, etc. One of the bonding activities that has borne the most fruit for us has been bottle-feeding* Z before nap-time and bedtime every day. No matter what kind of day we are having or how we may be feeling about each other leading up to that point, our bottle time is almost a guaranteed blessing. Z will cuddle on my lap (or J's - we take turns), look into my eyes, give me kisses, and fully relax into my arms. It did take work to get to this point, but it was well worth it as we now have two sweet bonding times built into our daily routine.

*For those who want specific details, we started out bottle feeding with 6-8 oz of milk, then switched to water after a few months, then reduced the volume to about 4-5 oz.

Cultural Connections
We haven't been able to spend as much time with our Ethiopian friends this summer, but we have started eating a lot more Ethiopian food at home since finding a great little store that sells injera, spices, and other Ethiopian items. I'm going to devote a whole post to this soon, so check back later to read more.

The Crazy Easy Stuff
And the winner for most surprisingly easy part of the last six months is (drum roll please)... potty training! I wasn't even thinking about potty training Z, but apparently he was way ahead of me. He would often ask to sit on the potty when he saw his brothers going, so I had gotten into the habit of sitting him there a few times throughout the day. I didn't give it much thought until one day I realized he was actually doing most of his business in the potty! Well, how 'bout that. He is not super reliable about telling us when he has to go (though he will do it on occasion), so I can't officially stamp him as 'potty trained', but considering how little effort I've put in, I am happily surprised by how well he is doing.

The Good Hard Stuff
So, to summarize, life is good. I cannot say that life is easy, or organized, or quiet, or predictable, or even really manageable on some days... but I can say that life is very good. After 6 months together, our love for each other has grown and woven itself through the fabric of our daily lives. We are experiencing God's grace and watching him work in us in ways that are sometimes painful but always glorious. We are learning to be a family together and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

And now, your reward for scrolling down past reading this novel: a few pictures from our recent photo shoot with my amazing photographer friend, Liz Quitiquit.

epic post-placement post: 3 months

This is a follow-up to a post I wrote a couple of months ago, when Z had been home just 2 weeks. Last Saturday marked three months since we stepped off the plane and became a family of 5, so I thought it would be a good time to look back and see how things have changed since then.

As I said in my original post, beyond just recording these things for posterity, my motivation for doing this is mainly to provide a window into our experiences for the sake of those who are waiting to bring their children home and wondering what it might be like when they finally do. Of course our experience just represents one dot on a huge spectrum, so if you are a waiting parent your experiences may (and most likely will) be completely different from ours. Still, I think it can be helpful to know what life is like for those a few steps ahead of us down the road.

I'll try to cover many of the same categories as in my first post, with a few changes and additions. Grab a cup of coffee and get comfortable -- it's not called 'epic' for nothing!

Eating
For the most part we have stuck to the original boundaries we set and this has served us well. We hit a rough patch when Z figured out how emotionally invested I was in his eating habits. He is a smart little cookie and he realized that it really upset me when he didn't eat very much, so he decided to use this to his advantage. He started exhibiting lots of controlling behavior at mealtimes, and I would often acquiesce in the name of getting him to eat more. It took me awhile to realize this was happening, and to figure out why. I had this idea in my head that, since he was adopted from Ethiopia he must have a lot of catching up to do in terms of growth and therefore I should do whatever necessary to shovel heaps of food into him 3-5 times a day. Not so. He has not suffered malnutrition, he is not underweight, and he does not have catching up to do in this arena. On the contrary, he is so sure of his next meal that he is willing to totally refuse food in order to be in control and get an emotional reaction from mom. Yikes! When I realized this, I implemented a bit of 'mealtime boot camp' which basically meant FIRMLY holding to the established boundaries even if it meant he didn't eat a single bite. It also meant keeping my cool and remembering that missing one meal was a small price to pay in order to lovingly teach Z how to eat meals in our family. It is so important to me to be able to sit down to a pleasant meal together as a family, and it has been well worth it to take the time to teach Z how to be part of that with us. Now that we have worked through a lot of the control issues at mealtime, I have learned that Z loves to eat, is not picky at all, and is perfectly capable of eating a nice meal with his family at the table. He still has days where he puts up a fight, but it is much easier to handle now. Side note: watching Z eat Ethiopian food is one of my favorite things in the world! He has the technique down perfectly - he grabs a piece of injera and digs right in with a characteristically Ethiopian flick of the wrist. I love it!

Sleeping
We have made huge strides together in this area. For the first several weeks, either J or I stayed in the room with Z until he was fully asleep. Eventually we realized that although he definitely wanted us in the room, he was keeping himself awake longer to make sure we hadn't left, so our presence was actually depriving him of rest. I was torn because I knew he would cry if we left the room and I didn't feel ready for that. Thank goodness for J -- I was out for the evening with friends so he took the opportunity to try leaving the room before Z was asleep... and he only cried for 3 minutes! From that point on we were able to do our pre-bed routine (bottle, prayers, songs, & cuddles) and then leave, and Z falls asleep on his own. He still cries sometimes, or hollers for us, or talks and sings to himself, or takes of his socks and plays with them, but we don't go back in the room and eventually he falls asleep. Once he is asleep he usually sleeps well for 11-12 hours and takes a 2 hour nap. He wakes up and wants to be comforted in the middle of the night on occasion, but is easily calmed down and falls back asleep quickly.

Behavior
Z is two. Oh boy, is he ever TWO! And by that I mean that he is fun and energetic and curious, and yes, challenging. He has turned out to have a very sweet disposition and is generally happy and quick to laugh. He is also convinced that he knows best, that he should be in charge, and that his will trumps all others. And of course, because I love him, I can't let him grow up thinking those things are true! So every day we work together to learn how to obey, how to listen, how to be flexible, how to wait, and how to be respectful of others. These are big lessons for any two-year-old, but especially a little one who has not been taught these things from the beginning. We have started using time-outs in certain circumstances, depending on what we think is motivating his behavior at the time. We also use lots of 'do-overs' (i.e. "We don't scream to get Mommy's attention. Please try that again in a nice voice."). One thing that has worked really well is to use our older boys as models of appropriate behavior. If we are working on a particular behavior, like gentle touching, it helps to have N & D model the behavior, then he will copy it and get lots of praise and reinforcement. As compared to when I wrote my previous post, we are seeing way less biting, scratching, spitting, and tantrumming. Hitting and screaming are the main things we are dealing with, but even those have decreased quite a bit. Z still throws a little fit when he doesn't get his way, but it does not escalate into a full-blown tantrum anymore. In my opinion, his behavior is now within the normal range for a two-year-old, which is all we can really ask for!

Socialization
In the first few weeks home, Z didn't leave the house much as we let him adjust to us and to the new environment. After about a month, we began taking him on short outings - the grocery store, the park, part of a church service, etc. He did so well with these outings that we were able to gradually resume most of our normal activities by about 6-8 weeks home. We have a pretty low-key lifestyle to begin with - just your basic take the kids to school, run an errand, pick up the kids from school, have a friend over, make dinner, eat dinner, go to bed type of daily life. Z took this all in stride and only rarely seemed to get over-stimulated or stressed. One example was during Holy Week, when we had him out past bedtime for church services and family events three nights in a row. He hit the wall during Easter Sunday services and needed a very quiet day or two to get back in the swing of things. But you know what? So did the whole family. :) As long as we are home for naps and bedtime every day, Z seems happy to be out and about a lot of the time. We recently went to a fellowship night for Ethiopian adoptive families -- over 50 adults and children running loose in a children's museum... and Z did great! He didn't seem overwhelmed and frequently checked in with mom and dad as he played. I honestly thought we would have to cut back on our activities a lot more than we have, but Z has surprised me and adjusted quickly and happily.

We chose not to leave Z with any other adults for the first two months that he was home. At the 2 month point we started leaving him for short periods in the church nursery, which has gone great. There are only a couple of kids with him, one of whom is his cousin, and he seems to understand that we are close by. We left him with my parents for the first time about 2 weeks ago and again, he did great. This past weekend we went out for the evening and my parents had our kids at their house, which was another big step. Though he went to sleep pretty easily for them, I wasn't quite ready to leave him overnight yet - we carried all the sleeping boys to the car and tucked them in at home - but it is nice to know that he is so comfortable with them now.

Health
Besides the one big health scare and hospitalization (read more here, here, and here), Z has been quite healthy. The giardia and scalp fungus are long-gone and he even avoided the flu bug the rest of us suffered a few weeks ago. We have been going to the orthopedic doctors at Childrens Hospital every week for the past 8 weeks for treatment of his club foot. The treatment procedure is called serial casting, which involves Z getting a new cast put on his foot every week to slowly stretch the tendons and adjust the orientation of the foot. His last cast comes off tomorrow - hooray! After that he'll wear orthotics during the day and a brace at night. Z's blood work showed that he was slightly anemic so he has been on iron drops, along with his daily multivitamin. Beyond that we have not had any health issues - he is healthy, growing, and thriving!

Communication
Adopting a toddler is so fun because they are at the perfect age to learn language. Z has been learning new words every day! Though we still use a few Amharic words, Z is picking up English quickly and now says far more words in English than in Amharic. I do think he remembers a lot of it though -- when we are around Amharic speakers he is still able to understand them. He regularly puts two and three words together, such as "Up Mommy please" or "Wow Daddy car". Tonight I even overheard him tell J, "All done brushing teeth". He still uses a few signs, but he knows so many words now that he doesn't need them much.

Brothers
Z continues to adore his brothers, and the feeling is mutual. Z and N have always been sweet together, but lately D has been showing more interest and willingness to play with Z as well. He is doing a better job of coming down to Z's level and joining him in play, or inviting him to activities that he knows Z enjoys. There are still frequent property disputes and turf battles, but overall the boys get along well and have fun together. I think having the two older boys made Z's transition quite a bit easier on both him and us. Rather than having to depend solely on me and J for all interactions, he has 2 other little people to watch and imitate, 2 other people who give him love and attention, 2 other people to play with and learn from. Watching them all give each other hugs and kisses before bed makes my heart swell with joy and gratitude!

Bonding & Connecting
Naturally in Z's first months home we have been doing lots of things to intentionally foster our bond and connection with him. We try to spend time each day doing activities like peek-a-boo, tickling, wrestling, and anything else that makes us both smile and puts us face-to-face with each other. We also spend time holding, cuddling, and rocking Z, particularly before and after naps and bedtime. We look through his life-story book together and talk about all the important people in his life before he was home with us. But the one thing that has proven most valuable in the bonding process has simply been time. Time together, both in the sense of number of weeks that he has been home, and also in the sense of committing to spend lots of quality time together every day.

I shared before my struggles with feeling a positive emotional connection to Z at first. I wanted to be overwhelmed with warm-fuzzy feelings of love for him from the get-go, and I felt guilty and sad that this didn't happen. BUT... it just took time. And now? I am wild and crazy in love with my sweet boy! As we both got used to each other and adjusted to our 'new normal', the feelings I had been waiting for slowly crept in and took root until one day I realized that my love for Z had grown from action into emotion and moved from my head into my heart. The feelings of frustration and anger still resurface sometimes, mostly in moments when I feel rejected by Z in some way, but they are few and far between these days. It helps that Z is pretty head-over-heels for his mama now too - he absolutely showers me in hugs and kisses every day and says "I love you" all the time. The other day he was singing a little made-up song with the words, "I love Mommy, I love Mommy!" It doesn't get much sweeter than that folks.

Cultural Connections
We are committed to maintaining a connection to Ethiopian culture within our family however we can. Through the preschool our kids attend we have become friends with a few Ethiopian families and enjoy getting together with them regularly. This week I took D and Z to my friend's house for a coffee ceremony and brunch. Going to her home feels like being back in Ethiopia in some ways - the smell of roasting coffee and inscense, traditional music playing in the background, women chattering back and forth in Amharic while I soak it all in and try not to be awkward or spill wat on my shirt (failure on both parts, but still fun). We have a favorite Ethiopian restaurant that we take the kids to, and of course we get together with other Ethiopian adoptive families as often as we can. I am glad that Z will have the opportunity to interact with other Ethiopian adults and children, both adopted and non. We can teach him to be a lot of things, but we can't teach him how to be Ethiopian because we're not. The best we can do is help him to make connections with others who share his heritage and can help to fill in that gap for him.

Random Other Stuff
So, this is rather embarrassing, but up until about a month ago I was under the assumption that because Z was a boy I didn't have to pay any attention to his hair. I didn't even know that you are not supposed to use shampoo on African hair more than once a week, if that. My poor child's hair and scalp were so dry that I actually thought his fungus had come back... nope, just a case of ignorance on the part of his mama! Once I realized this, I got to work trying to figure out what worked for his hair. Coconut oil has been great, and upon first usage immediately cleared up his dry scalp. I've tried a few different conditioners, lotions, and leave-in products but haven't settled on a definite favorite. There are many different types of Ethiopian hair, and Z's is on the coarse side. I don't think he is going to have soft curls like some of his little buddies, no matter what product I try. For now we are just going to keep his hair pretty short and keep learning how to manage it.

And now, your reward for slogging through this long post: pictures!

N had a pirate-themed birthday party and all three boys loved it!

Family outing to Red Robin

Curious TWO-year-old!

At the Ethiopian adoptive families fellowship night

Reading Z's life-story book

This is what happens when we don't make it home in time for naps.

Born in the same town, now live less than 2 miles apart.

Riding bikes at Papa's house.

epic (read: boring) post-placement post

In the months before we brought Zeke home I spent hours and hours imagining what it would be like when he was finally here. It was so hard to picture, because I knew there was such a wide range of possibilities and a large number of factors that could determine what life would be like after he came home. Well, here we are two weeks later and I can say that it has somehow been exactly what I expected, not at all what I expected, harder than what I expected, and easier than I expected all at once.

For the sake of any readers out there who are waiting to bring children home and wondering what it will be like, I want to give you a window into what these first days and weeks have held for us. Of course this just represents one dot on a big spectrum, and your experience may (and most likely will) end up being completely different than ours. But I think I would have liked reading the specific and detailed experiences of families who went before us, so maybe a few of you out there would too.

To the rest of you, feel free to skip what will probably be a long and boring post and just enjoy these cute photos:













I'll break this down into categories for easier browsing:

The Plane Ride
So much better than it could have been, thanks to Benadryl and prayer! The Benadryl helped Z sleep off-and-on for nearly 13 hours of the 16 hour flight, and I'm convinced that the prayers of many at home helped us get a seat in between us for free (we hadn't purchased a ticket for him). If you do try Benadryl, be sure to test it on your kid while you're still in-country -- some kids react by getting hyper or acting intoxicated rather than sleepy. Nothing like a drunk baby on a long flight, am I right? ;) Also, bring a medicine cup or spoon with teaspoons listed -- we forgot one and had to use one we got in Ethiopia which only had mLs so we had to guess how much to give. Oops. Having the Ergo carrier was a lifesaver during boarding, deplaning, and waiting in the Immigration line -- I have tried a few different baby carriers and this one is definitely the best, especially if your child is closer to toddler than infant. Plus it is manly enough for Dad to wear!

Eating
This was really hard when we were in-country because we had so little control over what, where, and when we all ate. It got a lot easier when we got home and could establish consistent routines and expectations. We set a few firm boundaries and we've stuck to them:

1. We only eat at the table.
2. Some foods will be fed to you by Mommy & Daddy, other foods you can eat independently.
3. No throwing food.
4. If you spit it out, it won't be offered again.
5. No crying or screaming at the table.

When #3 or #5 are broken, we take Z away from the table for a few minutes, calmly explain why, and then he uses signs or words to ask to go back to the table and we try again. Some meals we need to do this several times, other meals we have no problems. For the first few days Z would refuse all but a few foods: yogurt, Cheerios, oatmeal (sometimes), and banana. He continues to turn down much of what we offer him, but he has branched out and will eat other foods including spaghetti, bread, noodles, enchilada, as well as shiro wat & injera.

Sleeping
In Ethiopia Z went to bed without too much of a fight and usually slept 12 hours straight at night without waking. At home? Not so much. The first week he was waking a few times a night for various reasons -- he was teething, he was in a strange place, he was jet-lagged and off-schedule. He has slept through the night a few times, but it is still not the norm yet. When he wakes at night we go into his room and comfort him, hold him, sing to him, change his diaper if needed, and stay with him until he goes back to sleep.

The toughest part has been just getting him to fall asleep in the first place, whether for a nap or bedtime. The bright side is that he wants me with him and cries if I try to leave the room, which means he finds my presence comforting (yay!) and has learned that adults respond to crying (another yay!)... However. It takes him anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours to finally fall fully asleep to the point where I can leave the room. When you add in night wakings, there are days when I have spent up to 4 or 5 hours just trying to get him to sleep. Earlier this week I began to think to myself... Hmmm, I may be getting played here. Yes, I want to teach him that I am here for him and will give him comfort when he needs it. But when he asks to be held, then put in his crib, then held 5 minutes later, then put back in his crib, then held again and so on and so on for hours I am pretty sure the message I am sending is not "I will comfort you when you need it", but rather "I am your slave and will do whatever you want at bedtime."

So as of yesterday I am trying a new strategy wherein I hold him as long as he wants, then put him in his crib when he asks for it, but after that I do not pick him up again. I stay close, I sing softly, I speak comforting words, but I do not play the back-and-forth-in-and-out crib game with him. The first 2 bedtimes of this method were brutal and involved many tears from both him and me... but today at naptime? It worked!! He asked to go in his crib, then stood up and asked to be held, and when I gave him a hug but didn't lift him out instead of screaming he just plopped onto his pillow and fell asleep! Thank you Jesus.

Behavior
Z will be two next month and it breaks my heart to say that we are his 6th set of caregivers. As has happened too many times before in his short life, he has been uprooted and taken away from everything familiar and normal. New sights, smells, tastes, sounds, routines, faces, and places have once again assaulted his senses. I am pretty sure that if this happened to me multiple times, I would probably also hit, scream, bite, scratch, scream, spit, throw, kick, arch, scream, bang my head, and scream. Did I mention scream?

Yes, he has done all of the above. But it is nothing we weren't prepared for and it is nothing I can really blame him for. On top of all that he has been through, the kid is almost two years old and a lot of the above behaviors are just par for the course, whether you're recently adopted or not. Our responses to these behaviors are mostly based on what we think triggered them and what's going on at the time. I must admit that they are also sometimes based on how tired and cranky we are. Hey, we're human. We have been doing lots of holding, singing, "time ins", distracting with toys, etc. and have seen marked improvement in the time it takes for him to recover from a tantrum and calm down. He used to have to cry himself completely out to the point of exhaustion, but now he can often recover after just a few minutes (depending on what the trigger was and how mad he is).

Lifestyle Choices
OK weird category title, but I couldn't figure out what else to call it. We didn't leave the house with Zeke at all for the first several days. On about day 5 we ventured out for a short walk in our neighborhood. On Day 7 he took his first ride in the car since coming home. Thankfully he enjoys the Ergo, the stroller, and the car seat and so far does not put up a fight with any of those things. We took him to the doctor on Day 12, so that was basically our first major outing and he did amazingly well (see "health" section for the details of that visit). A few days ago I took him to my parents house for a short visit. Other than those things, as well as regular walks in the stroller and dropping the big boys at school (but not getting out of the car), he has not really left our house or been out in public.

Although I am happy with the above choices, I do think he will do great when we start taking him more places. He has not exhibited much fear or anxiety about being out of the house with us, and he definitely seems to know that we are his caregivers and doesn't seek any attention or comfort from other adults (or at least he has not done so on the rare occasions when other adults are around him). Still, I'd rather be too conservative than risk putting him in a situation where he feels overwhelmed, confused, or anxious. We have allowed some family members and close friends to drop by for short visits, but they have mostly chatted with us and not interacted with Z. I am not quite sure how exactly we will expand his exposure to new places and people, but I do know that we will do it as slowly and intentionally as possible.

Health
We are lucky enough to live in a city with not one but several physicians who specialize in internationally adopted children. We had a great experience with Z's new doctor, whose entire practice is comprised of IA children from all over the Pacific Northwest. After our hour-long consultation with her, I feel very confident that any and all of Z's health issues will be uncovered and dealt with successfully. The doctor talked with us about everything from nutrition to attachment to vaccines, and helped us understand what to expect with Z's health in the future. Along with all the usual well-child check-up stuff, she also scraped his scalp to test for fungus, ordered heaps of lab tests, gave us a prescription for Giardia meds (we had already gotten a positive test result for that), referred us to 3 other doctors (pediatric opthamologist, audiologist, and orthopedist), and checked out his club foot (it is functioning great but we'll see what the ortho doc says). He also got 3 shots and a TB skin test. We were absolutely amazed by what a champ Z was through all of this! Since taking the one-dose anti-parasitic drug a few days ago his tummy is definitely on the mend, and otherwise he seems to be in good health. He was in the 35th percentile for weight on the American Multicultural Growth Chart, 15th for height, and 85th for head circumference. We are happy to have such a big strong boy!

I guess I should also note that Z had a nasty cold when we arrived in Ethiopia, which turned into a terrible cough, which kept us up one night before we got some meds at a local pharmacy. Thankfully he was mostly recovered by the time we flew home.

Communication
This is one area that has proved to be much easier than I thought it would be. Given the fact that Z heard one language (Oromifa) for the first 12 months of life, then another language (Amharic) for the next 11 months, and now a 3rd language (English) in our home, I was expecting him to have a bit of a language delay. But far from being delayed, he is talking up a storm! At the guest house in Ethiopia we got lots of help from the staff figuring out the most common words he was saying in Amharic and we've continued to use a lot of those words, along with the English equivalents. He is picking up new English words every day, including Mommy, Daddy, his brother's names, and words for many common objects & activities in our home and things we can see out the window: eat, choo-choo, beep-beep, light, bubble, dog, tree, just to name a few.

We have also been doing a lot of sign language with him and he is picking that up at lightning speed. Many times he will do the sign, say the Amharic word, and say the English word for what he wants or sees [i.e. putting his hand to his mouth, saying "bilah," and then saying "eat" when he is hungry]. We are so glad to see that this area of his development is right on track.

Brothers
The transition for our other two boys (ages 5 & 3) has gone fairly well -- tough at times, but overall better than we expected. N is a natural helper and teacher, so he loves interacting with Z, leading him around the house, helping him do things, showing him how stuff works. He has even taken a turn feeding Z at mealtimes. It is beautiful to see N growing in his big brother role and using the gifts God gave him to bless his new brother. D... well, he has always marched to his own little tune so half the time it seems like he barely notices that anything is different (except when Z is breaking his train track or getting to eat yogurt at every meal... so not fair!). Other times he seems miffed that he is no longer the baby of the family and acts out for attention. And still other times he embraces his new role as big brother with sweet and genuine affection and attentiveness toward Z. For his part, Z seems thoroughly pleased to have 2 big brothers to follow around. One of the cutest things we've seen him do is grab the washcloth in the bath and give his brothers a little scrub. Adorable.

The Good Stuff
We have known since getting our referral that Z is controlling spirited and demanding strong-willed, but it wasn't until we brought him home that we got to see how FUN he is! He is so silly and animated and it has been an absolute blast to see this part of his personality come out. It fits in so well with our family dynamic. Some of the sweetest moments we've had as a family have been tickling, wrestling, hug-tackling, and having silly face contests with our three goofy boys. It has also been great to see his playfulness come out in pretend games -- he especially loves to play with the toy food and utensils and walks around the room giving everyone a bite.

In addition to being playful, we are surprised at how affectionate our little guy is. Of course we give him tons of affection throughout the day, but on top of that he actually initiates hugs and kisses with us on a regular basis! I thought it would be months, or at least weeks, before I got an unsolicited hug or kiss from this tough little cookie but it turns out he is a softy underneath it all.

In the last few days Z has been learning to join us in looking at picture books, which is great since at first he seemed to want nothing to do with them. His favorite book to look at is the photo book that our agency gave us with pictures of him in the Widow & Orphan home and with the nannies and some of his little buddies. He holds it up to his face and kisses their pictures so lovingly... We thank God every day for the wonderful care he received before he came to us.

The Interesting Stuff
One of the most fascinating things about these first weeks has been uncovering all the skills, talents, and interests of this child who is at the same time our son and yet also our newly-made acquaintance. He knows how to dribble a basketball. He knows what to do with a jump rope. He loves using hand sanitizer. He doesn't grimace one bit when we dump a bucket of water over his head in the bath. He knows that Q-tips are for cleaning ears. He grabs anything that looks like it could be a phone, holds it up to his ear and says "Hello? Ciao!" He loves dogs from afar but is terrified of them up close (no surprise there considering what dogs are like in Ethiopia). He's great at kicking and throwing a ball. He knows exactly how to use chap-stick. We did not teach him any of this... I wonder what else we have yet to find out about this amazing little boy.

The Hard Stuff
Overall I feel like we were very well-prepared for the things we have faced in these first weeks post-placement. The one area where I have felt completely blindsided has been my own emotional state. I am positive that our training talked about this, as well as books I've read about adoptive parenting, but I guess it didn't really sink in for me until I was living it. Just about everything in our process took longer than we thought it would, and after all that waiting and praying and waiting some more, I was sure that feelings of happiness and relief would flood over me when we finally had Zeke home. Sure, we'd be jet-lagged and dealing with tantrums and food fights and night waking... but we'd have our son home!! We'd have the fulfillment of God's promises in our arms, which would mean warm-fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness, right?

It is hard to admit this, but no. Not so much. I know it happens for some moms, and I am glad. But the fact of the matter is, inviting a grieving, traumatized toddler I barely knew into my life 24-7 evoked a whole slew of negative emotions that were not trumped by the happiness of completing the adoption process. And following closely behind these frightening negative emotions were waves of guilt and shame that only brought me further down. Thank God for a few more experienced adoptive moms who were there to give me a listening ear and the assurance that I am not, as I (irrationally) feared, the first person to feel this way. In fact, according to them, these feelings are actually... wait for it... normal. Oh thank God. And, apparently, it gets better with time! Praise the Lord.

And guess what? It already has. As this adorable but turbulent newcomer in our home becomes less of a stranger and more like just another Ballast boy I notice the negative feelings ebbing and fading. In their place something is growing, slowly and steadily. It's a little early to call, but I think it just might be head-over-heels, wild-and-crazy, go-to-the-ends-of-the-earth-for-you... LOVE.